sadToast
2 slits im gone in the endless abyss
- Apr 25, 2023
- 34
Greetings SaSu family.
you will see me as a new member but i have been a silent member here for quite some time, nearly 8 months i believe. for some that may sound too long considering the purpose and goals of this message board but dont be misguided, i too am suicidal. i have been suicidal & depressed for the better portion of my life (for context i am 23/F) and i have attempted to CTB twice. since the last failure i haven't attempted again or even made the plans but the feeling of wanting to die has continued to loom, until three years ago. i had a close, dear friend of mine commit suicide. it wasn't shocking and it wasn't something i didnt see coming. he spoke to me about wanting to die frequently and was a pro life advocate to him. but on the day he decided to ctb (minutes before actually) he explained how he searched endlessly for something, anything, to bring him purpose to live and he found nothing. ( religiously, economically, socially i mean the man was searching) and after that conversation he proceeded to pull the trigger. ever since then i have tried to repress my suicidal thoughts and feelings and have fallen into terrible coping mechanisms in order to place a stable facade on myself (i have a terrible relationship with food and i overall am careless about my health). i have been telling myself since his suicide that i am not suicidal and that i see more to life but i think i have been lying to myself. i chronically isolate myself & eat my negative thoughts away and i have recently started to physically feel the negative turn my health is taking. i know how to fix things and what i should do differently but i feel like i dont care about anything. i feel hollow. i dont care about having a college education. i dont care about not having a job. i dont care about not having money. i don't care about myself. but i have not chosen to ctb again. i know many of you may not feel the same as most of you are ready to take action but i feel even too lazy for that. but i am slowly killing myself nonetheless i suppose. this vent is the product of a manic episode and this is the only place i felt comfortable spilling these feelings. i hope this vent isn't received negatively and if so i apologize as i am not in a stable state of mind and i had no intent to come as an individual who doesn't share a mindset similar to you alls. i am just lost right now <3
you will see me as a new member but i have been a silent member here for quite some time, nearly 8 months i believe. for some that may sound too long considering the purpose and goals of this message board but dont be misguided, i too am suicidal. i have been suicidal & depressed for the better portion of my life (for context i am 23/F) and i have attempted to CTB twice. since the last failure i haven't attempted again or even made the plans but the feeling of wanting to die has continued to loom, until three years ago. i had a close, dear friend of mine commit suicide. it wasn't shocking and it wasn't something i didnt see coming. he spoke to me about wanting to die frequently and was a pro life advocate to him. but on the day he decided to ctb (minutes before actually) he explained how he searched endlessly for something, anything, to bring him purpose to live and he found nothing. ( religiously, economically, socially i mean the man was searching) and after that conversation he proceeded to pull the trigger. ever since then i have tried to repress my suicidal thoughts and feelings and have fallen into terrible coping mechanisms in order to place a stable facade on myself (i have a terrible relationship with food and i overall am careless about my health). i have been telling myself since his suicide that i am not suicidal and that i see more to life but i think i have been lying to myself. i chronically isolate myself & eat my negative thoughts away and i have recently started to physically feel the negative turn my health is taking. i know how to fix things and what i should do differently but i feel like i dont care about anything. i feel hollow. i dont care about having a college education. i dont care about not having a job. i dont care about not having money. i don't care about myself. but i have not chosen to ctb again. i know many of you may not feel the same as most of you are ready to take action but i feel even too lazy for that. but i am slowly killing myself nonetheless i suppose. this vent is the product of a manic episode and this is the only place i felt comfortable spilling these feelings. i hope this vent isn't received negatively and if so i apologize as i am not in a stable state of mind and i had no intent to come as an individual who doesn't share a mindset similar to you alls. i am just lost right now <3
