Venting Happy birthday to me

[Sensei]

@very-dead-llama started a thread about their (last?) birthday yesterday and I thought I should do the same, as today is my birthday. (Statistically, more people who suffer depression are born in April than any other month.) I'm not asking for congratulations, so there's no need for that. Rather, I'd like to talk a little bit about getting old. I'm in my mid-forties so I'm not that old, but I'm getting there.

Many of the younger members of this forum seem to think that growing old is a living hell. When it comes to me, growing old is not a pain per se. I no longer worry about things young people tend to worry about, such as being clumsy or appearing stupid. I've accumulated knowledge and experience throughout the years and hence my thinking is much sharper today than it was twenty years ago. I'm definitely a kinder person today, and perhaps also a little bit wiser. I no longer feel that I have a need to self-aggrandize or compete. I'm in better physical shape than ever before and I easily outperform young people when I practice martial arts. All in all, growing old isn't necessarily all bad.

However, there's one thing I wasn't prepared for and which is breaking me. When you grow older, the pressure to conform grows stronger. Most people my age have a house, a car, a spouse, a couple of children, and a social network. I just have a car. Most people my age like to decorate their homes, gossip, watch hockey games, spend their holidays on sunny beaches, take their children to soccer practice, and what have you. They probably regard everything I do as pointless, immature, and/or weird. Most people my age invite each other to dinners, barbeques, birthday parties, weddings, baptisms and so on. Since I'm unconventional, single, and childess, I'm usually excluded, and it's probably not even a conscious decision. It's bizarre, my teenage pupils invite me to drinking parties and poker games (I always decline, of course), but my peers hardly ever invite me to anything.

I've always been an outlier and a rebel, and I've been comfortable with that. This is something completely different, though. I'm no longer an outlier and a rebel. Now I'm an oddball and a failure. I know I shouldn't care and enjoy my simple life, but it's impossible. I think everyone who is in my situation can testify to that. Every day when I go to work and every time I meet old friends, I get reminded that I'll always be the odd man out in most contexts, never learned to play the game called life, lack everything most people find essential, and will become a tragic, lonely, old man tormented by escalating mental illness.

People who have never been married have the highest suicide frequency and I also suffer from the mental illness with the highest suicide frequency, so statistically, I'm already dead. I haven't given up hope just yet, though. Happy birthday to me.

 

[artificialpasta]

Happy birthday. What keeps you going at this point?

 

[littlemisssunshine]

Happy Birthday

 

[Sensei]

Happy birthday. What keeps you going at this point?

I guess it's because I still have good days and there might be many more to come. It's not impossible that my life will improve, even though the odds are bad. Had my social situation been the only problem I think I could have learned to cope, but I also struggle with a mental illness which often makes my problems seem worse than they really are. I guess I'll have to live day by day until it's no longer possible.

 

[BabyYoda]

Oh crap, that also means I'm dead as well.............

Happy Birthday, Sensei. Nice to see that someone here has their birthday 3 days after mine. Such coincidence...........

 

[Woodnote]

Happy birthday!

 

[Nanami]

Although I'm not particularily old, the thing that pains me about getting older is that I'm further and further away from the time I felt safe and well. Not sure if that makes sense to someone else but that's how it is for me.

Happy Birthday though.

 

[Soul]

Have a fine birthday, Sensei-sama.
I'm sorry you feel that pressure to conform. I escaped it by hanging out with artists and musicians instead of with my professional colleagues. One of the main joys of hanging out with artists is that there's always someone who's fucked their life up worse than I have, which is very reassuring.

Seriously, though: Misfits and outsiders are where it's at. Rock on.

 

[Sensei]

Have a fine birthday, Sensei-sama.
I'm sorry you feel that pressure to conform. I escaped it by hanging out with artists and musicians instead of with my professional colleagues. One of the main joys of hanging out with artists is that there's always someone who's fucked their life up worse than I have, which is very reassuring.

Seriously, though: Misfits and outsiders are where it's at. Rock on.

That's spot on. I like EBM and when I go to festivals, concerts, and events I meet such wonderfully unusual people that I feel normal, not to say ordinary. (Sadly, three festivals I planned to attend have been cancelled due to the pandemic.) Had I lived in a large city I could have surrounded myself with such people and never had to worry about living up to social norms. Instead, I'm stuck in a bland medium-sized city and work in hicksville; for several reasons, I can't move. Fortunately, I have a couple of friends who are in the same or a similar situation as I am. If I lose them, and I very well might, my situation might become unbearable very fast.

 

[departing]

Happy Birthday!

 

[mediocre]

I am surprised you've been finding it harder to conform as you get older I was hoping it would be easier. I've found it extremely difficult to confirm as a teenager and young adult but I found a little bit of comfort when people say as you get older you just don't care as much. But perhaps that's just a saying.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

@very-dead-llama started a thread about their (last?) birthday yesterday and I thought I should do the same, as today is my birthday. (Statistically, more people who suffer depression are born in April than any other month.) I'm not asking for congratulations, so there's no need for that. Rather, I'd like to talk a little bit about getting old. I'm in my mid-forties so I'm not that old, but I'm getting there.

Many of the younger members of this forum seem to think that growing old is a living hell. When it comes to me, growing old is not a pain per se. I no longer worry about things young people tend to worry about, such as being clumsy or appearing stupid. I've accumulated knowledge and experience throughout the years and hence my thinking is much sharper today than it was twenty years ago. I'm definitely a kinder person today, and perhaps also a little bit wiser. I no longer feel that I have a need to self-aggrandize or compete. I'm in better physical shape than ever before and I easily outperform young people when I practice martial arts. All in all, growing old isn't necessarily all bad.

However, there's one thing I wasn't prepared for and which is breaking me. When you grow older, the pressure to conform grows stronger. Most people my age have a house, a car, a spouse, a couple of children, and a social network. I just have a car. Most people my age like to decorate their homes, gossip, watch hockey games, spend their holidays on sunny beaches, take their children to soccer practice, and what have you. They probably regard everything I do as pointless, immature, and/or weird. Most people my age invite each other to dinners, barbeques, birthday parties, weddings, baptisms and so on. Since I'm unconventional, single, and childess, I'm usually excluded, and it's probably not even a conscious decision. It's bizarre, my teenage pupils invite me to drinking parties and poker games (I always decline, of course), but my peers hardly ever invite me to anything.

I've always been an outlier and a rebel, and I've been comfortable with that. This is something completely different, though. I'm no longer an outlier and a rebel. Now I'm an oddball and a failure. I know I shouldn't care and enjoy my simple life, but it's impossible. I think everyone who is in my situation can testify to that. Every day when I go to work and every time I meet old friends, I get reminded that I'll always be the odd man out in most contexts, never learned to play the game called life, lack everything most people find essential, and will become a tragic, lonely, old man tormented by escalating mental illness.

People who have never been married have the highest suicide frequency and I also suffer from the mental illness with the highest suicide frequency, so statistically, I'm already dead. I haven't given up hope just yet, though. Happy birthday to me.

I feel the same way. I'm in my late twenties and definitely feel like the odd man (or woman in my case) out because of not being married with kids or being settled in a career or even using my college degree. It actually scares me that I didn't "figure it out" like my peers did. Like I somehow got left behind..

 

[one4all]

@Sensei Happy Birthday!
I can relate to what you say.

Just to add something to what you said. As you get older you also watch your friends/family pass before you do. I really have no friends my age anymore. That is something else to deal with.

 

[Despondent]

Happy Birthday friend!!

 

[Soul]

I feel the same way. I'm in my late twenties and definitely feel like the odd man (or woman in my case) out because of not being married with kids or being settled in a carrier or even using my college degree. It actually scares me that I didn't "figure it out" like my peers did. Like I somehow got left behind..

Ahhh but the ones who have "figured it out" also wake up in the middle of the night with that sickening "what am I doing with my life" feeling.

I know what you mean, @NotMeantForHere. I fled to farfetched countries and have lived my entire adult life as an ex-pat, and people who stayed close to home wake up aghast at how blah their lives are and how exotic mine is. At the exact same hours as you, me and @Sensei are stressing about not fitting in or settling down or figuring it out. x

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Have a great birthday!

I can also relate, the only thing not to fun about getting older is that it shows. Im a girl and im not sure that i like all the changes

 

[Sensei]

I am surprised you've been finding it harder to conform as you get older I was hoping it would be easier. I've found it extremely difficult to confirm as a teenager and young adult but I found a little bit of comfort when people say as you get older you just don't care as much. But perhaps that's just a saying.

I believe that you care less when you get older if you live an ordinary life. Of course, even though I'm some kind of anomaly, I've stopped caring about some things as I've grown older too. I don't care at all how many friends I have listed or how many likes my posts get in social media. I don't care at all if people find my taste in movies, music, and literature weird. I don't care at all if my opinions are controversial or if I'm considered a troublemaker. I do care when it comes to the big picture, though. The problem is that the older the age group, the higher the uniformity. When was the last time you met a person in their 60s with a mohawk haircut? The older you get the weirder you seem if you don't fit the template.

I feel the same way. I'm in my late twenties and definitely feel like the odd man (or woman in my case) out because of not being married with kids or being settled in a career or even using my college degree. It actually scares me that I didn't "figure it out" like my peers did. Like I somehow got left behind..

There are obviously differences between countries and cultures, urban areas and rural areas, and so on and so forth. That said, I don't think you need to worry about all that yet. When you're in your late thirties it will probably become a big problem for you, though. In other words, you need to build the life you want within the next ten years.

 

[Epsilon0]

Happy, happy birthday, dear @Sensei!

 

[faust]

@Sensei, you will never be odd for us, you will be unique
Even if you look around, it does not mean that here you will do exactly the same. Sometimes it's important to feel that you are in the community of same people like you. Being a rebel is a great reward! And you probably will never be different, but regardless of your past and present, we will be with you. Once a rebel always a rebel ;)
On your Birthday I want to wish you a fast recovery, and of course keep us updated on how you are doing!
Best wishes from depths of the sea :)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Happy birthday!

I'm nearly 48.
For me getting older is an absurd paradox.
They say youth is wasted on the young but I'd add (at least for me) age is wasted on the old.
I have changed as I've aged, as one does. My priorities have shifted and I now care about much more ephemeral things.
However, I miss the times when I had a simpler view of life, when it was more black and white.
I'll bastardise a quote here: fortune favours the young and age is the reward of the cautious.
My views have matured and in some ways I have more knowledge and potential understanding now I'm older.
But paradoxically, I have less power to do anything with that knowledge, partly because I'm older and weaker (from illness) but mostly because I've learned enough to see how badly things can go wrong and how wide ranging the consequences can be.
Age and understanding has left me more afraid. So even if I did have a deeper understanding, I'm more afraid to act then when I was younger.
Lol I spent my life sticking it to 'the Man' then one day, without realising it, I became 'the Man' myself.
So the more you know, the less you understand. I sometimes prefer the innocence of youth. I suppose I need to learn the benefits of age.

 

[Epsilon0]

Yay, the dancing mushroom is here! Let the party begin.

Let's see... who knows any good party games? I only know musical chairs

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Sensei, you will never be odd for us, you will be unique
Even if you look around, it does not mean that here you will do exactly the same. Sometimes it's important to feel that you are in the community of same people like you. Being a rebel is a great reward! And you probably will never be different, but regardless of your past and present, we will be with you. Once a rebel always a rebel ;)
On your Birthday I want to wish you a fast recovery, and of course keep us updated on how you are doing!
Best wishes from depths of the sea :)

I just read back. Yeah being a rebel is cool. Once a rebel always a rebel @Sensei

 

[faust]

Yay, the dancing mushroom is here! Let the party begin.

Let's see... who knows any good party games? I only know musical chairs

We have a game called Truth and Courage. For example, somebody asks you truth or courage, you say truth and then same person asks you a question and you have to tell the truth. If you say courage, you have to do something challenging

 

[Epsilon0]

Is it ok if I am going to go ahead and rain on the parade and say that I would give anything to be normal...

Yeah, being an oddball is poetical, but so goddam unpractical. Especially if you are not cool-odd, but just weird-odd, such as me.

Not you, @Sensei, you are definitely cool-odd.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I wonder though - where is the middle ground of self between feeling the pressure to conform as you age and feeling the need to stand out from the crowd when you are young?

 

[Epsilon0]

We have a game called Truth and Courage. For example, somebody asks you truth or courage, you say truth and then same person asks you a question and you have to tell the truth. If you say courage, you have to do something challenging

Good idea @faust

Let's DARE people to do stuff on a suicide forum.

Edit

(add disclaimer)

It was a joke.

 

[faust]

Is it ok if I am going to go ahead and rain on the parade and say that I would give anything to be normal...

Yeah, being an oddball is poetical, but so goddam unpractical. Especially if you are not cool-odd, but just weird-odd, such as me.

Not you, @Sensei, you are definitely cool-odd.

When I was 4-5-6 years old, I did not attend kindergarten and was reading very often. I was not normal from the beginning. When everybody was playing toys and socializing, I was reading... When I first went to school, I did not know how to communicate to these people, they were talking about something totally different than I used to know.
@Epsilon0 Okay, I say courage and now have to hit the fat

 

[Sensei]

@Sensei, you will never be odd for us, you will be unique
Even if you look around, it does not mean that here you will do exactly the same. Sometimes it's important to feel that you are in the community of same people like you. Being a rebel is a great reward! And you probably will never be different, but regardless of your past and present, we will be with you. Once a rebel always a rebel ;)
On your Birthday I want to wish you a fast recovery, and of course keep us updated on how you are doing!
Best wishes from depths of the sea :)

Well put, all of it. I've actually never felt that I've belonged in any community to 100 %, not even when I've been invited and welcomed. However, I do feel at home when I go to EBM events and when I'm here. I wish I could surround myself with interesting outliers in everyday life too.

 

[Epsilon0]

Why are we so badly wired? Why is the mould which shaped us so horribly askew?

Conform and be damned.
Don't conform and be damned.

@Underscore
I also wonder where the line goes.

@faust
Do you feel socially akward now?

@Sensei
Having all the things that your colleagues have is no guarantee for happiness. You could have the house, the partner, the kids, the dinner parties, the perfect health and still feel like the oldest and loneliest soul in the world.

It's all a smoke screen. It's all just distraction so we can forget there is no meaning to our existence and everything is futile.

We are all lonely beings moving aimlessly through time and space towards nothingness. We fool ourselves into believing we can fulfill the emptiness of our hearts and minds. But no amount of love or glory can
cure that gnawing feeling that something is amiss, that our lives are not as they should be.

You could go to all the parties in the world and still feel like the little girl with the matches in H. C. Andersen's story - cold, shaking, weak with hunger, standing outside with your nose pressed tightly to the frosty window pane, looking in, trying to catch a glimpse of the people inside.

We are all secrets to each other, we are all looking in from the outside, even when we are bonded by love, friendship or family ties.

We are incomprehensible to one another and doomed to be forever lonely.

 

[Sensei]

View attachment 31333
Happy birthday!

Thank you! How did you know that I love fungi, potato?

I'm nearly 48.

I'll be damned. I thought you were much younger. But then again, that's what people say to me too, both online and offline.

For me getting older is an absurd paradox.
They say youth is wasted on the young but I'd add (at least for me) age is wasted on the old.
I have changed as I've aged, as one does. My priorities have shifted and I now care about much more ephemeral things.
However, I miss the times when I had a simpler view of life, when it was more black and white.
I'll bastardise a quote here: fortune favours the young and age is the reward of the cautious.
My views have matured and in some ways I have more knowledge and potential understanding now I'm older.
But paradoxically, I have less power to do anything with that knowledge, partly because I'm older and weaker (from illness) but mostly because I've learned enough to see how badly things can go wrong and how wide ranging the consequences can be.
Age and understanding has left me more afraid. So even if I did have a deeper understanding, I'm more afraid to act then when I was younger.
Lol I spent my life sticking it to 'the Man' then one day, without realising it, I became 'the Man' myself.
So the more you know, the less you understand. I sometimes prefer the innocence of youth. I suppose I need to learn the benefits of age.

It makes sense. I don't agree with everything, though. I've also thought nostalgically about how much simpler my outlock on life was when I was younger. I was really thinking in black and white and I was even a political extremist. Just like you, I feel that the more I know, the less I understand. It's both liberating and frustrating to learn that there are so few, if any, absolute truths. However, the difference between the two of us is that I still act without fear. In fact, in many respects I'm more defiant and resulote than ever before in my life.

Is it ok if I am going to go ahead and rain on the parade and say that I would give anything to be normal...

@Epsilon0, I understand exactly what you mean. More than that, I wish I was really stupid, though. Then I wouldn't be able to understand how bad things really are.

Yeah, being an oddball is poetical, but so goddam unpractical. Especially if you are not cool-odd, but just weird-odd, such as me.

Not you, @Sensei, you are definitely cool-odd.

There has only been one cool-odd person throughout human history: