Help How do I get rid of my self-preservation instinct?

[sonny]

Sweet team of beings!

I am on the cusp of having what I need to CTB - a gun! I am going to pick up my permit! I don't have a car so I am going to have to walk a few miles to get the permit, but will try to walk to a store to then buy a gun.

Here's my question: How do I drown out my impulsive social awareness, fear and general proclivity to keep myself alive? You know, thinking of my 90 pound mom who is dependent on my care, my sister who will likely have to deal with my body, and all the little things that still move my heart?

How do I shut down the conspiracy whispers that I might feel better someday and get serious about ending it all?

I've attempted before, but I chose weaker methods with chances of rescue, so it didn't require that much bravery. I think subconsciously I was still in the seeking help/hope/recovery zone.

Now, I am sure I want to CTB, been suicidal without reprieve for over a decade, and I have lost the willpower to improve. But, I'm noticing that I tend to back away from the act itself. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of pulling the trigger.

How do I stop choosing life and make the ultimate move?
How do I get brave? How do I stop being committed from life?

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom!

I've thought about doing adderall/alcohol before I shoot, but I'm worried about missing my brain stem.

 

[finallydone]

i think most people here have the same problem, otherwise why would any of them be here
and as you mentioned anti-anxiety meds and alcohol can help but it's still hard to fight millions of years of evolution

 

[rainwillneverstop]

We cannot help or guide you how to end your life, or how to overcome the obstacles leading to it.
Sorry.