Fwompje
life is cruel and time heals nothing
- Feb 23, 2023
- 189
I just had an entrance exam today for the art school I want to go to and they were very positive. I'm probably going to get accepted. I never thought I would get accepted so I didn't make any solid plans for what's next. I thought I was going to ctb at the end of this month.
I've done so many things without caring because I thought it didn't matter anymore yet now I have plans go to college for 4 more years and I'll see what happens after that. Fucked up my teeth, chain smoked, got drunk too much, messed up relationships. Everything is a mess because I didn't care. I'm almost sad that I got accepted because now I don't get to ctb and I actually have to fix this shit whilst still dealing with depression.
It sounds confusing and it's hard for me to put into words, suicide is just something I've been living towards for almost a decade, I keep thinking it's going to be in the near future so "nothing matters". Yet now I actually have to care or it would've all been a waste anyways. I still want to have this all be over with so badly yet I'm curious to see what will happen the next 5 years. It's very conflicting.
In general, I think it's safe to say my ctb date has been extended for years. I know I will never grow old and I'll probably end up ctb-ing but I've never had a problem with that. I might attempt something impulsively because of my mental health issues but my plan for the end of this month has been scrapped. I don't feel happy about that, I don't feel sad, I don't need anybody to tell me that it's good that I extended it.
Just wanted to vent, throw this out here. Can't really talk to anybody else about this. Thank you for reading. I hope it was comprehensible, sometimes my sentences are structured weird :)
(also added a painting they liked at the exam, I didn't think anyone would like or understand it so I feel good about that!)
I've done so many things without caring because I thought it didn't matter anymore yet now I have plans go to college for 4 more years and I'll see what happens after that. Fucked up my teeth, chain smoked, got drunk too much, messed up relationships. Everything is a mess because I didn't care. I'm almost sad that I got accepted because now I don't get to ctb and I actually have to fix this shit whilst still dealing with depression.
It sounds confusing and it's hard for me to put into words, suicide is just something I've been living towards for almost a decade, I keep thinking it's going to be in the near future so "nothing matters". Yet now I actually have to care or it would've all been a waste anyways. I still want to have this all be over with so badly yet I'm curious to see what will happen the next 5 years. It's very conflicting.
In general, I think it's safe to say my ctb date has been extended for years. I know I will never grow old and I'll probably end up ctb-ing but I've never had a problem with that. I might attempt something impulsively because of my mental health issues but my plan for the end of this month has been scrapped. I don't feel happy about that, I don't feel sad, I don't need anybody to tell me that it's good that I extended it.
Just wanted to vent, throw this out here. Can't really talk to anybody else about this. Thank you for reading. I hope it was comprehensible, sometimes my sentences are structured weird :)
(also added a painting they liked at the exam, I didn't think anyone would like or understand it so I feel good about that!)
