Help Help. Am I wrong/crazy? Honest answers only

[katara]

So lately I haven't been feeling well I ate some hummus or something and then started throwing up, food poisoning I guess, and I've been feeling weak so it's been hard to walk around. I started having symptoms of something u haven't had in years, depersonalization. So today my mom said something like "I want u to go to the eye doctor bc I care about you". I said, no you don't know. She pretended to not hear me and then said yes I do I bought you sage. I don't even understand what that means bc she's not religious and I'm not either. I wanted to ask the forum if it's me, if I'm the crazy one, I don't think my mom does care. I have heard her before say she's scared of being put in a nursing home and I think that's why she wants me around. Anyways, after my dad died and she moved us here with her boyfriend, I never finished high school and never really left home except a few times, like once I needed to get my wisdom teeth taken out. But it's been years. So started from 15 to now I'm in my 20s I barely ever leave the house. Years ago I used to drive around the neighborhood on bike and my mom started locking me out of the house knowing I didn't have a key. Then when I left one day because I wanted to be away from her for literally just one day, she called the police on me. I was scared and freaking out because I thought maybe I did something illegal and was really scared. Anyways going back to current day, I just want to understand what is fgoing on here. If I'm the wrong one, why does she not let me just leave? She doesn't care that I have no work experience, no high school diploma, no friends, I live in a boomer area, there's no way to get help here. When I was younger I used to leave the house when she was at work and I'd also walk home from the school bus. Now we live in an area where there's not a close bus nearby, but still, it's just weird to me that she acts strange after we moved here.
I never had a strong relationship with her, but I fear she wants me to be here forever and die here… like I'm trapped in a video game and on the same level. Everyday repeats as it's been for years. I thought about making vlogs about my situation and self doxing bc I don't care if some people came here and killed me. I hate where I live, but I wish I at least had a chance to be happy. So I thought maybe I'd be able to find someone, idk. But if I can't, that's fine I guess. I just want advice on what to do.
I've thought a lot about sailing away bc I live in the south, and when I say south I mean the boomer area. I don't have money for a boat or anything so idk if I could learn how to Hotwire one. I'm willing to try. But I just want someone to explain to me what's happening. I feel like I'm missing something.
For context I've also bought sn years ago on Amazon bc you guys always talk about it, but my mom sent it back and told me to not buy that again. She said she looked up what it was and said it wasn't good. I'm pretty sure she saw what it's used for because she said I wasn't allowed to buy it again and that she wasn't sure if I was using it for food or something else.


Sorry if this was written poorly I've been declining a bit recently and I feel it. I've thought about using the very little cash I have and buying a bike, and leaving on a random day. I'd be homeless for a while, idk where I'd go. I just hate that this is my life, nobody should have to live this way. I could've been someone. Now I wish for everyone in my state to die. I wish there were school shootings everyday. I hate everyone here and I don't care if they get robbed, or shot. Living here has been hell. I often think to myself there's no way it gets worse than this. No way death can be worse than continuing on like this. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I have been on and off, I just hate my life, I hate that I never got a chance to be normal, buy a house, have a roommate, vacation, travel.
What would you do in my situation? My dad and grandma are dead so I have no other help in my family after they left me. I've tried searching on here and messaging people on the partners thread who weren't serious.
I just don't know anymore

 

[PI3.14]

Sorry you're going through this Katara.

Your situation resembles mine in many ways, so I understand a lot of your pain.

There is a part I didn't understand, is your mom not allowing you to move away from her or did you mean that she doesn't want you to leave as in u committing suicide?

Now, regarding your other thoughts, a person who has been through so much trauma in life, and lost so much, is destined to be unstable emotionally and also mentally.

You see how you're jumping from one possible "direction" to another? Your brain is throwing at you whatever it can to preserve your life, or this is how I see it.

Regarding your hatred and wishing harms for others, I understand it. You want people to feel the same pain you feel, perhaps because that will make things more fair?

You're not crazy, you're deeply hurt and traumatized by your experience in life.

 

[katara]

Sorry you're going through this Katara.

Your situation resembles mine in many ways, so I understand a lot of your pain.

There is a part I didn't understand, is your mom not allowing you to move away from her or did you mean that she doesn't want you to leave as in u committing suicide?

Now, regarding your other thoughts, a person who has been through so much trauma in life, and lost so much, is destined to be unstable emotionally and also mentally.

You see how you're jumping from one possible "direction" to another? Your brain is throwing at you whatever it can to preserve your life, or this is how I see it.

Regarding your hatred and wishing harms for others, I understand it. You want people to feel the same pain you feel, perhaps because that will make things more fair?

You're not crazy, you're deeply hurt and traumatized by your experience in life.

So I'm unsure about the suicide thing. Like I said we've never been close. We don't really converse about these things but I did tell her years ago I didn't want to move here bc I wouldn't be able to get up in time for school. My mom tells me I have it good and lies and says I'm smart and just "not trying". When I was younger a teacher of mine pointed out I had an issue with finishing assignments, I never got help for that. I'm not smart that's the thing, if I was I would've gotten away from her years ago, I can't leave bc I'll die and I guess she's aware of that. She doesn't do anything to make my life here pleasant. If I ever complained she'd say I'm spoiled or that other parents wouldn't help their kids or give them as much as she's given me. I just don't understand that, like I guess she means food and a place to live and she bought me an iPad years ago. I just don't understand how all of that has anything to do with me dropping out of society and her response is nothing. She has said before she expects me to take care of her when she's older. How would I be able to do that with no house, no car, no money, and no ability to do anything anymore. It makes no sense to me, like I guess she doesn't see how bad things are and if I express myself in any way she threatens to call the police on me. So if I tried dying she'll call the police, so my only options are to stay here and watch YouTube videos all day and never leave. I don't understand how she expects me to be happy with that. I think she wants me around to take care of her when she's old so I guess she expects me to always live here with her? I don't know. I honestly feel so betrayed. Like nobody listens to me. I don't want to be around her but she's all I have.

 

[derpyderpins]

Sorry you're stuck in this state.

Your main question was what would people do in your situation. Honestly, what stood out the most to me is what you said at the beginning, vomitting and depersonalization. That with your mom saying something about your eyes (I'm guessing nystagmus?) you may be very dehydrated. This might sound like I'm avoiding your bigger issues, but that is no joke and you have to get your brain working right. No way to say if you're crazy or not in that state, and it's not the time to make big decisions.

To talk a bit about the other stuff. e* hit reply instead of quote I'm feeling lightheaded too.

 

[katara]

Sorry you're stuck in this state.

Your main question was what would people do in your situation. Honestly, what stood out the most to me is what you said at the beginning, vomitting and depersonalization. That with your mom saying something about your eyes (I'm guessing nystagmus?) you may be very dehydrated. This might sound like I'm avoiding your bigger issues, but that is no joke and you have to get your brain working right. No way to say if you're crazy or not in that state, and it's not the time to make big decisions.

To talk a bit about the other stuff. e* hit reply instead of quote I'm feeling lightheaded too.

Ya it's really bad I only ever had depersonalization or derealization after taking cbd. Now after getting sick I'm like half awake or something, I don't know. I feel like in some ways I just woke up from a lie I've been living. I had forgotten how long I've been this way. Unable to work, unable to really… do anything. I have eating so it's ok I'm not dehydrated. My head just feels really different. I don't know who I can trust anymore. Idk why but getting sick made me realize that. In my lowest moments I'm all alone. And I don't know where I can ask for help because nobody online is in my position or is willing to help me

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't think my mom does care. I have heard her before say she's scared of being put in a nursing home and I think that's why she wants me around. Anyways, after my dad died and she moved us here with her boyfriend, I never finished high school and never really left home except a few times, like once I needed to get my wisdom teeth taken out. But it's been years. So started from 15 to now I'm in my 20s I barely ever leave the house. Years ago I used to drive around the neighborhood on bike and my mom started locking me out of the house knowing I didn't have a key. Then when I left one day because I wanted to be away from her for literally just one day, she called the police on me. I was scared and freaking out because I thought maybe I did something illegal and was really scared. Anyways going back to current day, I just want to understand what is fgoing on here. If I'm the wrong one, why does she not let me just leave?

Listen: she cares. That doesn't mean she's caring in a healthy or productive way. In fact, caring in an unhealthy way might be an issue here.

Speaking of "crazy," Holden Caulfield tells us "Mothers are all slightly insane." That's a threshold. Many are more than slightly, again with good and bad components.

I never had a strong relationship with her, but I fear she wants me to be here forever and die here… like I'm trapped in a video game and on the same level. Everyday repeats as it's been for years. I thought about making vlogs about my situation and self doxing bc I don't care if some people came here and killed me. I hate where I live, but I wish I at least had a chance to be happy. So I thought maybe I'd be able to find someone, idk. But if I can't, that's fine I guess. I just want advice on what to do.
I've thought a lot about sailing away bc I live in the south, and when I say south I mean the boomer area. I don't have money for a boat or anything so idk if I could learn how to Hotwire one. I'm willing to try. But I just want someone to explain to me what's happening. I feel like I'm missing something.
For context I've also bought sn years ago on Amazon bc you guys always talk about it, but my mom sent it back and told me to not buy that again. She said she looked up what it was and said it wasn't good. I'm pretty sure she saw what it's used for because she said I wasn't allowed to buy it again and that she wasn't sure if I was using it for food or something else.

The South is also the family area, at least of America. Helps explain her holding onto the relationship.

Sorry if this was written poorly I've been declining a bit recently and I feel it.

No worries at all for this kind of stuff here.

I've thought about using the very little cash I have and buying a bike, and leaving on a random day. I'd be homeless for a while, idk where I'd go. I just hate that this is my life, nobody should have to live this way. I could've been someone.

What it means to be "someone" is changing a lot, or at least will need to change. In your 20s odds are you can still do whatever it ends up being. What I mean is that it won't be about being top of some career ladder.

Now I wish for everyone in my state to die. I wish there were school shootings everyday. I hate everyone here and I don't care if they get robbed, or shot. Living here has been hell. I often think to myself there's no way it gets worse than this. No way death can be worse than continuing on like this. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I have been on and off, I just hate my life, I hate that I never got a chance to be normal, buy a house, have a roommate, vacation, travel.
What would you do in my situation? My dad and grandma are dead so I have no other help in my family after they left me. I've tried searching on here and messaging people on the partners thread who weren't serious.
I just don't know anymore

I feel this anger, and I know it's a vent so I'm not going to lecture you about saying it. There's a lot to unpack, though. Psychoanalysis can be annoying when you're agitated, but it's also when you get some real insight into why you're feeling the way you do. If death is better than this life, and you hate them, wishing them death is contradictory, no? I know that stuff isn't really supposed to make sense, but at least for me thinking through those types of statements helps a bit.

Losing your family members must be tough. I'm so sorry for that loss.

Ya it's really bad I only ever had depersonalization or derealization after taking cbd. Now after getting sick I'm like half awake or something, I don't know. I feel like in some ways I just woke up from a lie I've been living. I had forgotten how long I've been this way. Unable to work, unable to really… do anything. I have eating so it's ok I'm not dehydrated. My head just feels really different. I don't know who I can trust anymore. Idk why but getting sick made me realize that. In my lowest moments I'm all alone. And I don't know where I can ask for help because nobody online is in my position or is willing to help me

Well, not to be too much of a mom when your regular mom is already extra, but vomiting could lead to a deficiency that whatever you're eating isn't replenishing. Low potasium or iron or some random-ass thing can shut everything down even if you have everything else. The doctor isn't a bad idea if you haven't gotten levels checked in a while.

I may not be in your position, but I relate to a lot of this:

My mom tells me I have it good and lies and says I'm smart and just "not trying". When I was younger a teacher of mine pointed out I had an issue with finishing assignments, I never got help for that. I'm not smart that's the thing, if I was I would've gotten away from her years ago, I can't leave bc I'll die and I guess she's aware of that. She doesn't do anything to make my life here pleasant. If I ever complained she'd say I'm spoiled or that other parents wouldn't help their kids or give them as much as she's given me. I just don't understand that, like I guess she means food and a place to live and she bought me an iPad years ago. I just don't understand how all of that has anything to do with me dropping out of society and her response is nothing. She has said before she expects me to take care of her when she's older. How would I be able to do that with no house, no car, no money, and no ability to do anything anymore. It makes no sense to me, like I guess she doesn't see how bad things are and if I express myself in any way she threatens to call the police on me. So if I tried dying she'll call the police, so my only options are to stay here and watch YouTube videos all day and never leave. I don't understand how she expects me to be happy with that. I think she wants me around to take care of her when she's old so I guess she expects me to always live here with her? I don't know. I honestly feel so betrayed. Like nobody listens to me. I don't want to be around her but she's all I have.

So . . . Being "smart" and "not trying" is the story of my life. Not being able to finish assignments or stay on schedule still fucking plagues me into my 30s and this past year+ I've actually gotten some pretty good success in my career, but I'm late and slow to finish small assignments. I'm managing best I can, but it took a long time.

I never got help. Until I was an adult out on my own, now diagnosed with ADHD/MDD/OCD and almost certain autism. Turns out being smart didn't mean I didn't have issues. Meds help some, but the bigger thing was finally, finally, understanding how I work and why it's so different than the rest of the world and that it's not as simple as "me smarty but me lazy." Part of my never getting diagnosed was bottling up and hiding all issues so as not to cause a disturbance. I also have always dealt with feeling guilty for being privileged.

I may not understand completely, of course your issues are your own, but to me something I relate to so much doesn't seem "crazy." I can't explain why your mom is acting the way she is other than moms are kinda crazy and she's not acting rationally. She's probably scared, to be honest. Just like you and I don't know why she's being the way she is, she doesn't understand why you're acting how you are or how on earth to handle suicidal thoughts and buying sn. Just like I'd simply avoid talking about my problems growing up, she probably shuts down to avoid the conversation out of fear, but she doesn't want to lose you either.

Sorry if this wasn't super solution oriented. I think right now taking care of yourself and understanding the problem better from every angle is a fine goal.

 

[katara]

@derpyderpins ok sorry but it's really hard for me to read everything you wrote but what I was trying to say is my mom pretends everything is fine and doesn't actually care to address anything. She's also scared of being seen as a bad mom, she doesn't care about me, just about how people perceive her. I have a reading problem, always have. And for example, my mom would respond by telling me to read some stupid book by deepak chopra and I told her I can't and she says I should get my eyes checked but I told her I can see up close just not far away. She deliberately ignores me and just lives in a lala land pretending I'm fine which is weird. Not sure how it's normal to be in your 20s with no drivers license, no degree, no prospects, etc. Even disabled people have more of a life than me. Sorry if what I said before was confusing.

 

[derpyderpins]

@derpyderpins ok sorry but it's really hard for me to read everything you wrote but what I was trying to say is my mom pretends everything is fine and doesn't actually care to address anything. She's also scared of being seen as a bad mom, she doesn't care about me, just about how people perceive her. I have a reading problem, always have. And for example, my mom would respond by telling me to read some stupid book by deepak chopra and I told her I can't and she says I should get my eyes checked but I told her I can see up close just not far away. She deliberately ignores me and just lives in a lala land pretending I'm fine which is weird

. . .
Sorry if what I said before was confusing.

It's fine. Sorry if I misunderstood and that I write so much.

"She's also scared of being seen as a bad mom, she doesn't care about me, just about how people perceive her." Yeah, I feel that.

Not sure how it's normal to be in your 20s with no drivers license, no degree, no prospects, etc. Even disabled people have more of a life than me.

Your situation is growing increasingly common. That doesn't mean that nothing is wrong, but it means that you personally being irreparably defective is likely not the issue. Handing you a book isn't going to work, anyway. You need connection and to be actually heard. Even if what's in the book could be helpful the delivery is not.

 

[PI3.14]

So I'm unsure about the suicide thing. Like I said we've never been close. We don't really converse about these things but I did tell her years ago I didn't want to move here bc I wouldn't be able to get up in time for school. My mom tells me I have it good and lies and says I'm smart and just "not trying". When I was younger a teacher of mine pointed out I had an issue with finishing assignments, I never got help for that. I'm not smart that's the thing, if I was I would've gotten away from her years ago, I can't leave bc I'll die and I guess she's aware of that. She doesn't do anything to make my life here pleasant. If I ever complained she'd say I'm spoiled or that other parents wouldn't help their kids or give them as much as she's given me. I just don't understand that, like I guess she means food and a place to live and she bought me an iPad years ago. I just don't understand how all of that has anything to do with me dropping out of society and her response is nothing. She has said before she expects me to take care of her when she's older. How would I be able to do that with no house, no car, no money, and no ability to do anything anymore. It makes no sense to me, like I guess she doesn't see how bad things are and if I express myself in any way she threatens to call the police on me. So if I tried dying she'll call the police, so my only options are to stay here and watch YouTube videos all day and never leave. I don't understand how she expects me to be happy with that. I think she wants me around to take care of her when she's old so I guess she expects me to always live here with her? I don't know. I honestly feel so betrayed. Like nobody listens to me. I don't want to be around her but she's all I have.

Did your mom try to get you checked as a kid for ADHD or autism? Cus you might be dealing with them.

I never knew I had ADHD until I went to see a psychiatrist for my severe depression at age 22.

Like you I don't have a college degree despite trying for many times, nor do I have work experience despite being at this age. I do have a license that I only got this year actually at age 27.

If you're not neurotiypical, then things becomes more difficult for you than the normal individual. This could explain a lot of what you went through and are still going through.

Regarding what to do, it highly depends on your options plus your expectations. The lost years and experiences cannot be taken back unfortunately, which is something I struggle with accepting myself and perhaps it's my main reason for wanting to CTB.

You could work on getting a GED, if possible, and then venture into whatever options you have but only if you actually want to and only after seeing a professional to rule out the possibility of you being a neurodivergent.

 

[-Link-]

My mom tells me I have it good and lies and says I'm smart and just "not trying".

The comeback to this is, "I am trying."

Did you get out of bed at all today? For some people, if the answer is "yes", then that, for them, is "trying".

I've had people pull the "not trying" line on me before, and I shut them down by clarifying, "I am trying. I'm still alive. If I wasn't 'trying', I'd be dead."

Here, you're trying to understand your situation and trying to look for paths to something better for yourself, and you're doing this despite being bogged down by external barriers outside your control. That is "trying"!

And I don't know where I can ask for help because nobody online is in my position or is willing to help me

In looking at solutions, I'm not equipped or knowledgeable enough to offer much in the way of constructive advice.

I don't know what your circumstances are as far as accessibility of resources. But, your county should have (at a minimum) at least one community mental health centre that offers services, including free services or services on a sliding scale. Even if it's less than ideal in its quality of service, this centre may be in the best position to advise you as far as options and paths forward. Or maybe they could direct you to other accessible resources.

If you're open to the idea of reaching out, something I'd suggest is putting together a bullet-point list of what's going on -- a note for you to refer to while you're talking with someone: Your symptoms and how they're impacting your day-to-day functioning. Any relevant external factors (such as a mother who can't/won't understand you, a lack of social network to fall back on, lack of transportation, any financial barriers, etc.). Mention what you actually want (or you can say you don't know what you want, and maybe they could help you figure that out). Anything that would help them get an understanding of what you're dealing with and what options would be realistic for you.

If you're not ready to make that kind of contact with someone right now, it's OK. Just the fact that you're thinking about all of this means that you are indeed trying. And whether your goal is to "feel better", or your goal is to "reduce suffering", or your goal is to "just get through today", even the smallest of steps counts for something.

 

[fallingtopieces]

get started on obtaining a drivers license, pester your mom to give you lessons. a good mom would want to help her daughter learn to drive, of course. that will give you a little more freedom. have you thought of getting your GED? there may be free online classes available also.

 

[katara]

@PI3.14 thanks for saying this, I always like seeing you in the general chat because you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I don't think I'm at the point where a GED would make a difference. I'd still be stuck here all alone, and that's what I'm tired of. I have been through enough and if it was up to my mom I'll still be exactly the same as I am now until I'm 30, or 40 if that's when she dies. So I'll be a grown woman who lived almost her entire life in a fish bowl. I don't even want a license I want to be away from here. A license won't help, a GED won't help. Sometimes I feel like my mom blocks any way for me to leave here bc there was a broken part of our fence where I could walk over and explore near the forest and now she covered that even tho it looks ridiculous. Sometimes I just want someone to kill me. Even back at school I'd pray in my head for a school shooting to happen. I should've left home at 16 as soon as I could. But that's when I lost hope. I barely can take care of myself. The best way I could describe my mom is like a reverse Gypsy Rose situation. Or if you've ever heard of Eugenia Cooney, my mom is like hers. I could be in bed for a week straight and she'll say I'm doing good and everything is fine.
I know this because I've heard her on the phone with relatives I haven't spoken with in like 10 years and haven't seen since I was 11. I just find that so bizarre because I don't think regular parents do that unless they hate their kids right? Or maybe it's like that illness where in her mind she really just doesn't see it? Idk I'm more inclined to think she just doesn't care because maybe she thinks I'm not serious about dying. But then again, she wouldn't have sent the sn back. I don't know, it's all so confusing that's why I needed to vent. I'm still deciding what to do. I've had extreme brain fog recently. I'm worried my brain broke while I was sick.

 

[PI3.14]

I could be in bed for a week straight and she'll say I'm doing good and everything is fine.
I know this because I've heard her on the phone with relatives I haven't spoken with in like 10 years and haven't seen since I was 11. I just find that so bizarre because I don't think regular parents do that unless they hate their kids right? Or maybe it's like that illness where in her mind she really just doesn't see it? Idk I'm more inclined to think she just doesn't care because maybe she thinks I'm not serious about dying. But then again, she wouldn't have sent the sn back.

Sounds a bit like my mom too. In the case of my mom, she says such things to make things look less worse than they actually are. My mom fears that I'll commit suicide, and I guess saying that my life "isn't really bad" is basically her attempt to sway me away from taking my life.

It could be the case with your mom too. Perhaps she fears that admitting the reality of your situation will push you towards suicide.

I also think that, like you, my parents don't thing I'll take my life. They fear that it will happen, but perhaps they keep lying to themselves that it won't happen to make themselves feel better.

So it could also be that your mom is doing this as a cope mechanism, to counter her fear of you dying. Only an honest talk with her can give you a hint though.

 

[katara]

The comeback to this is, "I am trying."

Did you get out of bed at all today? For some people, if the answer is "yes", then that, for them, is "trying".

I've had people pull the "not trying" line on me before, and I shut them down by clarifying, "I am trying. I'm still alive. If I wasn't 'trying', I'd be dead."

Here, you're trying to understand your situation and trying to look for paths to something better for yourself, and you're doing this despite being bogged down by external barriers outside your control. That is "trying"!


In looking at solutions, I'm not equipped or knowledgeable enough to offer much in the way of constructive advice.

I don't know what your circumstances are as far as accessibility of resources. But, your county should have (at a minimum) at least one community mental health centre that offers services, including free services or services on a sliding scale. Even if it's less than ideal in its quality of service, this centre may be in the best position to advise you as far as options and paths forward. Or maybe they could direct you to other accessible resources.

If you're open to the idea of reaching out, something I'd suggest is putting together a bullet-point list of what's going on -- a note for you to refer to while you're talking with someone: Your symptoms and how they're impacting your day-to-day functioning. Any relevant external factors (such as a mother who can't/won't understand you, a lack of social network to fall back on, lack of transportation, any financial barriers, etc.). Mention what you actually want (or you can say you don't know what you want, and maybe they could help you figure that out). Anything that would help them get an understanding of what you're dealing with and what options would be realistic for you.

If you're not ready to make that kind of contact with someone right now, it's OK. Just the fact that you're thinking about all of this means that you are indeed trying. And whether your goal is to "feel better", or your goal is to "reduce suffering", or your goal is to "just get through today", even the smallest of steps counts for something.

Ya I've said that to her before, that I am trying. She'll say not hard enough or that I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me which makes no sense because she's the only person in my life.
My mom would be the worst mother for someone with any severe health issues because she'd just constantly say that things aren't bad or that your symptoms are scaring her. She says that to me whenever I'm not feeling good and staring off or being quiet. She has now adopted the phrase "giving me anxiety" something she's only started dealing with in her 50s. Any other time anything was going on, crickets. I'm just an after thought. I have never felt loved.
I have previously looked into services in my area. I had an idea of actually getting into Scientology so I could get away from my mom because Scientology makes people cut off family members who aren't in Scientology. But I think I need a passport to join because they make you travel a lot to different locations I think.