Discussion how can you know when enough is enough?

[sweetbraid]

i am chronically ill and living on government disability funding. without going into detail, if i live with my partner my money will be cut off and we will be homeless. i have no where else to go and i will die on the street very quickly. i have about 3 solid friends where i live, my mother essentially abandoned me and my father is homicidal. it's not actually safe for me to live alone at this point in my illnesses and even if it was, i deserve to live with a romantic partner safely and have that sort of relationship. i cannot work, i have tried a variety of different things to make extra money and they all cause me extra pain or i get sick with an acute infection (ie upper respiratory infection/cold/flu, bronchitis, sinusitis, ear infection, etc) and can do even less for the several weeks it takes my compromised immune system to recover; i cannot work. at the very least, i cannot work enough to support myself in a sufficient way to pay for housing, food, bills, etc.

aside from the money and housing issues, my chronic illnesses are degenerative/progressive in my case and cause extreme unending unceasing pain. i have begun to accept over that past few years of getting more and more ill and less and less functional that at some point my life and quality of life will degrade to the point where the kindest, most loving choice i can make for myself is to kill myself (by my own devices or by utilizing medical suicide procedures).

what i keep coming back to is - how will i know when enough is enough? when i last discussed this with my therapist, her answer was essentially i'll know. which is true. i think ive been under the impression that when enough is enough, it wont be tied up with my mental health - which feels a bit naive, because like of course it will be tied up with depression and despair and stuff, getting progressively sicker and sicker until i cant eat or move without pain or exhaustion is going to amp up my depression and anxiety LOL like of course it is, duh. so how can i know when enough is enough, if the point of Enough is enmeshed with my mental state?

what do you think? how would you go about this? thank you <3

 

[U. A.]

I ask myself this all the time, and my answer is generally the same as your therapist's.

For me, I imagine it's when the amount (in time or intensity) of bad in life outweighs the good. Of course this is different for everyone, based on who we are and the rate at which circumstances change. I would consider my situation far less dire than yours and don't know how I could tolerate it, but if you asked me even five years ago if I could tolerate my life the way it currently is, I'd have said "fuck no".

Your account is so OG you may have seen this when it was actually posted, but in case not it might be worth reading. It's not 100% applicable to your situation but nonetheless one of my favorites on this site:

Ways of making peace with dying

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[XiaroX]

I think the system f-ing sucks, and that you are not getting enough support.

I was in a situation where my disability support was cut off after I had been in a relationship for 3 years - my disability was about me being a 'hopeless case' mental patient, but if you lived with someone too long, they were considered 'legally responsible' - and it ruined the relationship. Every time I've been homeless, I've made suicide attempts. I am so sorry. Only you can know when your quality of life isn't acceptable, but I think the real issue is that when that's the case, you need access to more humane options, and any civilized society would have the insight and guts to provide these. I think you deserve access to more support, understanding, and resources. I would say you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything before you feel ready, and when you are ready, you should have better options. But, I know, the world isn't ideal. Also, I would like to say I wish your therapist could have had something more compassionate or deep or something to say.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I agree with the idea. I believe that I'll still find whether my life is worth continuing until the natural end. If CTB were to be the answer, I'll realize that I've tried everything then I'm completely sure of my decision. The last moment will be nothing but comfort like especially long time members have posted about their feeling of peacefulness in their goodbye threads.

I'm doing what I can do now and seeing where it takes me.

As for the actual act of CTB, this has been a very long time coming. My desire to no longer exist began around the age of 9. And I've spent the last 2 years actively trying to exit via hanging (partial and full), but I was never able to manage it. In late August, I fortuitously found DMC and I bought my SN as soon as I had the funds available. I was also able to get Meto, which was something I thought I'd have to go without. It's still a bit surreal, to be honest. But it feels incredibly relieving to have a method that is much more suitable for my sensibilities. I'm really hoping this will finally be my bus ticket out of here. Fuck knows I've fought long and hard enough for peace.

Now, as for how I feel about it is more complicated than just "I feel immensely happy about it". Don't get me wrong, in a way, I do feel happy about this as it's my own decision to choose and I consider death to be an escape to all of the harms in life as well as the potential harms that I could go through in the future. However, I do have other feelings as well such as how I feel bad for my brother since he's only a minor and doesn't deserve the pain of dealing with a dead relative. He wasn't able to cope well at all with my sister's death and it's unfortunately going to be so much more worse for my death. However, even then, I still have to push on and kill myself because I can't be staying alive just for his welfare and, if I put their grief on one scale and the suffering that I inflict on to others by merely living on the other scale (being a meat eater), it's evident that it's still logically better for me to cease to exist.


It isn't just my brother as well, I also feel bad about those who are still alive. At the end of the day, existence isn't only about me, it's about every sentient being on this planet. Now there are probably people who are looking at this and deeming me to be a hypocrite due to what I stated in my previous paragraph but, no, existence isn't only about my brother or my parents either... it's about every single sentient being on this planet. There are so many people and animals on this planet who are suffering immensely every single day and, even if I were to die, the world will still carry on and the carnage that is on earth will still be happening. This makes me feel sad for killing myself because I wish that there was something that I could do to help the people who are suffering on this planet but unfortunately there isn't anything that I can do about it due to how powerless I am. I wish that I could help those who are already here by giving N to those who want to ctb but there is nothing that I can do and I hate that. All I can do is save myself since I'm unable to save anybody else but it hurts so much to acknowledge that sentient beings will still be suffering here. Nonetheless, I will push on to ctb since I can rationally acknowledge that there is nothing that I can do here.


Aside from that though, I am at peace and I want to go ahead with this.

My reasons are straightforward and only briefly sharing this so everyone is aware this is well thought throw and I have evaluated all options carefully before coming to this decision: I've done all I can in this painful, unforgiving world, and I've thought this through for a long time. I have given every other option a valid, wholehearted try. I've reached this decision with a clear and calm mind. I want to sincerely thank everyone who made my time here memorable. You are truly incredible people who've shown wit, compassion, understanding, and grace. I'm deeply sorry for anyone who's struggling in this world. Please know that no one else needs to follow the path I've chosen—take the time you need for yourself. I've had the time to reflect and make my decision.

While I could name some of you that "I'll miss", stepping into nothingness means I won't have the capacity to miss anyone—but for sentiment's sake, I'll say it's been a pleasure knowing you. I genuinely wish each and every one of you the very best. It's been incredible getting to know all of you truly badass people. I've built some amazing relationships here, and I am grateful to have met you and for providing me a safe place to just be myself. You've brought me more joy in my final days more than you'll ever know. Truly, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I feel genuinely happy and so ready for the nothingness ahead. This is the right path for me. Be kind to one another on this site, this is a truly special place, a real community. I'm thankful to each of you being part of my journey.

Looking forward to my peace & serenity at last.