It's my birthday today. A big one too. Was dreading it for a loooong time. For years.
Earlier in this year there was actually something I was looking forward to about it though. I was gonna spend it with my girlfriend and she had planned a wonderful surprise for me that I was looking forward to. We even talked about it in September.
My life might be bad and I might not have wanted to hit this birthday but at least I had my girlfriend to spend the day with and a future to look forward to with her. I could know there was hope and still some happy days ahead!
Then she suddenly broke up with me in October kind of out of nowhere.
So what have I done today for my birthday so far? Slept in late cuz I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was so depressed. Still only slept about 5 hours. Woke up and immediately wanted to cry, missing her. Swiped Tinder on a day that was supposed to start with me waking up to her smiling face. Also felt pointless since I know I'm not gonna find anyone to date my ugly ass again. Looked at her Instagram just to be able to see her face again. Staying in bed I recorded an audio message talking to her that she will never hear. Just, you know, to be able to talk to her. Spent some time watching Youtube videos on what people did on their last day before a suicide attempt. Went to the r/SuicideBereavement subreddit and read the replies to a post asking people what they loved about their significant others who ended things. Read the replies about women who'd lost male significant others and cried a bunch of times because of how much these guys were valued. Wish I had someone who felt like that about me. Then got out of bed for the first time today to take a pee. And then sat down to write this message.
This birthday was gonna be a rough one no matter what, but it was supposed to be one where me and her were together. I was able to wake up next to her and kiss her and be with her and enjoy her surprise with her. I was supposed to wake up to her face and her smile, not Tinder and me crying over suicide bereavement posts.
If I had my method ready to go, I'd end it today. I considered just putting on my clothes and going to lay on the railway, but that'd be too messy and gruesome. Plus, there's a small chance of survival and if you survive you're in a way worse place. Also considered taking all of my sleeping pills with the bottle of vodka in my cabinet, but I know the chance that'll kill me is pretty low. And I'd probably just end up with liver damage.
I just hope this birthday is my last. I want it to be over.
Happy freaking birthday to me.
Earlier in this year there was actually something I was looking forward to about it though. I was gonna spend it with my girlfriend and she had planned a wonderful surprise for me that I was looking forward to. We even talked about it in September.
My life might be bad and I might not have wanted to hit this birthday but at least I had my girlfriend to spend the day with and a future to look forward to with her. I could know there was hope and still some happy days ahead!
Then she suddenly broke up with me in October kind of out of nowhere.
So what have I done today for my birthday so far? Slept in late cuz I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was so depressed. Still only slept about 5 hours. Woke up and immediately wanted to cry, missing her. Swiped Tinder on a day that was supposed to start with me waking up to her smiling face. Also felt pointless since I know I'm not gonna find anyone to date my ugly ass again. Looked at her Instagram just to be able to see her face again. Staying in bed I recorded an audio message talking to her that she will never hear. Just, you know, to be able to talk to her. Spent some time watching Youtube videos on what people did on their last day before a suicide attempt. Went to the r/SuicideBereavement subreddit and read the replies to a post asking people what they loved about their significant others who ended things. Read the replies about women who'd lost male significant others and cried a bunch of times because of how much these guys were valued. Wish I had someone who felt like that about me. Then got out of bed for the first time today to take a pee. And then sat down to write this message.
This birthday was gonna be a rough one no matter what, but it was supposed to be one where me and her were together. I was able to wake up next to her and kiss her and be with her and enjoy her surprise with her. I was supposed to wake up to her face and her smile, not Tinder and me crying over suicide bereavement posts.
If I had my method ready to go, I'd end it today. I considered just putting on my clothes and going to lay on the railway, but that'd be too messy and gruesome. Plus, there's a small chance of survival and if you survive you're in a way worse place. Also considered taking all of my sleeping pills with the bottle of vodka in my cabinet, but I know the chance that'll kill me is pretty low. And I'd probably just end up with liver damage.
I just hope this birthday is my last. I want it to be over.
Happy freaking birthday to me.
A not so happy b-day to you
