TW: NSFW, incest, molestation
My molestation by my father wasn't the stereotypical rape/molestation that most people envisions.
There was no screaming. No terror. I was not afraid and he was not violent or aggressive with me. He did not hurt me.
And tbh. I kind of instigated it. I was young and had just started asking about sex and I was extremely curious. My dad at the time was high on drugs. So I saw an opportunity to satiate my curiosity. And well. Things happened.
But it wasn't the nightmare most people see in their minds. He was gentle, guided me through most of it. It was the only time I felt connected to him as his son. And never again afterwards.
It has left me feeling confused and frustrated. Because I wanted that connection again and tried to make it happen when I was in my teens, but it never did.
It has left me feeling frustrated. Disgusting. Unfulfilled. Lonely. There is still very much a part of me that wants to have sex with my father. And that leads me to a lot of negative emotions. Not because of the actual experience. But because I now have this emptiness inside me that can't be filled. And the shame of wanting it filled in a way that is gross.
I've tried recreating it by hooking up with older men and roleplaying. But it's just not the same. While this experience was not negative. It has left me with sexual dysfunction. Because I don't get aroused by anything else. Like it's pretty difficult for me to get turned on by normal, regular gay sex. But once it's a "dad" and "son'. It's like my brain lights up like Paris during Christmas.
It makes me feel gross. And ashamed. Embarrassed. Sometimes I get nauseous. Not thinking about the incident, but how it's left me.
I feel like I can't talk about it because it wasn't scary. It wasn't violent. Honestly. It was fun. And it felt good. And I know I'm not supposed to feel or think that way about it.
And for clarification. The way my experience happened is not me condoning rape/molestation. At all. Ever. No child should ever be touched and used by an adult for such things.
I struggle now. Because for me, sexual pleasure is now intrinsically linked to that experience with my father. It's really hard for me to enjoy myself sexually if there isn't some element of that experience tied into it.
I feel disgusting a lot of the time. I often call myself a slut and a whore. Cuz that's how I feel. I know the argument. HE was the adult. He had the responsibility to one, not do drugs while watching me for the weekend. And two, to not have sex with his kid just because I was curious and he was high AF.
A lot of the reason I feel gross is because I started it. Even though he was high, I asked if I could touch his body. I wanted to explore the things I just learned about from my mother. And he let me. I know. I was the child. I had no responsibility. But I still feel responsible. He was under the influence and couldn't make proper decisions.
He became very distant after it happened. Especially after I came out as gay to him. He never felt like my father again after that. And I went no contact in 2008 when I realized that he was never going to want me like that again.
So I don't cry over it. I don't have nightmares. This didn't give me PTSD because it was, on the whole, a positive experience for me at the time. But now I feel gross. I feel like this is one of the reasons why I deserve to die. I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm not supposed to want this with my own father. I can't even talk about it in therapy because I'm scared my therapist is just gonna assume I'm a pedophile. I'm afraid everyone will assume that
Which I am not. I've been calling this difficulty I have "reverse pedophila". I am not attracted to children. I have no harmful feelings of any kind towards children. If anything my experience has made me extremely protective of children. My mom was abusive too, just not sexually. But it also solidified my desire to protect children from shitty adults.
No my problem is that I want to be the child that is being preyed upon again. I want to be my young self again and feel that connection to a man again. How fucked up is that? I age regress when I am with older men. Its something my brain does automatically. Its very distressing. And finding men who are okay with that kind of roleplay is very rare.
I've also become aware of how this experience affected the way I develop relationships with men. I've always led with sex. Because that was my first real "male bonding" activity. So I don't know how to start relationships with men that don't start with sex.
I don't know how to fix this dysfunction. Idk how to move on from my desire for a sexual relationship with my father. I don't even know if he's still alive at this point.
It has left me feeling gross, ashamed and feeling like I deserve to die. I just want to experience normal sexual desires.
I have a partner. He's younger than me by 4 years. Because of that I am unable to play out any fantasies with him to relieve my brain. And it just makes me feel more ashamed because I can't tell him out of fear he will be disgusted by me.
So all in all. While not the stereotypical, nightmare vision of rape/molestation that most people think about. It still did it's damage that I am still contending with today.
Now I'm gonna go convince myself I need to die even more for sharing any of this.
I am so sorry you are experiencing that..but i really feel like you don't realise somethings about your situation and your brain..
What you are feeling right now, your desires, you craving for it to happen again are all NORMAL and COMMON especially in male csa victims and this feeling might be even stronger for gay csa victim whose perpetrator was a male as well. I know that there aren't much victims out there who say about this part of their trauma response..
Many victims specially in the cases of csa since the child is still at a early developing stage, the grow up to have complex ptsd, personalities some also develop complex sexual desires..this kind of traumas also mess up your sexual desires and it's ever lasting ones..
You didn't felt it as an abuse because it was made sure by your father that you don't feel abused. Even though he was high AF, anyone no matter how high can differentiate between the body of a child and an adult. You didn't felt abused cuz he wasn't harsh, rough, forced. No, if ever go look up statements of male csa victims, i bet you most of them will say that the perpetrator made them do something they didn't want,forced,blackmailed,physically abused,etc. And will never state about their current sexual desire expect hyper or under sexuality..your father feels guilty as he wasn't high enough to forget about it but that doesn't make it any less worse or more forgiving.
You just like many children were curious about sex. Like how children ask there parents "where do babies come from?" Because parents know everything and just like how most girl child would go to thier mothers asking questions about sex cuz there's a "same gender comfort" you as a boy went to your father and what he did was UNSPEAKABLE(even if you have forgiven him). You were just curious JUST CURIOUS NOT A WHORE OR A SLUT. YOU WERE YOUNG. You didn't seduce him in any form or way. How well do you even think you knew the art of seduction at that age to could have possible be a slut or whore? Asking a question should have never caused you so much.
In many female(not as strong) and male(more stronger) especially in csa cases the victim can develop a (i don't know the right word but) "sexual desire" or "tendency" towards a part of the abuse.
Say, if a young girl was forcfully kissed by a grown man and further molested..she might grow to be loved to kiss again the same way but consensual even if it unlocks that memory. In my country there is a not at all publicly known divorce case where the couple wanted divorce because the man wanted his wife to sit on his face and move and she hated it. His kink was developed due to trauma as he as a child was raped by his aunt and she would sit on his face and rub it. This was actually told by thier lawyer and i saw that video long ago so i can't link it.
But as a child i think that some kids as they are growing and thier brain can lock a certain memory that though mixed with horror is still enjoyed by thier other organs and they do send signals to brain which can result in people having trauma drawn "fetish" or "kinks"..it can be a really small part or the entire thing but either way the DAMAGE is made the life is altered and ruined.
I know you won't find many such victims even though there are many either they havn't accepted that part yet or still pushing those things down or they feel just like you. They are ashamed of their own feelings as if they cared out a whole well schemed and carried out plan and later played a victim card for thier own gain. Like some murder,homewreker or the person that knew that the person they want already has a partner but even without loving the person you decided to harm that person's partner.
Look, don't be ashamed of something you can't control. You don't control how your brain works, everyone specially the people on this thread would love to control how thier brain works but we just can't. No human can and you are also a human. Don't hate yourself for something you didn't do the fact that you feel ashmed and have hated your own self is enough proof that you are a good person at heart. Don't blame yourself for something you can't control.
I don't know what kind of therapist you go to but you can recover..i don't know how to fix the trauma based sexual fetish but you can try talking about article on such topics and based on their response you might know how much your therapist knows about such stuff and if they can help you recover or not..
And i am not in position to recommend anything about you discussing it with your partner cuz *ahem* currently i am kinda in the same thing..i want to tell my bf about my molestation too and how much i really need him but i am too scared of his judgment and "NO" as a reply for my pled for help and i have limited time so..you should discuss about it with someone really understanding and knowledge
Don't hate yourself for sharing this..you are brave to accept and share this i admire that about you and here's an article to backup what i said ~
Hope you recover soon and hold less negative feelings for yourself and be happy and have a peacefull mind♡
My answer is probably weird but I felt nothing. Complete apathy. I still feel nothing when I think about it. I guess one of the seldom mentioned benefits of not caring about yourself? I'm not sure. I've been emotionally and psychlogically, physically and sexually abused and that's also the order of how much damage it did. The mental stuff has always been the worst for me and eventually completely broke me. The physical was bad in the sense that it was a betrayal by my own mother. The sexual was for some reason never registered as a trauma. That particular relationship had so many things going on that I found to be way worse.
I am sorry you went through all of that...That's a lot of things and it is possible for sexual part to be not registered as trauma because you have had much worse experiences and too many also too much ..
I hope you recover from all of these and start caring for yourself(i don't think that it will make your brain register the sexual trauma) cuz others won't always care for you be there for yourself that times which are hard and hope you too live happily and trusting of others ♡
Dude here, i got groped by a girl in school and it just made me feel absolutely violated and ashamed.
I got molested at 4 years old by a family friends son while we where in his room. For some crazy reason he decided to spray air freshener on my ass which hurt like hell. I just remember snipits of it though. Hell I didn't even understand what was going on
I am so sorry to hear that...that's horrible..that friend was crazy and twisted.. is toying with you..ofc you didn't understood that was going on you were literally just 4 yr old.
I hope you recover soon from the snipits of those memories and won't have to unlock more though i do think you should get a therspist cuz memories might come with MH issues your brain doesn't erase memories just blocks or blures them for a time period and that girl gets humiliated soon i hope you live happily and peacefully ♡
Trigger Warning
% Puerto Rican and after everything, he gets an escort and contracts hiv, then tried to come back to me.. I had to leave the state of Florida because he would stalk me, key my car, chase me around the city and send me dirty fotos. I don't ever speak of this.
