Hello i need help and info on how to do it, preferably something that isnt painful

[Suzzana]

I'm gonna do it on my birthday, which is in 6 days. I was gonna go with cyanide, but I can't access it because of the current shipping problem. Am I oddly scared even tho ive been ready for this my entire life? I feel like the older I get, the more I don't mind living with this severe depression, but it's also the more I sin and hate myself completely. I'm becoming everything I despise, and my situation does not help; in fact, nothing in my life works other than the fact that I have an able body. I've got nothing else going on for me. I'm thankful for everything, of course, but it has to happen now because I don't want to live every day thinking about how I'm gonna do it, and how I could've done it younger and missed it. I've spent the past 11+years thinking about it, not one day has passed without me contemplating how to end my life. I've ruined everything in my life. I'm a ruiner, my one escapism and ironic silver lining was always that I could end it anytime. If I had another chance, maybe I'd think about it, but eventually I know I'll fuck it up because that's just what I do. One thing I'm really good at, in fact, the only thing I'm good at, is I fuck it up.
anyway im looking for ways to do it without it looking like suicide. No guns here in this country, and nothing messy, i need help i need a sure way pls preferably pain free but i can handle it a bit ig, im really ready. And what arrangements will i need to make before i go? im scared and excited maybe evryone around me is right and ill end up in hell. oh well i guess I've experienced constant torturous hell, which is my stupid fucking ruiner brain

 

[somethingisntreal]

I feel you, man. I have been suicidal for a decade too. Nothing really bad in my life, it's just my stupid self loathing brain which keeps self sabotaging. It's alright to feel this way. I do think you should reconsider your method. It never hurts to delay your ctb. Cyanide, as far as I'm aware, is excruciatingly painful. If you're interested in poisoning, I'd recommend you go with something like SN. Do check out the megathread for any methods that seem appealing to you, though.

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