How do I make peace with the fact I’m going to devastate my Mom?

[Iwashereonce]

She's good to me idk how to cope I think that's why I keep delaying it

 

[GoSan1]

I told my mother about my thoughts, it destroyed her, but it was my way of selfishly giving her another chance.

So to answer your question, there isn't a way to cope, it is the price one pays for it.

 

[Iwashereonce]

I told my mother about my thoughts, it destroyed her, but it was my way of selfishly giving her another chance.

So to answer your question, there isn't a way to cope, it is the price one pays for it.

Sometimes I wish I had horrible parents

 

[GoSan1]

Sometimes I wish I had horrible parents

You shouldn't, rather be thankful. Having a good parent is good, some would wish for that. Rather wish for all of this pain to end and to be able to meet your mother in a better existence. I know how you feel, its all the fault of this life, not of them. And do imagine that another year will soon arrive, with no changes... It pisses me off.

 

[Romanticize]

its the only thing that keeps me there, despite enormous suffering

I know only one - if she passes, i am passing the same god damn day.

 

[peacefulafterlife]

in my eyes, death can come at sudden and unexpected times. we all think ourselves as practically immortal in our day-to-day lives but maybe tomorrow you'll get hit by a car or an elevator cable snaps or your heart suddenly fails. in those cases too your parents would have to learn to live with it. there's no way to avoid death forever, anyone you love you will either see die or they will see you die.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry, I don't believe you can.

 

[death_bed221]

She's good to me idk how to cope I think that's why I keep delaying it

I am in a same place. She doesn't deserve this pain. She was always good to me no matter how much of a failure I am. She accepts me for who I am. I just cant handle this world anymore. I don't want to live as a failure even tho I am accepted as one

 

[Nadir]

You can't but they rolled the dice when they brought you into this world, it's possible that a lot of the problems in your life are generational trauma and so accredited to people who "did the best they could with what they had" and yet couldn't do enough, and so that burden fell onto you. What can I say? This life is awful for many people.

 

[LapseInTime]

I'm sorry, I don't believe you can.

This. I think it's beyond what you can control. Besides, you seem to have a good relationship with your mother - would it be good if she didn't care or if she very easily dismissed it or pretended to accept it? Everybody is entitled to feeling loss, the thought that you can prevent it -whether or not you actually can- is natural. I've really felt it.

Accepting it must be hard, even for you. I really don't know how you should proceed, I am foreign to having a good relationship with my parents. I do feel sorry because I don't think it is possible -much less easy- to find somebody who could help you express your feelings and talk about your decision.

 

[Defenestration]

Elle est bonne avec moi, je ne sais pas comment y faire face, je pense que c'est pourquoi je continue à le retarder.

Same

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, I've made peace with this by acknowledging that the grief she'd be experiencing from my death is going to happen regardless of whether I ctb or not. I know that I'm not going to outlive my parents since I've reached the point in life where I can no longer conform to society's demands yet I'm unfortunately being expected to conform to society's demands. By killing myself, all I'm doing is making the inevitable happen earlier.

This is only my thoughts though and I know that it wouldn't work for everybody

 

[nomoredolor]

She's good to me idk how to cope I think that's why I keep delaying it

I also struggle deeply with the weight of guilt of what I'm doing to my loved ones. I used to try to stay alive until one or both of my parents had passed to mitigate their pain but I am unable to do so. Now I frame it as every additional day I am able to stay is a gift from me to them. And I'll do my best to make the after death duties less overwhelming by planning my own celebration of life and giving away my stuff / packing up my house.

I honestly don't have any good advice for you because the guilt is crushing me. But I see you and I see your pain and wanting to end your suffering but not wanting to hurt your momma.

Hugs
Anna

 

[everyday struggle]

This is what's keeping me from suicide too I don't want my family to suffer. I don't want them to receive a knock on the door from a cop, telling them I'm dead. I think about how they would react, how devastated and shocked they would be. But at the same time, I feel like I can't keep living like this. It feels like I have no choice in the matter; I feel like I have to leave this world before everything gets worse. Also, I have no desire to stay.

 

[DrinkingInHell]

its the only thing that keeps me there, despite enormous suffering

I know only one - if she passes, i am passing the same god damn day.

Exact same way I feel

 

[LukaParrot]

That's the only thing keeping me thinking if I should stay a little more.

If you have great parents, a mother's love is unconditional, whatever you do, she will be there to try to support you.

My mother still gonna have my sister if I leave, and from what i know "her", she's going to be really sad, depressed and furious at same time. I cant even disclose my reasons like writing a letter because it may seen like I'm placing the blame in what she's done, mothers also makes mistakes, nobody is perfect.

I dont blame anyone anymore. I was in charge of my life, my decisions, my mistakes, my choices. BUT, dont feel regrets either now, because i did my best, but wasnt enough.

When you get older and see most of your dreams shattered, simple wishes like a partner life, maybe a kid..... been lonely is painful. That's why i sometime encourage young people to persuit their dreams while you still can.

 

[foreverlanguish]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm scared of hurting my family when I die, but I feel like with time, I've kind of just had to accept what will happen. I can't control how they'll react, it's just how it's gonna be sadly.

 

[divinemistress87]

You can't but they rolled the dice when they brought you into this world, it's possible that a lot of the problems in your life are generational trauma and so accredited to people who "did the best they could with what they had" and yet couldn't do enough, and so that burden fell onto you. What can I say? This life is awful for many people.

one reason I never had kids. Generational trauma ends with me

 

[LukaParrot]

one reason I never had kids. Generational trauma ends with me

Sometimes i believe depression is genetical inherance. My mother had depression, my father too, my grandpa... it's like a plague in my family.

 

[Jimmy.]

Glad you've got support.

Such a tough one.

I'm obviously on here for a reason and share your thoughts / dilemma.

I've witnessed the affect of CTB of a child on their mother and it was of course as brutal as you'd expect.

As a parent it would break me, but I would try to understand the pain that led to it. I've experienced much through my children and as much it pains me, I know they've inherited their pains and troubles from me.

 

[nomoredolor]

This is what's keeping me from suicide too I don't want my family to suffer. I don't want them to receive a knock on the door from a cop, telling them I'm dead. I think about how they would react, how devastated and shocked they would be. But at the same time, I feel like I can't keep living like this. It feels like I have no choice in the matter; I feel like I have to leave this world before everything gets worse. Also, I have no desire to stay.

I feel all of this so hard

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I think you end up just having to acknowledge the pain you're going to put your mother through. Ultimately, you're choosing to stay and suffer or leave and have her suffer. The question is rather it could ever get easier for your mother who would be plagued with grief, or could it ever get easier for you who suffers from suicidal ideation. It's really a tough call to even be able to discern those things. It depends a lot on what you're willing to do in the end, but you can't deny how it'll affect others. There's nothing you can do to take that pain away.