Venting How do I get better, does it get better?

[iwishtoturnbacktime]

Tomorrow is my girlfriends wake, I am filled with so much hate towards myself. I know why she took her own life but I feel like I wasn't enough to keep her here. I feel like I failed her and that I'm undeserving of love. Everyone keeps telling me that it's not my fault that I didn't know but I did. I just didn't think she would actually do it. Now I feel like shit and suicidal. I am lost and stuck in a loop of what could I have done or I should have done. I get to see her one last time but she is asleep never to wake up. I can no longer hold her hand or kiss her and I feel so alone. Even though I have a loving family and others who care. It's just not the same without her. I should have gone with her to the afterlife if there is one. I'm losing faith in what I thought gods plans are. Should I buy SN and take it myself. I fear my family's pain so I keep telling myself to stay alive. I really want her here, I should have ask her to fulfill my selfish request to stay with me. I feel the worst and I'm sitting in my car right now looking at her photos crying and screaming. Should I just take off and hope to crazy and die. Why did she leave me why did I let it happen. I just feel undeserving of life and the good things I have. It's not the same without her. I even typed up a last goodbye note. When will it be my turn, when can I be with her again.

 

[Jadeith]

Emotions like that are the main reason i'm still here, against my wishes. Because i can't bring myself to cause such suffering you experience rn to my parents.
And yes, by leaving now, no matter by what method, you WILL cause same feelings to those who hold you dear.
As for asking your gf to stay - when pain and/or self-hatred grows bigger than love to those around us, one might choose to go anyway so even if you had asked, she might still ctb. And it doesn't mean that she didn't love you. It just mean that she hated staying here more.

 

[iwishtoturnbacktime]

Emotions like that are the main reason i'm still here, against my wishes. Because i can't bring myself to cause such suffering you experience rn to my parents.
And yes, by leaving now, no matter by what method, you WILL cause same feelings to those who hold you dear.
As for asking your gf to stay - when pain and/or self-hatred grows bigger than love to those around us, one might choose to go anyway so even if you had asked, she might still ctb. And it doesn't mean that she didn't love you. It just mean that she hated staying here more.

She always told me that too, that she hated living in the body she was stuck in and that even if I saved her should would probably CTB but maybe not but we never knew. I still feel guilt and I can remember her words to me that I was enough, that I was loved but it hurts that she is no longer here to say that. I just wished this world was better so she could have kept on living. I thank you for your words I really do but deep down I still feel the pain and guilt.

 

[Jadeith]

I thank you for your words I really do but deep down I still feel the pain and guilt.

I know you will. And honestly, i never believed that anything i could possibly say would erase those feelings. Might make them a little bit easier to bear but unfortunately no words from a stranger can take them away completely.

 

[HelloDarkness25]

Please please please seek grief counseling first, as soon as you can. You don't need to deal with pain and guilt on your own, there are trained professionals whose job is to help you to get through this. Do not buy SN and do not make any rash decisions. Scream, cry as much as you need to. Ask your family to find a grief counselor for you ASAP. I'm sorry about your girlfriend, you are obviously in a lot of pain right now, but I would caution you against doing anything impulsive. If anything, you might not be able to plan and execute everything, and your situation will only get worse. I believe it's one's right to die on their own terms, but please consider grief counseling first. So sorry for your loss.