Here I Am

[of_ghosts]

Today is bad. The last few days have been bad. No hope left. But I'm too much of a coward to do anything. I don't want messy. Clean and efficient. I want to fall asleep and not wake up. I'm not looking to score points for originality. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. If I had the energy I'd read through the posts here... but I'm so lethargic. So little desire. I barely want to move. I'm better in the mornings. But after about four hours I start to crash. The depression comes. Always. And with that comes hopelessness. Always. I've tried everything. Medicine, therapy, TMS... nothing works. There's no one to talk to about any of this, not without ending up in a hospital. I'm selfish for even thinking about it. For even feeling depressed. If only they knew the torture. But who am I kidding, they still wouldn't care. So I stay quiet and wait for it to pass. It doesn't. Or if it does it comes back. Like clockwork. I live alone. Well, I have a dog. She's 14 years old. When she's gone I won't have any reason to stick around. I'm a writer. Not a very good one. I'm working on a graphic novel. I can't draw very well but I'm trying. It's all that I have. But I don't think it's enough anymore. Writing takes concentration. Energy. Drive. Not like what I'm writing here. This is unedited slop. Poor me shit. And if I can write it's just a temporary distraction. It doesn't get me very far. I'm 48 years old. For a long time, I believed it would someday get better, the older I got. But here I am. The worst of it. Here I am. Not sure I can take much more. Pathetic but I've tried, I truly have. But here I am.

 

[Foxes]

Right there with you. Welcome.

You aren't selfish. Your emotions are valid. Depression is one hell of a beast to contend with, especially when you've tried several different therapies to feel better, only to come up empty-handed. It's especially hard when you feel alone in the journey, or afraid to speak the truth because people will try to project their bullshit positivity onto you. Well-intentioned, I'm sure, but it doesn't make it any less annoying to deal with or hear.

Opening up about your feelings in a safe space like this forum is a big thing. Hopefully you find some answers, some clarity, and some peace of mind in knowing that we're all here feeling like shit right alongside you on this hard, often excruciatingly painful journey known as 'life'. I'm 41 and I can tell you right now after trying several methods to try to "get better" for the sake of everyone else around me that I'm pretty damned tired and done trying to deal with it all too. It's not how I had hoped my life would turn out, but it is what it is.

 

[FuneralCry]

Wanting to die could never be selfish, the fact is that existing certainly can be so torturous and tiring so it's completely understandable just wanting to never wake again. But anyway, best wishes.