Help How can I face it

[PaperCrane]

After experiencing severe depression (multiple ctb attempted--couldn't finish since I'm scared of death) for around 8 years, I decided to take some time off away from my direct family and visit my grandparents in a different country for two months. I thought this would help me settle my mind since I don't actually want to die I just want to get out of my situation, but if anything, I feel so much worse. I've been running away my whole life and it's like seeing two different roads, and I still chose to run.

I'm halfway across the globe from my parents (large factor of my depression) and now I don't know what to do. Everything here feels so unreal, like as if I'm forcing myself to act as if it's helping when it's not. I'm wasting my life here and even back at home it'll be the same. I want to face everything. I want to make sure that I do something with my life because I feel so guilty right now that my only solution to years of torture was to just run away. But I just can't. I just don't know how. I've forced myself into this cage for so long that I forgot how to fly.

 

[SeonSeia]

You don't really have to fly or do anything with your life. You could just be a penguin and slide?? Penguins are happy, I think.

And it's good you ran away, as you said. I dont think it was a cowardly decision to move away from the people torturing you. I think it was a step in the right direction.

You said you want to do everything, and face it instead of running, but it's hard because youve been caged for so long you dont know how.

So i think you should just live life regularly for a while, (sliding), and over time, you'll know more of what it feels like not to be caged, and then it should be easier to figure out how to fly from there.

It seems like you've been suffering all your life and now you want to fly, but it doesn't really happen all at once. You dont go from caged to flying, you need to walk first.

You also should remain far from your parents. I feel like you going back to them would just be like putting yourself back in the cage, but I also don't know all the details.