Discussion How did you felt while being raped/molested?

[c.c]

Mod note:
Trigger Warning
The following thread contain potentially triggering descriptions of sexual assault.
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(I don't think this thread will get much attention)

Just as the title says..victims of such horror..how did it felt while being raped/molested and how did YOU FEEL during the aftermath of it and still do..???

we all know what ptsd is like and it's symptoms and stuff and imagine the horror the victim must have suffered and still lives in..
And most of the times victim are just asked about how it happened and the details about what perpetrator did to them? But not much about how the victim felt and still feels...i know a lot of us never got the chance to say our feelings in DETAIL just brushed off with "i have ptsd" or just break down while speaking and i know everybody's story is different and so are there feelings...

So, i want to know how did yall felt during? After it? And still do?
Not the story but rather your feelings in depth..

 

[c.c]

I'm 42, and about 5 years ago I started getting flashbacks to some really scary images of when I was a young child (probably 5-7). They are not full memories, only bits and pieces, and I'm not 100% sure if my mind was actually able to block these memories for so long or if they are not real. Is that normal?? But, I suppose it would make sense that I developed behavioral issues as I was a kid, and depression and anxiety throughout my life.

It is compeletly normal..and i am sorry you developed MH issues and struggled with for so long not knowing the cause of it..brain does blocks event which are too traumatic..even i don't some pieces of my molestation..and it's unfortunate that even after blocking the memories..you can't escape the aftermath of it and also that the brain will start showing you pieces of it after a period of time..

I hope that now after knowing the root cause of your deperession and anxiety you will recover fast and live free of your mh struggles and haapily♡

Disgusting, ashamed, and confused. I felt guilty because he always blamed me for "provoking" him, and I believed that for years. i wasn't trying to provoke him, I didn't even know what sex was, I was so young. i was crying and begged for it to stop the first few times, I even tried getting away. Eventually i just gave up and tried to dissociate through it. i still get worried that i somehow encouraged it, and so sad mourning the loss of my innocence. I even feel ashamed about losing my virginity, even though it wouldn't have otherwise mattered to me. There's a lasting horror when your bodily autonomy is violated. It feels like I'm ruined. i hate myself.

It hurt so much. he is almost a decade older than me. He said he was going to kill me, and i believed he was going to. I still have flashbacks all the time. But he was so sweet and apologetic to me throughout that following week which made me feel so much more confused. But kind of happy too. He comforted me and bought me toys. Part of me yearns for that unpredictable treatment now. I feel like i deserve to be abused. I'm an awful person. The abuse continued for years and he still tries to contact me.

I confided in a close male friend I trusted about this abuse a couple years ago. He used it against me and did the same things to me. He did all of the same things I told him happened to me. He was the only person i ever told. except for now on here. It's nice to have somewhere where i can say these things and people will understand.

I am so sorry to hear that..you didn't deserve that and you never provoked him. You were a child scared for her life. I know how it feels to you believe that you provoked him but deep down you know..you never did. You didn't even know what that meant at the time so, how could you possible have done something to provoke him? That guy and that friend both were digusting people they viewed and preyed upon you that way..you could have possible done nothing to prevent that maybe if you were well protected like every child deserves to be? Maybe if that friend wasn't a fucking monster but a human? Maybe if you had superpowers to know what kind person one truly is or read other people's mind?? I know it's easier said than done but go to the police if possible? Restraining order? If not tell him to not ever contact you ever again or you will charge him..anything that might scare him off? I know that horror of seeing your preparator trying to contact you after you have barely escaped ...if you can't think of a way to get him off your back you can ask people on this form for advice or try asking from people with similar cases and how they got rid of there preparator stalking them, try asking therapist?

Hope you get rid of him contacting you and start recovering soon and live happily and peacefully♡

This thred is making me physically feel uneasy but again who knows maybe that's just from being exposed to such depravity, personally I can't describe because why would I want to think about it willingly or talk about that shit willingly, but I don't mean to seem offensive, my apologies in advance for coming off as potentially abrasive

That's understandable..forgetting all about it does sounds nice..you don't need to force your self to think or remember about..but do talk about it when you truly feel like it or it will eat you up from the inside alive..
Hope you recover fully soon too

Humiliated and disgusted. That's all, but it only came with time. I was too young at the time to actually know what's going on. Only now I feel like I want to puke every time I think of it.

Hey..i am sorry to hear that..the one who should feel humiliated should be your preparator not you..i hope you recover soon as well..and be happy and at peace

 

[c.c]

I don't know if this is appropriate to ask... not because I'm a man, because men do get sexually abused too... but because as far as I'm aware I've never been sexually abused.

But I was wondering, based on some of what I've read through this thread. Beyond the physical pain and torment of the experience, on the psychological side of it. Is it different when it is a stranger? Like when the random pervert grabs someone off the street and assaults them? VS. when it is someone you know/trust, like a friend, family member, or boyfriend?

I'm asking because... I feel like psychologically *I* think I would feel worse if it was from a trusted person rather than a stranger. I feel like I could dissociate the memory more easily if it wasn't a betrayal by someone I knew. I feel like if it came from someone I knew/trusted that would be way harder for me to deal with.

Anyway, feel free to ignore if this is out of place. It just was something that struck me as I was reading through all of the horrible experiences that none of you (or anyone else) should ever have to endure.

Yep it's different for both gender..i don't know about adult male victims but a minor male victim have different experiences during and after the incident most even have complete difference in pain emotionally physically and psychologically..
Yes, if its a stranger you won't go out and confined yourself in closed space and avoid outside or where it happend ..if it's someone known it's more harder to trust other known people and won't feel safe at close places too
Either way..all are equally worst in their own

agree. i know i'm not actually contributing much by not writing my experience or responding to anyone else's reply to the post, but the title of the thread filled me with deep unease. i really do hate talking about it even if it's to other victims since thinking about it makes me feel ill. therapists would ask me to describe it or say how it felt to me at the time but i didn't want to answer them because the question made me uneasy and someone asking me that made me feel like they were doing it because they thought i needed it instead of because i wanted to tell them. i hate talking about it but i'm glad this thread makes the people commenting in it feel accepted. describing the experience itself feels traumatic because i had to tell cops and doctors over and over on the same day because i was told to go to the police, just to get told i didn't have enough evidence and to go back home. going to the police and the hospital just made me more of a burden to my parents than i already was. talking about it and reading about it makes me feel so sad.

I am so sorry you went through all of that ..you didn't deserved not only the horror but also the treatment people gave you after that..noone should be forced to say such things..i am sorry i can understand not wanting to talk about it and you were forced to say about it and you did just to not receive the justice you deserved ...
I hope you recover from all of that soon and be happy as well as live peacefully ♡

My ex raped me when we first got together while I was sound asleep, when he was doing his thing, I woke up of course and was scared out of my mind as I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended to still be asleep. he then told me if I ever left him, he would kill me. This lasted 6 years and ended horribly. He's % Puerto Rican and after everything, he gets an escort and contracts hiv, then tried to come back to me.. I had to leave the state of Florida because he would stalk me, key my car, chase me around the city and send me dirty fotos. I don't ever speak of this.

I am so sorry you went through all of that..your ex should be in a jail and later hanged after being humiliated brutally...you went through so much..a lot for justing getting into a relationship and you(and onone) should be made to leave the place they live in because of such lowlifes
I really hope you recover from this though it would be hard..but i hope you find a partner who cherishes you and is considerate,understanding and loving..hope you find happiness and peaceful life♡

 

[darksouls]

it is a different form of abuse,but I hope you do not mind if I write it here anyway
my mother tortured me as a child by nearly drowning me in the bathtub
during the torture I only felt panic,I had no thoughts
my self-hatred was always very strong
I am a broken person
I dont feel dead and I dont feel alive
I have never had any human friends
I cant build relationships with people,because I cant trust anyone
my fear of disappointment is too strong

 

[c.c]

Ive read some of the thread and it seems like some people are being rude and think that your question is insensitive (or maybe I just don't know how to read peoples tones) but whatever the case is I'm here for you in whatever your feeling!

The first time I was molested, it was by my own cousin when I was maybe 5-6. The thing is, I can only remember what people told me about it. In my grandmother's house, my mother found me multiple times in the closet with my older male cousin, me naked. This happened over the course of a year or two every time we'd go to my grandmothers house. When the truth was out, I was forced to stay quiet and was invalidated, told it wasn't sexual assault because both me and my cousin were minors, and if I told anyone I'd rip my family apart. I barely even remember what he looks like, but when I look on the mirror I always see a glimpse of him behind me, like he's haunting me. A few years back, a video went viral of him running across a busy road and getting hit by a truck. He's now paralyzed, and months before my parents disowned me I was forced to see him again for the first time since the incident as kids.Im just glad he couldn't hurt another child like he hurt me, but I'm pretty sure before the truck hit him he already had more victims. Something that really affects me and I remember is the last time I spoke to my mother, when she disowned me and stranded me, she shamed me for it and told me that I wanted it. Which I wouldve never told her, a fellow victim...

The most recent time wasn't rape or molestation I don't think. I was 17 when it happened. He was in my high school and lived on the same block. He lied to me about his age (at the time he turned out to be 14/15, and a freshman, but he only had sophomore and junior classes. I was a junior. He told me he was 17.) The relationship wasn't that great. He was manipulative and abusive during it all. He'd stab me with shit under tables, force me into stairwells to make out and feel on me, and (what I broke up with him for) cheated multiple times and tried to lure me into the nearby Public Library bathroom to force me to have sex with him. And when I didn't, he tried to get one of my friends to get me to the library (but I had good friends at the time. She warned me instead and told me not to go. It turns out him, and 2 other guy friends were waiting for me in that bathroom..) The aftermath of that was I had to move across town, but I still had to finish my studies at the high school I graduated from, with him in my class for the remainder of that year. He auditioned for the play I got a main role in just to get near me, he'd wait at the back exit where the breakfast room and special education classes were during dismissal (I was not a special education kid, he was and would purposely miss his bus so he could try and catch me walking out of that entrance. I was given a specific card for that door no other student had, because my PUBLIC transit bus stopped there, and going the other exit would result in me having to walk all the way around the schools exterior.) and the torment didnt stop until I graduated in June 2024.

I do have frequent flashbacks of the time, and it has affected what I do now somewhat and how much I go out (since I still have chances of seeing them) and it's just made me more paranoid than normal. It also caused me to be hypersexual from a young age, and because of that I've been groomed online young. Also, having an abusive and toxic home family did not help. I feel like you'd have to ask the FRIENDS of people who've gone through this also to see truly how it affects you, because there's things you can't see about yourself that others can.

I try not to think about it often but when I do, even though I know it was not my fault, I still feel like it is and I have the neverending thought of what I couldve done to stop the situations and help myself. I feel disappointed in myself because I feel like I couldve done more, and I feel envious for those who were allowed to get "Justice" as I was never given the chance out of fear. I hope my story helps with whatever your going through. You are not alone

If you need a friend or someone to just speak to, I'm here! Please don't hesitate to PM!!

Heyy..i am so sorry you had to experience all of that..That's horrible and there wasn't anything you could possibly have done to avoid it from all happening..your cousin knew what he was doing even as a minor,your mother as a victim knew how much those words could damage you and your ex ...what you did at the time was to protect yourself...during that time,at that age and with those circumstances..you did ENOUGH you did the best you could to protect yourself..
I hope you recover soon and live with happiness and in a peacefull life♡

Will surely text you..and i think i probably already know the time when i would really need to but that's if i fail to CTB.

it is a different form of abuse,but I hope you do not mind if I write it here anyway
my mother tortured me as a child by nearly drowning me in the bathtub
during the torture I only felt panic,I had no thoughts
my self-hatred was always very strong
I am a broken person
I dont feel dead and I dont feel alive
I have never had any human friends
I cant build relationships with people,because I cant trust anyone
my fear of disappointment is too strong

I am so sorry ..you endured that as a child..you went through a abuse so extreme by your own mother..i was abused by my parents too but it wasn't as significant as you but know that you didn't deserve that at all not even a bit of it..you didn't get to experience your parents love but that doesn't mean that other people will do the same or anything similar..i know there are a lot of worst people who shouldn't even be called humans such was your mother when she did that to you..a child. I know it's easier said than done but why not give others a chance to be a part of your life, you don't have to trust them just let them enter without much authority over your life and you can see if the person is worth keeping the relationship...try therapist? I don't know the word's that you would like to read or feel nice reading them but know that you can recover..i know it's hard but don't let that person ruin every relationship you hold, your point of view towards people...
I hope you recover soon and find all the kind, caring,understanding and loving people you deserve to be with and live happiness and lead a joyful life♡

Everytime I've been raped ... it made me significantly worse. It's horrible

I am sorry to hear that..i hope you recover soon and be happy and live peacefully..and be filled with joy and be full of life♡

 

[c.c]

I can relate to this and I'm a similar age. I can only remember one bit which wasn't even that bad but I think there's more. I don't want to remember.. there have been moments I've almost 'remembered' but pushed it down.

I am sorry to hear... you should see a therapist for your own mental safety? Instead of pushing them do..♡

 

[Griever]

I hope I never have to go through something like that again

 

[Cauliflour]

So all in all. While not the stereotypical, nightmare vision of rape/molestation that most people think about. It still did it's damage that I am still contending with today.

Now I'm gonna go convince myself I need to die even more for sharing any of this.

Not many things disturb me enough to make me have to skim read the second half but this made me feel a kind of disgust that I don't feel often, which means you did a great job explaining! If I can feel disgusted just from reading an experience then I dread to think what it's actually like, sitting in memories and psychological impulses...but you shouldn't think that you should die for sharing this. It was insightful. It made me want to stop reading and turn my brain off, but it's incest so it should be doing that. I wish you well!