Man this is a hard post, but I feel I have to…
Therapist here. So that, right off the bat; old instinct is to avoid ANY possibility of hurting anyone else, pushing anyone in any direction, etc… So to be clear, I'm not wanting to do that. But I'm a fucking human too. So I'm here.
Also instinct here: Just to pour it all out, basically journal. Gonna try to balance being too wordy, but think my compromise will also be to use the spoiler tags.
Therapist here. So that, right off the bat; old instinct is to avoid ANY possibility of hurting anyone else, pushing anyone in any direction, etc… So to be clear, I'm not wanting to do that. But I'm a fucking human too. So I'm here.
Also instinct here: Just to pour it all out, basically journal. Gonna try to balance being too wordy, but think my compromise will also be to use the spoiler tags.
Yeah, parents kinda not there/available as a kid, but no abuse or anything crazy I can point to. Crappy divorce I was informed of by Hallmark card.
After like a year of Mom crying like all day, everyday – Don't recall the rest of the details, but early double digit age, I cut some sharp metal, held it to the wrists, and had my first consideration of CTB. Mom and sis finding the body is what stopped me. Continued on…
So many details of course, and plenty of adversity, but for this case. In my mid-teenage years, my Grandma comes down with something they can't diagnose, but peripheral neuropathy, she's just in pain. They try going for the early, legal, assisted route that was starting up in those days. They wouldn't let her. Long story short: she's stopped from jumping from a building by my Grandpa, before finally being successful on another attempt…
As a teen. I was happy for her to be able to end her suffering… I had spoken to her for the last time and ended up with nothing but empathy. Just was glad that she could CTB.
Again, plenty more detail/stories, but through many trials and tribulations, I get to my mid-twenties, finally got my Bachelors degree! More long story short, memorable interviews were; the guy that felt like he'd just brought me in to basically laugh at me. And the other job, where I learned about interviews being able to be in rounds. After a few rounds, I get informed I made it to the top 3. Then don't get the job. Crushing. This leads to my second time in life considering CTB. I considered robbing a bank, "that way I either somehow make it and get rich, or otherwise I get to go out without needing to do it myself"… I ended up in contact with a bud who also graduated and was delivering pizzas. Just to keep going, there I go.
After like a year of Mom crying like all day, everyday – Don't recall the rest of the details, but early double digit age, I cut some sharp metal, held it to the wrists, and had my first consideration of CTB. Mom and sis finding the body is what stopped me. Continued on…
So many details of course, and plenty of adversity, but for this case. In my mid-teenage years, my Grandma comes down with something they can't diagnose, but peripheral neuropathy, she's just in pain. They try going for the early, legal, assisted route that was starting up in those days. They wouldn't let her. Long story short: she's stopped from jumping from a building by my Grandpa, before finally being successful on another attempt…
As a teen. I was happy for her to be able to end her suffering… I had spoken to her for the last time and ended up with nothing but empathy. Just was glad that she could CTB.
Again, plenty more detail/stories, but through many trials and tribulations, I get to my mid-twenties, finally got my Bachelors degree! More long story short, memorable interviews were; the guy that felt like he'd just brought me in to basically laugh at me. And the other job, where I learned about interviews being able to be in rounds. After a few rounds, I get informed I made it to the top 3. Then don't get the job. Crushing. This leads to my second time in life considering CTB. I considered robbing a bank, "that way I either somehow make it and get rich, or otherwise I get to go out without needing to do it myself"… I ended up in contact with a bud who also graduated and was delivering pizzas. Just to keep going, there I go.
So now I'm going to the small business development center, getting a business plan tied to my degree going. Delivering pizzas, idk 30 min. from where I was living.
More long story short: I'd been put in therapy post-divorce. Then forced back in as a teen. Then pushed/encouraged at least 1-2 more times as a young adult. Never "worked for me". "Didn't believe in it." "That's BS!".
But now, at this mid-20's place, my Dad's in therapy, and "as a favor to him – to deal with OUR relationship"… I'm rolling my eyes, but end up going.
First session. I'm bawling by the end. I'm feeling seen, heard, felt, understood…
"Do you want your own sessions?"
"Yeah, I probably should"
I remember feeling at the bottom of a deep dark well. NGL, think I would basically imagine the movie The Ring. But after at least a year+, I also recall feeling like I'd finally gotten to see that ring of light at the top, I'd finally gotten helped to get out as well as helped to help pulling myself out… All, point being, was what made me want to completely change careers, drop the business I was literally about to start, and old school, "pay it forward"… The thought of how important what I'd gotten felt. Just to pay it forward" to a SINGLE person… This felt like the LIFE I felt I'd been given/got. Haa… Ironic to recall/type these words now…
So yeah, a Masters degree. I'd never considered… Let's go. Basically the humanistic/person-centered side of things, Carl Rogers, is what/who I found that felt like what I'd received, and thus inspiration.
WHOLE extra set of stories here, but to keep trying to cut stuff, gotta jump to being in the field.
More long story short: I'd been put in therapy post-divorce. Then forced back in as a teen. Then pushed/encouraged at least 1-2 more times as a young adult. Never "worked for me". "Didn't believe in it." "That's BS!".
But now, at this mid-20's place, my Dad's in therapy, and "as a favor to him – to deal with OUR relationship"… I'm rolling my eyes, but end up going.
First session. I'm bawling by the end. I'm feeling seen, heard, felt, understood…
"Do you want your own sessions?"
"Yeah, I probably should"
I remember feeling at the bottom of a deep dark well. NGL, think I would basically imagine the movie The Ring. But after at least a year+, I also recall feeling like I'd finally gotten to see that ring of light at the top, I'd finally gotten helped to get out as well as helped to help pulling myself out… All, point being, was what made me want to completely change careers, drop the business I was literally about to start, and old school, "pay it forward"… The thought of how important what I'd gotten felt. Just to pay it forward" to a SINGLE person… This felt like the LIFE I felt I'd been given/got. Haa… Ironic to recall/type these words now…
So yeah, a Masters degree. I'd never considered… Let's go. Basically the humanistic/person-centered side of things, Carl Rogers, is what/who I found that felt like what I'd received, and thus inspiration.
WHOLE extra set of stories here, but to keep trying to cut stuff, gotta jump to being in the field.
So US states differ, but at least for us, after graduating, there is a temporary license, national testing, then onto the intro license. So one has be under a clinical supervisor for some years, thousands of practice hours and hundreds of supervision hours. For me, I got some traumatic job situations. Like so many industries; admin/management issues, being watched, pushed, only numbers matters, on and on. Things peaked with one employer running up 10k in debt to me. My last job wasn't the worst, but death by a thousand cuts is still death… Lol ironic place for the saying I was already saying back then…
But, so now we're finally into earlier this year. A single problematic supervisor not wanting to sign off, so re-did hours, but finally finishing my practice hours, so I can finally ditch the old intro license and finally get the FINAL, "independent" license. Now this feels like small fries, but had a big battle with the state, almost reaching me seeking a lawyer. They wanted forms not appropriate for my situation, requiring me to go back to old supervisors for MORE signatures. Anyways, ended up doing it, thankfully supervisors were mostly on my side (except that 1. wait, no, another one, different one that didn't pay me). Anyways, whole thing, but it mashes together with my last job's office moving. I'm not down, and with the license finally seeming to be moving, I take the chance to leave this job to go back to starting a business, but now my own therapy private practice.
AGAIN, SO much more I could hit. So many details, but WHOLE big crazy sprint. I didn't hire anyone, and definitely ended up finding out why most businesses DO. And still, there is more I could do like getting licensed in other states, more marketing, and plenty more. But point being, YES, this last era is where I end up here with y'all.
IIRC, it started with the old supervisor and state licensing problems. I started naturally with the "passive suicidal ideation" as our damn medicalized industry needs to call things.
"Fuck my life", "I hate my life", etc.
SO many pieces affected things: All the hustle, learning and needing to quickly execute business, medical, insurance stuff, etc, etc…
The research seemed to point to methods of getting likely plenty clients. So I wasn't even worried/considering keeping clients from the job I left. But people did want to stick with me. Some had been with me through a couple jobs/years – all I've been able to feel/do is honor the hell out of that. So as I left that job and got started with everything, I started giving those that wanted to stick with me my time pro-bono, again, simply due to respect of wanting to stick with me, any feeling that I'd helped or desire to continue for whatever reason… So again, plenty reason to be sprinting since before I left that job, even.
So the savings I'd been feverishly putting away since encountering the crappy industry, just start leaking away. Basically, I quickly encounter new empathy for the business owners I'd encountered always worried about numbers.
That therapist that changed my life: In that work - it was WORK to work around my difficulties 'taking' or 'asking for'. So through the traumatic jobs in this industry, I'd pushed to reach out to people for help, to talk, etc. The big stuff with the state, leading into the end of the job, beginning of private practice – I mainly ended up reaching out to family here. Dad was least busy, most able to take calls. But more long stories short: Dude couldn't help but try to listen, only to end up invalidating, disbelieving… Whatever it took to end up hurting me to the point of a handful of big disconnections within a few months. Big theme was that my perceptions of external factors HAD to be missing internal factors and that *I* needed therapy. My years of education, experience, earned awareness, until recently at that point still having a clinical supervisor who I told "I feel like I'm using our supervision time too close to being personal therapy", and the supervisor having no qualms, only validating me and feeling we were doing good work – and frankly, as I mostly got from supervisors, only positive words about how they saw my work, awareness, ethics, caring, etc…
Point to this section being; Unfortunately, I did feel like reaching out to family ended up being more hurt/difficulty than if I'd just not.
But, so now we're finally into earlier this year. A single problematic supervisor not wanting to sign off, so re-did hours, but finally finishing my practice hours, so I can finally ditch the old intro license and finally get the FINAL, "independent" license. Now this feels like small fries, but had a big battle with the state, almost reaching me seeking a lawyer. They wanted forms not appropriate for my situation, requiring me to go back to old supervisors for MORE signatures. Anyways, ended up doing it, thankfully supervisors were mostly on my side (except that 1. wait, no, another one, different one that didn't pay me). Anyways, whole thing, but it mashes together with my last job's office moving. I'm not down, and with the license finally seeming to be moving, I take the chance to leave this job to go back to starting a business, but now my own therapy private practice.
AGAIN, SO much more I could hit. So many details, but WHOLE big crazy sprint. I didn't hire anyone, and definitely ended up finding out why most businesses DO. And still, there is more I could do like getting licensed in other states, more marketing, and plenty more. But point being, YES, this last era is where I end up here with y'all.
IIRC, it started with the old supervisor and state licensing problems. I started naturally with the "passive suicidal ideation" as our damn medicalized industry needs to call things.
"Fuck my life", "I hate my life", etc.
SO many pieces affected things: All the hustle, learning and needing to quickly execute business, medical, insurance stuff, etc, etc…
The research seemed to point to methods of getting likely plenty clients. So I wasn't even worried/considering keeping clients from the job I left. But people did want to stick with me. Some had been with me through a couple jobs/years – all I've been able to feel/do is honor the hell out of that. So as I left that job and got started with everything, I started giving those that wanted to stick with me my time pro-bono, again, simply due to respect of wanting to stick with me, any feeling that I'd helped or desire to continue for whatever reason… So again, plenty reason to be sprinting since before I left that job, even.
So the savings I'd been feverishly putting away since encountering the crappy industry, just start leaking away. Basically, I quickly encounter new empathy for the business owners I'd encountered always worried about numbers.
That therapist that changed my life: In that work - it was WORK to work around my difficulties 'taking' or 'asking for'. So through the traumatic jobs in this industry, I'd pushed to reach out to people for help, to talk, etc. The big stuff with the state, leading into the end of the job, beginning of private practice – I mainly ended up reaching out to family here. Dad was least busy, most able to take calls. But more long stories short: Dude couldn't help but try to listen, only to end up invalidating, disbelieving… Whatever it took to end up hurting me to the point of a handful of big disconnections within a few months. Big theme was that my perceptions of external factors HAD to be missing internal factors and that *I* needed therapy. My years of education, experience, earned awareness, until recently at that point still having a clinical supervisor who I told "I feel like I'm using our supervision time too close to being personal therapy", and the supervisor having no qualms, only validating me and feeling we were doing good work – and frankly, as I mostly got from supervisors, only positive words about how they saw my work, awareness, ethics, caring, etc…
Point to this section being; Unfortunately, I did feel like reaching out to family ended up being more hurt/difficulty than if I'd just not.
Now, my thoughts, as said began very "passive". The old school, FML, not wanting to be here, etc. I've always hated the word suicide; I wanted to simply not exist. If I could have just never existed and thus no worries about hurting anyone or anything, better. But even just looking back at the past few months, it's difficult to recall the exact path and timing of it. Mainly starting with the big adversity with the state. Well tying into the whole experience of the field/industry. Then tying into straight up financials…
I've been all through it. I internally gave up on the private practice, "I was wrong. Don't NEED to be right. Clearly I should have stuck with that last job". I'm looking at jobs on Indeed, reading horror story review after horror story review. Ok… Maybe not. Maybe the meager income I at least started can do me if I just move. Go the RV route, move out of the country… I looked at and considered so many options in life. What to do. I even gave up my blocking of my Dad, since my Sis let me know, basically he'd rather give me money than have me want to CTB. I didn't want to, but felt silly "not taking his hand", if I was to choose death instead. I got into feeling like I had to "try my hardest" or at least "prove I tried my hardest". And here's the reason I hesitated even posting in here. Because everything for me was realistic, emotional, event based. Yes, I've been an anti-capitalist for years, after simply learning more. And thus, plenty of reasons to have been unhappy with, scared of, etc. the world.
But I think it was after hitting basically full anhedonia that things changed for me.
I ended up with a little drawing and model. Simple. Just a drawing of a person, surrounded by ever wider circles.
The person if of course the self. Everything: Brain, body, spirit/soul.
How is one's physical health? Psychological, experiential, etc...
And whatever the fuck one thinks/believes or just wants around that third one.
From there, the circles can be things like family, friends, etc. Can extend to city, state, country. For me at least, one circle has to extend to being Capitalism. And we keep going until Humanity, Animal Life and best I can think of, finally, Universe/Dimension/Reality, Physics, Math.
Again, I personally have been out in the capitalism circle/bubble a lot for years. Thankfully - though plenty not perfect, I was not super in pain or discomfort in the more inner areas. Yeah, COVID killed plenty relationships and I focused on "work" for years, with that damn independent license as the real ONLY goal. But I was able to love myself, trying to give it to others. I was able to be on that side for many years.
Yes I went down a long depression slide for much of this year. If anything, there was able to be some sorta relief in dropping into anhedonia. But I did also end up in the more outer bubbles of my image/model. I could go off, but problems with being a human, with humanity overall, with simply being an animal, a living being, problems with the reality of the universe and everything as tied down to the basics of math and physics…
I had pushed back plenty. What I'm now finding the annoying "intent, plan, means". I was trying to push back internally. I'd considered for a long time that basically anyone not in a secure holding cell could technically have/find means (my beliefs around this, as with so much in this whole are have changed). Intent, haha, again, as I now feel I have such better insight into, but I used to feel it mainly could go up and down. Ending with a focus on planning. Active planning feeling like a bigger bridge to cross. And indeed, for myself, I tried real hard to avoid even thinking of any details.
I've been all through it. I internally gave up on the private practice, "I was wrong. Don't NEED to be right. Clearly I should have stuck with that last job". I'm looking at jobs on Indeed, reading horror story review after horror story review. Ok… Maybe not. Maybe the meager income I at least started can do me if I just move. Go the RV route, move out of the country… I looked at and considered so many options in life. What to do. I even gave up my blocking of my Dad, since my Sis let me know, basically he'd rather give me money than have me want to CTB. I didn't want to, but felt silly "not taking his hand", if I was to choose death instead. I got into feeling like I had to "try my hardest" or at least "prove I tried my hardest". And here's the reason I hesitated even posting in here. Because everything for me was realistic, emotional, event based. Yes, I've been an anti-capitalist for years, after simply learning more. And thus, plenty of reasons to have been unhappy with, scared of, etc. the world.
But I think it was after hitting basically full anhedonia that things changed for me.
I ended up with a little drawing and model. Simple. Just a drawing of a person, surrounded by ever wider circles.
The person if of course the self. Everything: Brain, body, spirit/soul.
How is one's physical health? Psychological, experiential, etc...
And whatever the fuck one thinks/believes or just wants around that third one.
From there, the circles can be things like family, friends, etc. Can extend to city, state, country. For me at least, one circle has to extend to being Capitalism. And we keep going until Humanity, Animal Life and best I can think of, finally, Universe/Dimension/Reality, Physics, Math.
Again, I personally have been out in the capitalism circle/bubble a lot for years. Thankfully - though plenty not perfect, I was not super in pain or discomfort in the more inner areas. Yeah, COVID killed plenty relationships and I focused on "work" for years, with that damn independent license as the real ONLY goal. But I was able to love myself, trying to give it to others. I was able to be on that side for many years.
Yes I went down a long depression slide for much of this year. If anything, there was able to be some sorta relief in dropping into anhedonia. But I did also end up in the more outer bubbles of my image/model. I could go off, but problems with being a human, with humanity overall, with simply being an animal, a living being, problems with the reality of the universe and everything as tied down to the basics of math and physics…
I had pushed back plenty. What I'm now finding the annoying "intent, plan, means". I was trying to push back internally. I'd considered for a long time that basically anyone not in a secure holding cell could technically have/find means (my beliefs around this, as with so much in this whole are have changed). Intent, haha, again, as I now feel I have such better insight into, but I used to feel it mainly could go up and down. Ending with a focus on planning. Active planning feeling like a bigger bridge to cross. And indeed, for myself, I tried real hard to avoid even thinking of any details.
Don't recall when things changed, but they did. As with anything, for plenty of reasons, but I eventually needed to start considering. Couple other stops, but I end up here. More long story short: Both my early life experience with my Grandma's CTB and my own recent experiences, together with the whole therapist history, so much about this community spoke to me. The right to die vs. societies fanatical, ultimately hurtful obsession with being pro-life ONLY. Antinatalism, "Since human beings do not have the power to act at the time of their birth, no one should have authority over a person's decision to continue living or to die". The ability, potentially, to be able to choose from a place of stability, "mental competence", not needing to feel impulsive… That kinda stuff…
Ironically, learning about antinatalism (giving validity to something I remember yelling at my Dad as a kid about "not having chosen to be here") is part of what helped me be ok with taking his money, simply to extend things for now, while I plan, consider, and at the very least give enough time to figure out how to get clients away from me, have enough time away, and hopefully no news about me or anything.
I may have got to a "coping" place, but I've mostly gotten to feeling like I lived my life. I got to be dumb, young, party. Friends, sex, relationships. School, labor. Hopefully actually have helped, again, even a single person… "I done had and I done lost, and I done had again".
Back to the animal sphere: Watching my dogs. Thinking about us and other animals. Reading about how we are essentially the only ones with the brains to be able to CTB. Plenty animals simply couldn't do it or fathom it. Hell, fuck it, guess it gets to my method. Plenty scary, but I'm trying to consider that a self shot, potentially instantly over can in a way be more privilege than plenty past rulers had access to. Even now, though I considered and looked into N and SN. While I'd love them for reasons, tough to get so I'm trying to lean into the reasons a single trigger pull can still be considered a powerful choice. Certainly brave. And choosing to get off the ride when I'M READY rather than having to wait, especially when I don't want anything more.
Even allowing myself to imagine having any and everything I can think of. All the stuff people usually want or appreciate. I don't want any of it. All I ever wanted was safety/security. I kinda was able to experience that, though the simple act of being a living being, constantly needing to secure nutrients kinda makes it feel like safety/security are eternal fights. Eat, drink, sleep… FIGHT. Always needing to fight… Feels to me like reaching an end, a place of not needing to fight anymore. That I DID IT. I've done plenty…
Truly wish this time's basically global society wasn't so dead set on everything about death being negative. Because of my own lifelong practice of it, even when beginning to learn about and embrace a right to die, agreeing that one should be over a certain age, maybe have gone to see one or more of us therapists… But this then feels like what has led us here. And the thought of "why do we need to stop/control ANYONE" can feel just as valid… Curse of the therapist: I can see both sides. But letting us be free. Not in pain, fear, or the difficulties in simply getting to CTB. I only have been feeling like my eyes have been opened. Like I now can't NOT see.
Been planning when and how to deal with responsibilities like family and clients. Biggest priorities are these groups of people and simply not failing if/when I get to a final choice. Have tried plenty of talking with family who simply can't. And just want to hurry and get clients to start moving towards someone new, though avoiding these folks finding out/ending up hurt is certainly one of the big things keeping me still WORKING...
Ironically, learning about antinatalism (giving validity to something I remember yelling at my Dad as a kid about "not having chosen to be here") is part of what helped me be ok with taking his money, simply to extend things for now, while I plan, consider, and at the very least give enough time to figure out how to get clients away from me, have enough time away, and hopefully no news about me or anything.
I may have got to a "coping" place, but I've mostly gotten to feeling like I lived my life. I got to be dumb, young, party. Friends, sex, relationships. School, labor. Hopefully actually have helped, again, even a single person… "I done had and I done lost, and I done had again".
Back to the animal sphere: Watching my dogs. Thinking about us and other animals. Reading about how we are essentially the only ones with the brains to be able to CTB. Plenty animals simply couldn't do it or fathom it. Hell, fuck it, guess it gets to my method. Plenty scary, but I'm trying to consider that a self shot, potentially instantly over can in a way be more privilege than plenty past rulers had access to. Even now, though I considered and looked into N and SN. While I'd love them for reasons, tough to get so I'm trying to lean into the reasons a single trigger pull can still be considered a powerful choice. Certainly brave. And choosing to get off the ride when I'M READY rather than having to wait, especially when I don't want anything more.
Even allowing myself to imagine having any and everything I can think of. All the stuff people usually want or appreciate. I don't want any of it. All I ever wanted was safety/security. I kinda was able to experience that, though the simple act of being a living being, constantly needing to secure nutrients kinda makes it feel like safety/security are eternal fights. Eat, drink, sleep… FIGHT. Always needing to fight… Feels to me like reaching an end, a place of not needing to fight anymore. That I DID IT. I've done plenty…
Truly wish this time's basically global society wasn't so dead set on everything about death being negative. Because of my own lifelong practice of it, even when beginning to learn about and embrace a right to die, agreeing that one should be over a certain age, maybe have gone to see one or more of us therapists… But this then feels like what has led us here. And the thought of "why do we need to stop/control ANYONE" can feel just as valid… Curse of the therapist: I can see both sides. But letting us be free. Not in pain, fear, or the difficulties in simply getting to CTB. I only have been feeling like my eyes have been opened. Like I now can't NOT see.
Been planning when and how to deal with responsibilities like family and clients. Biggest priorities are these groups of people and simply not failing if/when I get to a final choice. Have tried plenty of talking with family who simply can't. And just want to hurry and get clients to start moving towards someone new, though avoiding these folks finding out/ending up hurt is certainly one of the big things keeping me still WORKING...
