sweetbraid
Member
- Apr 15, 2018
- 58
my boyfriend betrayed me. he was deceiving me about important stuff for 3 months. i had no idea. he only told me because i found stuff in his trash when i was taking it out 8 days ago. i have severe trust issues and trauma. i cant trust people easily and the very few people in my life right now who i do trust, i trust them because its been many years of relationship with them and theyve consistently built my trust and never deceived me or treated me poorly. i have spent the last year learning to trust my boyfriend and just when i got to a point where i was starting to actually trust him, he fucked me over. i thought i could trust him.
in addition, i grew up being told repeatedly by everyone around me that i am a waste of space, unloveable, and should be dead. the first time my dad tried to kill me i was less than a year old. the first time he r*ped me i was 2 or 3. my father's abuse continued until my parents separated at age 12. my mother consistently reminded me that if anyone ever tried to be my friend, that i shouldnt trust them and they are just out to hurt me, and surveilled me to such an extent that i was not allowed to have friends who i didnt see outside of school lunch or whose parents she didnt already know. my entire life, ive been taught that my life is worthless and that nobody is worth trusting.
i feel like one of my lungs has been ripped out and im trying to breathe with only one. it feels like he took a piece of my heart and crumbled it into a fine powder while it still was beating inside of my chest. this pain is unbearable. i dont know what to do. i made the mistake of telling my boyfriend this morning that im going to kill myself and thankfully he didnt call an ambulance or anything but he did get very angry and sad and started crying and begged me not to and continued to beg me not to until he left for work (we dont actually live together all the time right now, i stay at his apartment for half the week and we just got approved for an apartment which - if i live that long - we'll be moving into in january). i want to build a life with him, a beautiful beautiful loving life. how can i do that now? how do i feel this pain and not succumb to it? what do i do?
in addition, i grew up being told repeatedly by everyone around me that i am a waste of space, unloveable, and should be dead. the first time my dad tried to kill me i was less than a year old. the first time he r*ped me i was 2 or 3. my father's abuse continued until my parents separated at age 12. my mother consistently reminded me that if anyone ever tried to be my friend, that i shouldnt trust them and they are just out to hurt me, and surveilled me to such an extent that i was not allowed to have friends who i didnt see outside of school lunch or whose parents she didnt already know. my entire life, ive been taught that my life is worthless and that nobody is worth trusting.
i feel like one of my lungs has been ripped out and im trying to breathe with only one. it feels like he took a piece of my heart and crumbled it into a fine powder while it still was beating inside of my chest. this pain is unbearable. i dont know what to do. i made the mistake of telling my boyfriend this morning that im going to kill myself and thankfully he didnt call an ambulance or anything but he did get very angry and sad and started crying and begged me not to and continued to beg me not to until he left for work (we dont actually live together all the time right now, i stay at his apartment for half the week and we just got approved for an apartment which - if i live that long - we'll be moving into in january). i want to build a life with him, a beautiful beautiful loving life. how can i do that now? how do i feel this pain and not succumb to it? what do i do?
