Venting here's the plan

[february in alaska]

(Jotting this down for my own reference when I decide to do it and also in case anyone notices any glaring flaws they'd like to point out lmao, I appreciate it)

The plan right now is to hang. I already got the materials, I just need to practice the knots and the logistics of it until I'm confident. When it's time, I take my bag and hop on a bus for two hours and wander into the nearby forest trails, find a deep spot where nobody will find me for a bit, find a good sturdy tree with strong limbs tall enough for me to stand on top of, and get everything set up. In an ideal world, I put the rope over my neck and jump from the branch and my neck snaps as quickly as possible, but I get that I'm probably going to have to suffer for a few minutes if that doesn't end up working out. I'd still be high enough that SI wouldn't do much, though.

I don't know if a slipknot or a hangman knot would be better, I'm thinking about doing both just for the extra assurance and jumping with both prepared. I'm also planning on bringing smokes, alcohol, edibles, etc whatever to help combat the fear/SI. I'll bring a box with me that has my notes and ID stuff inside it, put on a blindfold, mittens, headphones, and maybe even duct tape my mouth shut. Not to get too gross, but I was thinking of getting one of those old people diapers as well because I figure I might as well have a last meal, and I just want to make it as clean as possible for whichever poor sap ends up finding me. The plan is to schedule an email to authorities beforehand so it isn't just an unsuspecting hiker, but that comes with its own risks if something goes wrong or I pussy out last minute.

Above all I just need to make sure it works and that nobody I know finds my body/has to do an identification on me later on. I think finding a tree that will be big enough and strong enough is probably going to be the hardest part of this whole thing.

Hanging isn't my preferred method, I know it comes with serious risks if it ends up failing and it isn't necessarily going to be quick and painless. One of my close friends also used this method to CTB when I was in high school, and I can't decide if it's fitting or sick to use the same thing on myself. But if my family wants to see me one last time, I don't want them to have to look at anything super horrific and traumatizing, and other methods are just too expensive.

Part of me wants to get it over with as soon as possible, but there's still some shit I need to take care of before heading out, and I need to know what I'm doing. If I fuck any of this up and end up alive I'm going to be in a much worse place with far less opportunity to try again. I'm hoping to wrap it all up within half a year, give or take.


Edit: finding it more hilarious than I probably should that I'm literally going to be catching a bus during this whole shitshow

 

[whywhywhy]

Probably the kindest CTB plan Ive seen. Would be cool to know what took you to decide to CTB if you dont care, its a shame good people have to deal with this situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, I find it cruel how people even have to resort to methods like hanging in the first place and cannot just leave in a peaceful and guaranteed way.

 

[february in alaska]

Probably the kindest CTB plan Ive seen. Would be cool to know what took you to decide to CTB if you dont care, its a shame good people have to deal with this situation.

I definitely wouldn't necessarily call myself a good person, but it is somewhat relieving to hear you call this plan kind, thank you. At the end I'd like to do as little damage as possible and hopefully maybe even do some good.

I wish I had a good answer as to how I got to this point! I guess the obvious answer is mental illness. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, the rounds. My life hasn't been particularly harder than anyone else's, so I don't really have a good reason or sob story. Mostly, the idea of being alive for another fifty or sixty years and going through the motions in this soulless capitalist hell isn't super appealing. I don't have any friends to speak of, no success in mind for the future, no plans, no motivations.

I've honestly been NPC-ing my way through life up to this point and I'm not much more than an emotional and financial burden on my family. I'm tired and I really only see things getting worse from here, so I figure it's better to drop out while people might still remember me fondly.

 

[avaruus]

Hangman's knot is usually not recommended, sounds good otherwise! As someone already pointed, you seem like a kind soul.

 

[whywhywhy]

I definitely wouldn't necessarily call myself a good person, but it is somewhat relieving to hear you call this plan kind, thank you. At the end I'd like to do as little damage as possible and hopefully maybe even do some good.

I wish I had a good answer as to how I got to this point! I guess the obvious answer is mental illness. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, the rounds. My life hasn't been particularly harder than anyone else's, so I don't really have a good reason or sob story. Mostly, the idea of being alive for another fifty or sixty years and going through the motions in this soulless capitalist hell isn't super appealing. I don't have any friends to speak of, no success in mind for the future, no plans, no motivations.

I've honestly been NPC-ing my way through life up to this point and I'm not much more than an emotional and financial burden on my family. I'm tired and I really only see things getting worse from here, so I figure it's better to drop out while people might still remember me fondly.

Well I dont think good people consider themselves good people and I obviously dont know you but your self reflection makes makes you in my eyes at least better than 90% of people that go through life with a layer of ego.

I also think you and I are surprisingly similar at least regarding lack of motivation, friends and things getting worse. The main difference only would be I have some ties that need to be broken on their own before I CTB.

 

[february in alaska]

I wish you the best with your plans, I find it cruel how people even have to resort to methods like hanging in the first place and cannot just leave in a peaceful and guaranteed way.

Thank you! And I totally agree. Everything would be so much easier if a painless method was free, legal, and available for anyone who wanted it. Instead they play 'savior' and force people to turn to painful, terrifying, and lonely alternatives.

Then again, if we lived in a world that gave people options and actually cared enough to help people past keeping them alive, it might've actually been a world I would've wanted to stay in, lmao

Well I dont think good people consider themselves good people and I obviously dont know you but your self reflection makes makes you in my eyes at least better than 90% of people that go through life with a layer of ego.

I also think you and I are surprisingly similar at least regarding lack of motivation, friends and things getting worse. The main difference only would be I have some ties that need to be broken on their own before I CTB.

Yeah, I definitely get that. At some point just 'waking up in the morning' becomes it's own kind of nightmare. For what it's worth, kudos to you for thinking about those ties and planning on waiting until they're gone. This shit is hard enough as it is, but I hope you end up finding whatever peace you're looking for.

Hangman's knot is usually not recommended, sounds good otherwise! As someone already pointed, you seem like a kind soul.

Appreciate it! And thank you. I've heard various things about the two knots, depending on whether it's a full or partial hanging? I think I'll have to do more research either way :')