mmm. i have trouble connecting w people, i'm much better on a one on one basis. atm i have friends irl from when i used to horse ride, ie friends i competed w etc but even now, i'm never truly myself with them.
i always felt disconnected and on the outside looking in. the main reason i have connected with them is bc of our shared common interest- horses. my dry humour or "morbid outlook" slips out on occasion but i play it off. it takes all of me to act normal and it's an utter drain. they're not bad people, hence why they have the friend label but they're not necessarily confidants. i let my mask fully slip once when i rode my old horse after a failed OD the night before. this was a few years ago. i told my friend and she laughed. she thought i was joking so i just didn't continue the conversation and swayed it elsewhere. i also rode like absolute shit because i was feeling so ill
deep, genuine connections are hard to find. i can't necessarily blame this on anyone else, because i absolutely do hold people at arms length and in a certain regard
