belly.up4good
Member
- Dec 10, 2024
- 44
why does he look at porn why why why we're not together but idc im still in love with him we atill kiss and why do you look at porn you have condoms sitting around waiting to be used on someone else people flirt with you and i wonder if you do the same why did you do this to me and why do i do this to myself youre not supposed to kiss me its not fair you get to see me im not a negative im not a bummer im not a coward im not scared you make me not wanna be honest about my feelings how could you ever say that to me i cant even say my mind without you getting offended. still wondering why i havent cbt i wish i did before we ever broke up so i didnt have to live knowing you changed and did this to me. my brain wont shut up about it and its an obvious thing if like my depression and it sucks and i wish i could stop thinking about all the bad things hes doing but !! its cuz we didnt resolve it. its cuz i need to talk to him about it and have some clarity. and what good would it bring me. it wouldnt make us get back together, it wouldnt make him stop looking at porn, it wouldnt stop those condoms sitting there, it wouldnt stop making me wonder if he took the ones we never used, it wouldnt stop the embarrassment that he knows who i truly am, or that he would actually say that to me even though he tried to ctb and is depressed himself. i feel so bad for being jealous im insanely jealous of all those people he interacts with and i feel like he treats people differently rhan me and it reminds me of another friendship i had all over again and that one was really toxic because he was so awful to me and im seeing resemblences in my obsession in my jealousy and in his treatment and my love and im..going crazyyy!! i wish i could tell him all thats bothering me i wish i wish i wish but i fear he would leave me or not trust me bc i told him i was going to ctb but hey it doesnt matter right if i ctb i just ensure nothing good ever comes out of it and he will know only after i ctb.
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