I've been flip flopping there's a big part of me that wants to die and cannot bear to go on any longer. Looking at what I need to do over the next few weeks, months, years, I am overwhelmed. I don't have a support system where I am my mother has pretty much disowned me because of my physical Illness CRPS and what comes with it and so has much of my family. I'm in a different state where I don't have a support system like my home state. I've withdrawn, isolated, sabotaged relationships and not planned for the future the past couple weeks. I was planning on CTB this weekend via SN and was taking my metro every 8 hours since Friday morning so it's been about 48 hours of that I have been not eating much and restricting my fluids too. I'm having trouble going through with it though and coping with the fact that I would die today I am scared I feel unfinished I haven't even written my letters but at the same time I've been prepping for this. All while I still am holding onto a string of hope I feel like I am finally getting some answers to things I've recently self identified myself with autism the past week but I havent shared that with anyone but anyways my ounce of hope is getting clouded from my overwhelmness and fear of what I need to do in the coming weeks months years with no support I'm so scared. I don't know which I'm more scared of does anyone feel this way? I don't know what to do I feel like I can't live anymore but i am scared of dying. I feel almost like a couple months from now I may regret not killing myself I want to be dead but I'm so scared
enlightened_suicide
How do you know, this isn't all a dream?
- Jan 4, 2020
- 112
You just have to remember this is the biggest choice of your life
and it will always be an option, as opposed to living and we are all here for you as well!
It's okay to feel scared, it might just be a sign it's not your time yet.. there's no rush :)
and it will always be an option, as opposed to living and we are all here for you as well!
It's okay to feel scared, it might just be a sign it's not your time yet.. there's no rush :)
Of course. Look how long I've been here. I've been close and have survived some serious states of mind where I thought for sure I was going to but then there seems to be a protective factor that will switch on right when I'm preparing or attempting to get serious about it. The problem is that I can only go through with it on impulse so maybe my method is not the right one for me. I need something where I don't have to prepare much ahead of time. A gun would probably be the most effective for me because I can't back out at the last minute, or maybe hanging. I would not do it in the state u are in because this exactly what has been my experience too. Sorry u are in this state I know exactly what it feels like. If u can hang on I would try. If u ever reach that threshold when u are truly ready I think it won't be that hard. Doesn't help in the moment though.
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RainAndSadness
Administrator
- Jun 12, 2018
- 2,144
Yeah, I relate to your situation a lot. I'm too exhausted to live and too scared to die. I'm unable to defeat the survival instinct (for the moment) and maybe that's because there are some small shimmers of hope in my life so it's really difficult to let go. And I keep struggling and fighting against a stream that is impossible to defeat - so the whole act is basically hopeless and I don't even know why I keep going. I don't think my situation is ever gonna change and I've been stuck in that suicidal loop for at least the last 2 years. Despite some progress I made. But I always feel like I'm going full circle and in the end, I'm exactly in the same spot as before. It doesn't really feel like I'm going anywhere. And I'm probably still gonna be in the exact same situation in 2 years, if I don't manage to ctb earlier. Just like @Final Escape, I've been a member in this forum for quite some time. It really sucks that I'm still here - I really seek the peace that comes with death. I think not existing sounds great because it ends all my suffering instantly. But Death is a permanent concept and that's what scares me I guess. It's really difficult to break down the survival instinct rationally, because death isn't really something you have to be scared of. Just think about it: It's gonna happen either way, at some point. We can't escape it, so it shouldn't make a difference for me if I die soon, right? But for some reason. I'm just not able to do it. I think the survival instinct is essentially a very irrational behavior and completely useless for people like us. From what I gathered, this instinct seems to be the most difficult enemy for all of us in this forum. On the other hand, dying itself sounds scary too. It's a crazy process and I wonder if I'm gonna notice that, even when I'm in a deep sleep after drinking N. Like... what's gonna happen in my last seconds of my life? Will I be aware of my body dying? Are there gonna be any near-death experiences? I don't know and the unknown is what makes it scary for me.
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Thanks for your responses everyone I have grown very weak and dehydrated from not eating from preparing to not have food this weekend as I was going to CTB and it was a snow weekend so I'm unable to get any I usually have people come help me due to my disability but I accidentally slept through it on Friday so I don't know if they'll show up tomorrow. Part of me still wants to CTB tonight but I'm very scared of both options and I happened to have both my brother and sister butt dial me today and my grandmother text me saying she was worried about me. This cannot be a coincidence so I think I'll keep holding on not sure what to do though about the fact I think I'm going to pass out from the lack of eating and drinking. Also the fact that I keep holding on has just kept me in a loop too where things just get worse so also still in a loop over everything
Yes your not alone with this. I feel horrible physically every single day and only have little hope of help. I don't want to die but don't want to suffer either. I have what I need for my cbt but just can't do it. But atleast now I have an option.
I am sorry for your suffering, and I hope you find your peace in whatever decision you make.
Jumper
Student
- Jun 18, 2019
- 149
I feel you. I have CRPS and bipolar, plus a bunch of other problems. I'm in a state of wanting to die everyday, but I know I can't do it and cannot even bring myself to update suicide notes. I've been closer to death in the past (prior to CRPS), but my current position feels worse because I'm in this limbo state. Peace to you.
I also haven't done any goodbye letters but think I just won't..people close to me would know why I did it.
I've felt suicidal and had attempts prior to crps too I always felt alone in the world and like I didn't fit in and couldn't do what everyone else was and didn't understand why. I've actually been In treatment for a lot of my crps and it's gotten maybe 60% better but not to the point where I can be fully independent in a state with no support. I can't do that anymore I need my cat, my friends, and my family understanding and my home full of my things back. Without any of those I just want to stop existing but yes it's scary since my survival kicks in the funny thing is all today I was wishing I did it yesterday I stayed up all night over it but I won't have a chance until next weekend
