How are you this new years day? How are you doing? Are you surviving your thoughts? Are they all consuming? Im going to vent a little here you do too.

[lemohemo]

how do you feel? My nervous system is eating its self alive. I went to bed at 5pm new years eve woke up multiple times.
All i could feel was the happiness of the world and the exclusion i was feeling. I've developed a little of a k habit and a trip where i relived my memories of my psychosis, happened this time 10 years ago. It changed me, I've never been the same since. I have bipolar and autism and know im creeping closer and closer to the finish line with the way i went to sleep and woke up, I've been in a low since last january and nothing has shifted, ive been surrouned by beautiful people and communities, excitment and festivals and i just went through it all with smiling depression. I've had 6 attempts and just trying to work out my next i don't want to come back from another one.

 

[Exhausted546]

how do you feel? My nervous system is eating its self alive. I went to bed at 5pm new years eve woke up multiple times.
All i could feel was the happiness of the world and the exclusion i was feeling. I've developed a little of a k habit and a trip where i relived my memories of my psychosis, happened this time 10 years ago. It changed me, I've never been the same since. I have bipolar and autism and know im creeping closer and closer to the finish line with the way i went to sleep and woke up, I've been in a low since last january and nothing has shifted, ive been surrouned by beautiful people and communities, excitment and festivals and i just went through it all with smiling depression. I've had 6 attempts and just trying to work out my next i don't want to come back from another one.

I gave a test run yesterday with FSH using the closed door's top and door frame's top as an anchor point to hold the rope due to how tight it is. It seemed to work, even without tying the rope on the other side of the door, I'll still tie it to be safe

Anyway that test run made things easier for me. I may catch the bus once I'm home alone. Only issue is that I'm never alone for long, so it forces me to rush and when the suicidal urge passes,I can't be bothered. Hopefully I'll be home alone before the urge fades

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Just regretting i couldn't shoot myself last night.

I missed the greatest Opportunity to shoot myself when the fireworks were going on so nobody would have known i shot myself but think it was a loud firework instead of a rifle shot

 

[Exhausted546]

Just regretting i couldn't shoot myself last night.

I missed the greatest Opportunity to shoot myself when the fireworks were going on so nobody would known i shot myself but think it was a loud firework instead of a rifle shot

Do you live around people?

 

[mywayout]

hey, happy new year. this resonates with me so much, smiling depression especially. talking complicates things and doesn't work, looking depressed is attention-seeking so it's just easier to pretend everything is OK. my mood flirts with rock bottom regularly, but it's OK. i've been here many times so it's basically home for me. don't get me started on sleep...

let's hope things will become a bit more tolerable :)

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Do you live around people?

Yeah i live in a city, People everywhere. A rifle shot sounds like a bomb or very large firework can be heard from hundreds of meters away( its not like on a video or movie). Don't want anyone to know i shot myself so they wouldnt get a chance to bring me back to life : so when the fireworks were going on nobody would have known i shot myself

 

[Exhausted546]

Yeah i live in a city, People everywhere. A rifle shot sounds like a bomb or very large firework can be heard from hundreds of meters away( its not like on a video or movie). Don't want anyone to know i shot myself so they wouldnt get a chance to bring me back to life

I think shooting yourself in the head is a guaranteed instant death. Although I admit that as much as I wish I had a gun, I wouldn't want to have a messy death

 

[itsgone2]

I feel awful. I did not want to be here in 2026. I'm horrified

I'm too stupid to ctb. I'm too stupid today to figure it out.

My father was smart. The type who could fix or build anything. My grandfather was a Morse code operator in the army. Served in the Korean War.

I've done shit. Wasted falling ass backwards into an amazing job. Divorced. Skill set sucks. How did something so stupid and worthless come from those men?

 

[FuneralCry]

No matter what I'll always find it so torturous and dreadful to exist, every second in this existence is torture to be conscious, to suffer in this horrific reality where existing beings are tortured every second truly is a terrible, undeserved punishment to me, existence is an abomination, I see the existence of life as the most cruel, devastating tragedy that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and I'll always see existence itself as the true problem.

I'll always see it as so dreadful and terrible to be burdened with this existence I just always saw as a mistake, I find it so horrific how a human can suffer for decades longer just to face the agony of old age, every year in this existence is just another year of torture and all I want is peaceful non-existence to solve everything for me and bring me the peace I search for from the evil of existence, to exist really does mean to suffer and I always suffer so unbearably from how humans have made suicide into a crime even know this existence was so tragically imposed and just causes so much pain and suffering all for the sake of it that there was never a need for at all.

 

[inkmage333]

My thoughts are slowly starting to consume me again. The realization is hitting more and more that I'll be trapped in the situation I'm in for far too long even if I'm physically not there. Even if I'm finally away from my family I'm still financially under their thumb, and if I so much as piss them off I can kiss even my health insurance goodbye.

I was never given the opportunity to grow and heal. Any opportunities I had were taken away as soon as things started getting good because god forbid someone be mentally ill. Who cares if you genuinely lose control of your thoughts in a psychotic episode? No one. Who cares if you can't physically feel certain things no matter how hard you try and others want you to? No one. No one truly gives a fuck about the mentally ill no matter what they say, not even myself because I know I hold similar biases towards others even if I don't realize it.

I want to die and disappear forever. I can no longer take the pain and I don't want to go into 2026 with this pain but everything and everyone makes it so hard to ctb properly that it's just too hard.

So yeah my New Year's Day isn't really going great

 

[violetforever]

it makes no difference to me. it feels the same as any other day. the only difference is that yesterday i finally deleted the last social media that i used. i only had it to keep in contact with the remaining two friends i have, one of them i talk to everyday and the other just a few times a week. i really am tired of social media and wanted to get off of it for good. scrolling through negativity and pointless posts is a waste of time. part of me also kind of wanted to isolate myself from anyone i can because i'm feeling closer to ctb. my friends are aware i'm depressed and suicidal and they have difficult lives and depression too but it's been years of this. just talking about it with them doesn't comfort me anymore it's not enough nothing will change. 2026 might actually be the year if my life gets any worse.