burninghill
Student
- Dec 2, 2025
- 188
I thought I was getting back on my feet last week when I finally got the drive to finish my uni projects, not because I'm necessarily motivated or inspired, just because I know I need to do them and I was suddenly feeling less shit than usual.
My rat died the weekend I started feeling better and, it sounds kind of silly but it just threw me off in such a way that's caused a massive spike in my anxiety. I mean, I had only felt better for a couple days so I guess the way I was feeling was bound to be quite fragile. I feel like I can't do anything without feeling depressed or scared, the pit in my chest just feels like it's come right back. I get into these anxious cycles where, for example, if I close a window I have to go in circles. I take a photo to ensure myself it's closed, I get in bed, get antsy and check it again. This can go for upwards of 15 minutes, sometimes 30 depending on the task.
I'm not necessarily sad that I lost a pet, though that is a factor, I think just the emotional energy it took from me was the energy I was using to keep myself stable, if that makes sense.
The worst part is, I don't even feel suicidal. Not actively anyway. I'm always suicidal but I'm not always wanting to go out and do it. I wish I had the need to CTB so I could just get it over with.
My rat died the weekend I started feeling better and, it sounds kind of silly but it just threw me off in such a way that's caused a massive spike in my anxiety. I mean, I had only felt better for a couple days so I guess the way I was feeling was bound to be quite fragile. I feel like I can't do anything without feeling depressed or scared, the pit in my chest just feels like it's come right back. I get into these anxious cycles where, for example, if I close a window I have to go in circles. I take a photo to ensure myself it's closed, I get in bed, get antsy and check it again. This can go for upwards of 15 minutes, sometimes 30 depending on the task.
I'm not necessarily sad that I lost a pet, though that is a factor, I think just the emotional energy it took from me was the energy I was using to keep myself stable, if that makes sense.
The worst part is, I don't even feel suicidal. Not actively anyway. I'm always suicidal but I'm not always wanting to go out and do it. I wish I had the need to CTB so I could just get it over with.
