Hello & my story (seems trivial compared to others)

[dusty boots]

I've been seriously thinking of CTB lately over something that seems so trivial in the scheme of things but has had a huge impact on me. I've been so stressed and anxious.

So I've been in business with someone for over 10 years, have had our up and downs in the business and relationship. He has control of the company and I am a minority shareholder, so I have to tow the line so to speak.

Last year our relationship really broke down. Anytime we discussed the business we would disagree and criticise each other and end of making things worse. He stopped talking to me unless it was absolutely necessary and was going around me and delegating directly to the staff I manage rather than letting me manage what I am responsible for. His attitude to me was really horrible and I felt trapped in this nightmare, unable to leave because I would have to forfeit everything I've worked for over the years.

I discovered some accounting anomalies he had done for his benefit and he was giving me mis-information regarding a large sum of money that he had taken out of the business account. I saw a solicitor (lawyer) and got advice and ended up having a letter sent asking him to buy me out so I could exit.

Well it all blew up in my face. He phoned me and we had it out over the phone and I said things that escalated it and made it worse. He then thought I was going to sue him which wasn't my intentions. His lawyer's response threatened to sue me and that's when I became so stressed out and anxious as I realised I'd made a huge mistake.

We ended up agreeing to sell the business to end the dispute, but the fallout is that now he hates me and I wonder if he might find a reason to sue me in the future. I've realised that I should have just talked to him and tried to salvage the relationship rather than taking the legal step. I feel like such a horrible person for causing him so much stress and not being the better person.

On top of that, because he has control of the company he is reworking the accounts in retaliation to reduce the value of the company so I end up with much less money after the business is sold. I've probably cost myself $150,000 which is a hard pill to swallow and I can't afford to fight for my money. And I still have to go to work in the business each day and live a nightmare a million times worse than what I was trying to escape in the first place.

Being so stressed out has affected life at home with my family. I've been staying in bed a lot and disinterested in interacting with my wife and 2 children (10yr old son and 3 yr old daughter). At one point I said I need to go for a drive and left the house and drove around for a couple hours trying to find somewhere I could smash my car into to take my life. Luckily I didn't find one. My wife was texting me, worried about me, saying my family need me, worried about whether I would be coming home.

My wife has had enough of my depression and told me to pack my things and leave if I don't snap out of it, but it's so hard to be positive when I've screwed up so much. I'm not sleeping well - hard to get to sleep with all these thoughts and fears in my head with elevated heart rate and breathing. I always wake up in the early hours of the morning and can't get back to sleep because I can't escape my thoughts.

I've been reading threads on this site about methods to CTB and started thinking of a plan. I've spiralled down this mental hole so much that the emotional pain is unbearable and I've rationalised that my family would be better off without me because I will probably let them down financially and lose them anyway. It breaks my heart when my son tells me I'm the best daddy in the whole world (I'm not) and that he loves me 10 times as much as I love him. And my daughter is so cute and I would miss seeing them both grow up, but I just can't handle the pain right now. In hindsight life was annoying but peaceful before all this trouble and now I'm suicidal! I had dreams of what I would do after leaving the business and now it's all in tatters and the only future I see is misery.

I've seen my doctor (GP) and been in tears telling her about my feelings. Answered no when questioned if I had suicidal thoughts as I didn't want to be put in hospital. She prescribed me an anti-depressant (Lexapro) but I haven't taken them I as I don't want the side effects.

Sorry for the long vent. My story seems pathetic compared to what others on here are going through or have been through in their lives.

 

[Amossoma543]

I've been seriously thinking of CTB lately over something that seems so trivial in the scheme of things but has had a huge impact on me. I've been so stressed and anxious.

So I've been in business with someone for over 10 years, have had our up and downs in the business and relationship. He has control of the company and I am a minority shareholder, so I have to tow the line so to speak.

Last year our relationship really broke down. Anytime we discussed the business we would disagree and criticise each other and end of making things worse. He stopped talking to me unless it was absolutely necessary and was going around me and delegating directly to the staff I manage rather than letting me manage what I am responsible for. His attitude to me was really horrible and I felt trapped in this nightmare, unable to leave because I would have to forfeit everything I've worked for over the years.

I discovered some accounting anomalies he had done for his benefit and he was giving me mis-information regarding a large sum of money that he had taken out of the business account. I saw a solicitor (lawyer) and got advice and ended up having a letter sent asking him to buy me out so I could exit.

Well it all blew up in my face. He phoned me and we had it out over the phone and I said things that escalated it and made it worse. He then thought I was going to sue him which wasn't my intentions. His lawyer's response threatened to sue me and that's when I became so stressed out and anxious as I realised I'd made a huge mistake.

We ended up agreeing to sell the business to end the dispute, but the fallout is that now he hates me and I wonder if he might find a reason to sue me in the future. I've realised that I should have just talked to him and tried to salvage the relationship rather than taking the legal step. I feel like such a horrible person for causing him so much stress and not being the better person.

On top of that, because he has control of the company he is reworking the accounts in retaliation to reduce the value of the company so I end up with much less money after the business is sold. I've probably cost myself $150,000 which is a hard pill to swallow and I can't afford to fight for my money. And I still have to go to work in the business each day and live a nightmare a million times worse than what I was trying to escape in the first place.

Being so stressed out has affected life at home with my family. I've been staying in bed a lot and disinterested in interacting with my wife and 2 children (10yr old son and 3 yr old daughter). At one point I said I need to go for a drive and left the house and drove around for a couple hours trying to find somewhere I could smash my car into to take my life. Luckily I didn't find one. My wife was texting me, worried about me, saying my family need me, worried about whether I would be coming home.

My wife has had enough of my depression and told me to pack my things and leave if I don't snap out of it, but it's so hard to be positive when I've screwed up so much. I'm not sleeping well - hard to get to sleep with all these thoughts and fears in my head with elevated heart rate and breathing. I always wake up in the early hours of the morning and can't get back to sleep because I can't escape my thoughts.

I've been reading threads on this site about methods to CTB and started thinking of a plan. I've spiralled down this mental hole so much that the emotional pain is unbearable and I've rationalised that my family would be better off without me because I will probably let them down financially and lose them anyway. It breaks my heart when my son tells me I'm the best daddy in the whole world (I'm not) and that he loves me 10 times as much as I love him. And my daughter is so cute and I would miss seeing them both grow up, but I just can't handle the pain right now. In hindsight life was annoying but peaceful before all this trouble and now I'm suicidal! I had dreams of what I would do after leaving the business and now it's all in tatters and the only future I see is misery.

I've seen my doctor (GP) and been in tears telling her about my feelings. Answered no when questioned if I had suicidal thoughts as I didn't want to be put in hospital. She prescribed me an anti-depressant (Lexapro) but I haven't taken them I as I don't want the side effects.

Sorry for the long vent. My story seems pathetic compared to what others on here are going through or have been through in their lives.

I wish you peace, I hope you find the answers, and I am glad you found the courage to talk about your experience. I don't think anyone's experience is pathetic, and I also don't think comparing stories is helpful except to make you beat yourself up. Your stresses are real and important...and my broken leg doesn't make your stubbed toe feel any better, if that makes sense.

 

[faust]

There are no good or bad reasons to CTB, same as there are no good or bad reasons to stay alive.
This is definitely not a pleasant situation, but have you considered the ways to get out of it?
I think it would be better to take your time and weigh all the pros and cons.
Thank you for your honesty and welcome to our forum!

 

[k75]

For of all, I don't think your feelings are any less valid than anyone else on you site. You're understandably overwhelmed and probably pretty panicked right now. Things are crumbling. That's not something to be taken lightly.

That said, if I were you, I'd try the medication. Maybe give therapy a try. This is what they'd help with best. You're in a situation that's putting too much strain on you, and you need help coping to get through it. Side effects aren't guaranteed and usually aren't permanent, and maybe the risk is worth it?

 

[MsMaudlin]

Your feelings are totally valid! Please never feel that they aren't.

Do you think it might be worth giving the antidepressants a try? I know they have side effects but they might help you see the odd glimmer of light in the dark times.

I'm sorry your wife can't be more understanding, we'd all snap out of it if we could. Maybe if she sees you have the tablets she might cut you some slack.

Keep talking to us, (I'm in the UK) We are all here for you ❤

 

[Soul]

Hello, @dusty boots. I'm sorry you're struggling with all this.

I gather things with your partner are past the point of mediation. It also sounds like you put up with quite a lot of crappiness from him before you lost it on the phone with him. So maybe blaming yourself for the whole sorry scenario isn't altogether accurate?

As for your home situation ... Maybe it would help if your doctor or a counsellor talked with your wife about depression. It could help both of you to try therapy.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@dusty boots

I respect it is your choice whether or not to take meds. My perspective on your eloquent narrative is that your good intentions were manipulated for you to take blame, that you were gaslighted so that any time you called out his tactics, you would take responsibility for them. It's no wonder you feel so distraught. What heavy burdens that are not yours to carry.

I'm sharing here a resource to help you identify, if you choose, the tactics he used at every step to manipulate you to his advantage (post #1 in the thread), and to help you identify what he may have targeted to exploit you (post #5 in thread). Mynhard-won BS detector say he depends on you being impotent so that he can achieve whatever ends he seeks. You may never know the ends, but I believe there is one above all of them: winning. That is likely what drives him in all of his relationships and interactions.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

I share this with the caveat that it does not feel good to be fooled. If you become aware, you may at first tend toward beating yourself up. But -- and I say this emphatically -- you are not to blame for what you did not and could not know. He cultivated your trust to exploit it. The responsibility for all of his actions is squarely on him.

He might destroy your reputation with employees, he might take your money, and you may have to start afresh with a new job and a new start at reaching goals, but don't let that fucker take your life, your wife's husband, and your kids' father.

I suggest as you emerge from his malevolently scripted drama that you hold to what you value most, mourn what you have lost, and move forward empowered with new knowledge and wisdom. It will be a fine example for your children that shit happens in life; how we manage it determines our ability to recover and builds our good character.

Don't hate yourself just because this power-hungry dick hates you, or more accurately, because he loves to win at any cost.

(Edit: Apologies for my strong tone. I don't mean to be commanding or demanding. I speak like that when I see an injustice and am so on your side, and because I recognize there is a fight that can be fought and won, the fight for yourself. My words and tone are, I think, intended as a shield for your good self, not as a weapon against it.)

One more resource, for later, if you want it, for building and nurturing your boundaries:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

I can't come there to kick his ass or fix things. I offer you my insights and these resources so you have more power and support on your side. I respect your right to self-determination; I hold no grudge if you do not want or accept what I've offered. I wish for your well-being and happiness, no matter what.

 

[Ghost2211]

Your feelings and reasoning is completely valid. Many people are here because they feel trapped in one way or another, or feel a sense of failure in one way or another. Nobody's reason is any more or less valid than another's, and we all see life through our own lens. it is sad and scary how quickly life can go from stable to spiraling out of control, and it can be hard to imagine how to pick up the pieces once we get to that state.

your children very likely view you differently than you view yourself and I'm sure in their eyes you are the best daddy in the world. It is very easy for us to see ourselves in a negative light, but it is important to remember that we are the whole world to our children.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

So often when I come to a thread I find that my fellow members have given sage advice that I can't really add to much.
All I can add is this...
Your pain is valid and no one should judge that. However, please try and make any decisions about your future with a clear head if you can. Sometimes the hurt can magnify the situation and cause impulsive feelings and actions. I hope you can make the decision that's right for you and your family. Maybe if you can feel a bit more in control you can find a way out of this.