Venting Heartbroken and sad

[Suicidebydeath]

I wish people that I cared about, showed the same or any care in return. It's heart-breaking to give so much of myself only to see someone leave me by the wayside while caring for strangers. This makes me so sad, I wish I could just end it. Everything feels pointless.

Maybe I should go soon. Even though I know I should not let others have any agency over my emotional state. No wonder that people harden themselves about being kind to others. If only that was a mistake I could rectify in myself.

 

[makethepainstop]

Why keep giving and allowing them to keep taking from you? If I were you I'd quit giving so much. Some people are not worth the effort. Just my two cents worth.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

SN feels more and more tempting all the time. I still have my noose. Maybe if I keep feeling like this I can use one or the other.

This all feels so painful and dumb at the same time. I hate everything about it. I need to ignore it, not have it be a pain that keeps biting at me with unfairness. I hate all unfair things in the world. Everyone suffers unfairness. It feels unbearable sometimes.

I wish I could close myself off again. I was honestly better when my life was hell. I survived everything much better when I had noone, nowhere to turn to, no agency and was just being tortured everyday. I don't know how, but I was much tougher as a person then, I didn't have to deal with emotions in this way. I just got through each day somehow. Why am I so weak now, it's infuriating, I am angry at my own privilege to be this weak compared to when my life was more of a hell.

Why keep giving and allowing them to keep taking from you? If I were you I'd quit giving so much. Some people are not worth the effort. Just my two cents worth.

I don't, I might take a break or give a second chance. Just once is enough to hurt really bad. Then even if I stay away from them, the pain of what happened and the unfairness continues to hurt and torment me when its over. I hate it so much. I don't stop caring too, I'm just literally forcing myself away from people sometimes. It hurts a lot.

I have to do that with my family. I care but I have to force myself away or they'll keep hurting me. I wish I had a normal family.

Reminder, this is a vent. I don't really want someone to say "hey why not do this?" - it's not that easy for me. I get hurt anyway. Everyone is different and gets hurt by different stuff anyway. For me it feels like a betrayal.

If I don't feel like I can safely vent, I'll delete the whole OP and just continue to suffer in silence. I might disappear for a bit, if I don't come back in a few weeks, I'm dead from hanging myself, since I will definitely be checking in on the site until then. I just need a few breaks. I'm just going to hold my noose and think about it for a while.

 

[makethepainstop]

SN feels more and more tempting all the time. I still have my noose. Maybe if I keep feeling like this I can use one or the other.

This all feels so painful and dumb at the same time. I hate everything about it. I need to ignore it, not have it be a pain that keeps biting at me with unfairness. I hate all unfair things in the world. Everyone suffers unfairness. It feels unbearable sometimes.

I wish I could close myself off again. I was honestly better when my life was hell. I survived everything much better when I had noone, nowhere to turn to, no agency and was just being tortured everyday. I don't know how, but I was much tougher as a person then, I didn't have to deal with emotions in this way. I just got through each day somehow. Why am I so weak now, it's infuriating, I am angry at my own privilege to be this weak compared to when my life was more of a hell.

I don't, I might take a break or give a second chance. Just once is enough to hurt really bad. Then even if I stay away from them, the pain of what happened and the unfairness continues to hurt and torment me when its over. I hate it so much. I don't stop caring too, I'm just literally forcing myself away from people sometimes. It hurts a lot.

I have to do that with my family. I care but I have to force myself away or they'll keep hurting me. I wish I had a normal family.

Reminder, this is a vent. I don't really want someone to say "hey why not do this?" - it's not that easy for me. I get hurt anyway. Everyone is different and gets hurt by different stuff anyway. For me it feels like a betrayal.

If I don't feel like I can safely vent, I'll delete the whole OP and just continue to suffer in silence. I might disappear for a bit, if I don't come back in a few weeks, I'm dead from hanging myself, since I will definitely be checking in on the site until then. I just need a few breaks. I'm just going to hold my noose and think about it for a while.

In so sorry, families can be a blessing, or a curse. They say time can heal many things, may it be so for you.

SN feels more and more tempting all the time. I still have my noose. Maybe if I keep feeling like this I can use one or the other.

This all feels so painful and dumb at the same time. I hate everything about it. I need to ignore it, not have it be a pain that keeps biting at me with unfairness. I hate all unfair things in the world. Everyone suffers unfairness. It feels unbearable sometimes.

I wish I could close myself off again. I was honestly better when my life was hell. I survived everything much better when I had noone, nowhere to turn to, no agency and was just being tortured everyday. I don't know how, but I was much tougher as a person then, I didn't have to deal with emotions in this way. I just got through each day somehow. Why am I so weak now, it's infuriating, I am angry at my own privilege to be this weak compared to when my life was more of a hell.

I don't, I might take a break or give a second chance. Just once is enough to hurt really bad. Then even if I stay away from them, the pain of what happened and the unfairness continues to hurt and torment me when its over. I hate it so much. I don't stop caring too, I'm just literally forcing myself away from people sometimes. It hurts a lot.

I have to do that with my family. I care but I have to force myself away or they'll keep hurting me. I wish I had a normal family.

Reminder, this is a vent. I don't really want someone to say "hey why not do this?" - it's not that easy for me. I get hurt anyway. Everyone is different and gets hurt by different stuff anyway. For me it feels like a betrayal.

If I don't feel like I can safely vent, I'll delete the whole OP and just continue to suffer in silence. I might disappear for a bit, if I don't come back in a few weeks, I'm dead from hanging myself, since I will definitely be checking in on the site until then. I just need a few breaks. I'm just going to hold my noose and think about it for a while.

In so sorry, families can be a blessing, or a curse. They say time can heal many things, may it be so for you.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I was crying and held my noose. Its so soft and perfect yet sturdy, I wish I could put my neck through it, its a bit dirty now though I've had it a while. I decided it would be stupid to kill myself over some unfairness thats partially my fault. I care too much about others that I expose myself to hurt. I just wish someone would care about me. It still hurts a ton and feeling betrayed even deciding that.

I would love for someone to care about me, to care when I feel down and suicidal. It's sad that it's unobtainable.

I'm going to cry some more and try to stay away for a while. The cramps and pain, not being able to walk or sleep, and being cold and hungry isn't helping me to feel any better. I'm feeling very negative. I'm hating my own survival.

Time really does not heal family things. Sorry but I really hate that saying, it doesn't apply to toxic families at all. The only healing is figuring out that it wasn't you all along, it was always them.

 

[Hollowillow]

I wish people that I cared about, showed the same or any care in return. It's heart-breaking to give so much of myself only to see someone leave me by the wayside while caring for strangers. This makes me so sad, I wish I could just end it. Everything feels pointless.

Maybe I should go soon. Even though I know I should not let others have any agency over my emotional state. No wonder that people harden themselves about being kind to others. If only that was a mistake I could rectify in myself.

Aww, I'm sorry that you feel hurt & sad. I was beyond madness but I feel better thanks to you. Sorry if I was cold, I barely ate & didn't sleep for almost 3 days. I searched ebay for SN desperate to die... At an affordable price if I fail... But to no avail.

*Hugs you* I'm glad that you're kind. I had to devellop a split personality to save myself. SI takes over but he's in a chaotic panic to fix the threat fast... But it's practical to be immune to narcissistic manipulation, because my heart freezes asleep. But it really sucks to make friends.

I'm sure a lot of people appreciate you. But I wish we could go camping all together, everyone, in a tent, dnuggling like puppies while the charcoal fumes warms us...

I was crying and held my noose. Its so soft and perfect yet sturdy, I wish I could put my neck through it, its a bit dirty now though I've had it a while. I decided it would be stupid to kill myself over some unfairness thats partially my fault. I care too much about others that I expose myself to hurt. I just wish someone would care about me. It still hurts a ton and feeling betrayed even deciding that.

I would love for someone to care about me, to care when I feel down and suicidal. It's sad that it's unobtainable.

I'm going to cry some more and try to stay away for a while. The cramps and pain, not being able to walk or sleep, and being cold and hungry isn't helping me to feel any better. I'm feeling very negative. I'm hating my own survival.

Time really does not heal family things. Sorry but I really hate that saying, it doesn't apply to toxic families at all. The only healing is figuring out that it wasn't you all along, it was always them.

I'm so sorry... I wish I could help... No one should be cold & hungry like this... I hope you'll find a better place...

 

[FuneralCry]

To me the existence of life really is a horrible thing. It's unfair how all this suffering exists and how people are trapped in these awful situations with no real relief from what they are going through. Such a thing as peace could never exist in this life.
I wish you the best.

 

[Pluto]

Families can do the most extreme damage because they have very deep roots in our psychological makeup, they can do cumulative damage over time and the true nature of abuse can easily be covered up by via normalisation or other forms of brainwashing. Unless some immense healing takes place, the harmful patterns can be so addictive that they spill over into later relationships with others.

It is very important to know that it is not your fault, and there is no way of making them change their ways. Often it is imperative to cut off all contact.