Venting how am i supposed not to relapse when it feels so good?

[dinosavr]

There's absolutely no logical reason why self harming is good. It's totally against human nature etc. But oh my god. The minute I felt this burning sensation on my hand again, it's like all the pieces fell back into place. I've missed my lighter, the heat of the flame. Relapsing helped me feel better. In a way, I think it's because I was constantly thinking about how much I want and deserve pain. And by causing myself pain, it just feels right. And who knows? Maybe, one step at a time, I'll be ready again to not just hurt myself but to finally kill myself. I will do my best to not let myself heal. I can't be happy, I'll never be happy, so there's no point at all in trying.

 

[lacrimosa]

I understand where you're coming from. It's the same for me, except I psychologically torture myself (or my mental illness does). The pain is familiar and the only thing I really understand or can comprehend. Ever since I was diagnosed with psychosis at 15. Joy? Why? When the whole world is suffering immensely, how can I let myself live in denial and be happy?

The whole world is going to hell in a hand basket and we just keep marching on like drones to our own destruction.