Discussion Have you experienced limerence?

[bluemoirai]

Limerence is a state of mind that arises as a result of romantic or non-romantic feelings toward another person and usually involves obsessive, melancholic thoughts or tragic experiences for the object of one's affection, along with a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of one's infatuation and receive a response to one's feelings. (from wiki)

I recently learned this word, and yes, finally I know at least approximately how to describe the feeling that has been gnawing at me from the inside for three years. They say that limerence almost usually ends after three years. Has anyone experienced this?

How long did it last? Did it disappear completely? Why do you think you felt this way? It's a kind of unhealthy attachment.

 

[IrisGr3y_]

Several times. More often people I don't know IRL, usually completely out of reach, but there were such ones as well. It did take a year or two to get over them. I think it depends on the age you're experiencing it. Most are from my teenage years. Well, that's my experience, if it's an IRL person, for other people it can last very long if they interact with their crush on a daily basis. I was too reclusive for that.

Most intense one was an English teacher from abroad during 8th grade. Had me usually thinking of her, looking forward to the class, grades slowly went down. The 'depressing' effect after she left (since she only stayed one year) stunted my performance at school the next year.

Looking back, it was Halo Effect more than anything because, like I said, I was a teenager.

Right now, I happen to be experiencing it again in my 20s. I've been detached and unwilling these last years, then I found this person that feels like she checks a lot of boxes, to put it mildly. This time, it just happens to be both looks and a personality that resonated with me, that is like mine. Sometimes, this whole thing makes me.. feel something (as corny as that sounds), but it's also sad because I'm so deep into the Body Dysmorphia hole that I can't fantasize about being with this person.


Common patterns for people under 'limerence' are low-self esteem, depression, and the like. It applies to me right now. Even when a lot of it is built on air in the end, it takes me away from my... well, you know, existence and how I feel about it.


Sorry if the wording's a bit clumsy, I prioritized not leaving a wall of text, and also joined recently, so I don't know what to expect really.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- I believe all of my crushes were limerence. 4 in total over around 13+ years. 3 years was around the minimum time. The longest one lasted 7 years.

As for why I developed them- I think it was a mixture really. I'm quite an obsessive person generally. I feel emotions or used to at least- intensely. I'm prone to mal adaptive dreaming probably too- and I think the two go hand in hand.

I was/ am also fairly shy around guys in real life. Especially ones I found attractive. I also knew they wouldn't like me back so, I suppose it was safer to just fantasize about them instead.

I also had quite a prudish upbringing. No sex before marriage and all that. So- I think that made me equate being attracted to them with the idea I must be in love with them.

I suppose also- while my childhood wasn't the worst, there were issues. It wasn't exactly the most stable with one parent dying, the other remarrying. I think we sometimes develop limerence because we are looking for the family closeness connection we didn't always get in childhood.

I was the same as you though. It was weirdly a relief to work out it was probably all limerence. I know crushes can be very intense to begin with but, this was more like an addiction in a way. I felt so eaten up with obsession for these people. Then, I'd feel ashamed for feeling like that because I imagined they'd be repulsed by the idea.

I'm really careful now. It's not to say I'm entirely free of it but, I know the signs. I'm quick to nip any fixations I have on people in the bud now- because I know where it leads. Life is so much calmer without all that going on.

I do seem safer when it comes to fictional characters/ actors though. When I do feel the need to dump those feelings somewhere- I use that as a release now.

 

[bluemoirai]

Several times. More often people I don't know IRL, usually completely out of reach, but there were such ones as well. It did take a year or two to get over them. I think it depends on the age you're experiencing it. Most are from my teenage years. Well, that's my experience, if it's an IRL person, for other people it can last very long if they interact with their crush on a daily basis. I was too reclusive for that.

Absolutely, very often these are people who live too far away for a real relationship to develop. They say that limerence feeds on uncertainty.

Most intense one was an English teacher from abroad during 8th grade. Had me usually thinking of her, looking forward to the class, grades slowly went down. The 'depressing' effect after she left (since she only stayed one year) stunted my performance at school the next year.

I'm sorry to hear that. Indeed, these feelings overshadow everything else in life. My university studies have also suffered greatly, and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to complete my education now.

Sorry if the wording's a bit clumsy, I prioritized not leaving a wall of text, and also joined recently, so I don't know what to expect really.

Welcome here. I don't think you should be afraid to write long posts. There are many people here who read long posts, especially if they find something that resonates with them.

I'm really careful now. It's not to say I'm entirely free of it but, I know the signs. I'm quick to nip any fixations I have on people in the bud now- because I know where it leads.

I wonder how you do it? It must be hard mental work, right?
I have repeatedly tried to sublimate it into creativity or learning, but I am too untalented for that.