It's been nice where I live and I have seasonal depression like most people on top of my issues. So I've been in an okay mood and today I finally left my house by myself to take a walk which is amazing for me because I haven't went out alone in sooo long. It's so hard with social anxiety.
But while I was walking and listening to music and just enjoying the nice day and wind in my hair I kept getting intrusive thoughts and bad memories coming up. It is really terrible because then I get in my head and I can't even enjoy anything. My therapist tells me to notice the thoughts and sit with them for a bit but they are so terrible that I have to blink them away and yell at myself in my head. When I'm alone in my room I talk out loud and say shut up and I feel so crazy.
It was also terrible because with my paranoia I kept feeling like people were following me in a gang stalking way even though I know that's not real for me. Idk if gang stalking is real, I mean the CIA planted crack in areas with a primarily black population so I wouldn't discredit it right away. I'm a nobody though so it's unlikely for me.
I just want it to go away but this is my brain. My therapist wants me to work with my thoughts with her but I can't even get them out of my head it's so terrible. I don't know how to explain and if I do I feel so crazy. And that's my shame I need to get over but I feel so shamed with my existence. It also feels like therapy is pointless because I can't even do important work.
But while I was walking and listening to music and just enjoying the nice day and wind in my hair I kept getting intrusive thoughts and bad memories coming up. It is really terrible because then I get in my head and I can't even enjoy anything. My therapist tells me to notice the thoughts and sit with them for a bit but they are so terrible that I have to blink them away and yell at myself in my head. When I'm alone in my room I talk out loud and say shut up and I feel so crazy.
It was also terrible because with my paranoia I kept feeling like people were following me in a gang stalking way even though I know that's not real for me. Idk if gang stalking is real, I mean the CIA planted crack in areas with a primarily black population so I wouldn't discredit it right away. I'm a nobody though so it's unlikely for me.
I just want it to go away but this is my brain. My therapist wants me to work with my thoughts with her but I can't even get them out of my head it's so terrible. I don't know how to explain and if I do I feel so crazy. And that's my shame I need to get over but I feel so shamed with my existence. It also feels like therapy is pointless because I can't even do important work.
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