i've basically grown up and lived my entire life on the internet. i neeted for a long time, around six years or so from the age of 16. i am (barely) studying now but i still almost never leave the house at all (and find that i have to take a benzo in order to do even that). i think all the time on the internet has turned my brain into mush, there's a kind of neverending brainfog that consumes me and i'm unable to exert any effort into anything meaningful. i am barely surviving, missing neeting a lot even though i am glad to have my own space these days.
i'm wrapped in layers of guilt and unease i can't navigate because i just keep pushing down any meaningful feelings with more scrolling, more distractions, more substances. i have very little idea of how to interact with other people, and these days i feel that i don't much know myself either. i've made online friends many times over the years but i always end up disappearing on everyone and it makes me feel terrible. i wish i could form more long-term connections, and most of all i wish i could form those connections in person.
i've built my own prison cell and i placate myself with any vice i can seem to find. the internet is like my only tether to anything real at all and it is starting to feel very claustrophobic and testing. i'd love to throw my computer and phone out the window, but i have no idea who i am or what i have without them