I've had a real switch in the last month thanks to this site, from wanting to CTB, to having everything planned. Yet its done a odd and irritating thing. I've become so relaxed that everything is sorted, that life feels easier now. In a funny way, this now puts me back from CTB, yet I know this relaxation only occurs because I am ready to go. Does this make sense to anyone?
Yes, that makes sense. You do feel o much more relaxed about CTB.
any%
Student
- May 2, 2019
- 168
It does to me. For myself I dont even have to know exactly what method because lets be honest. If you really want to die you dont care, you just jump or run in front of a train, everyone has access to at least one of those. Just the theoretical possibility that I can kill myself helped me to get through life the last 9 years and also gave me comfort.
That is because I know whatever will come I always have the option to just opt out of it all & that often kept me strong and willing to fight through something to see what lays behind and sometimes was happier than ever before. And the motivation to fight through and keep on going was deeply rooted in the thought that I always carry in my head: If it aint working out, I can still end myself.
That is because I know whatever will come I always have the option to just opt out of it all & that often kept me strong and willing to fight through something to see what lays behind and sometimes was happier than ever before. And the motivation to fight through and keep on going was deeply rooted in the thought that I always carry in my head: If it aint working out, I can still end myself.
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I've got everything also, except the cats. That relaxes me, and having less stress because of no job. It makes me postpone my ctb until it's the right moment.
I am pleased for you, I really am. I am at ease with myself although I stilln want to ctb.
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,704
I've always felt more secure with a lethal dose of something on hand. It means there's no rush. It means I have a choice. That's a great thing to have.
First loss
Specialist
- Jan 28, 2019
- 393
Yes. I have decided to ctb after the weekend is over and I write my suicide letters. I feel sad, but also relieved and relaxed. I'll also do some test runs. Hopefully things go well.
I know just what you mean! It's peculiar, isn't it? On the one hand it's annoying as hell to lose that desperation, the drive you know would carry you through. On the other hand, if life is easier and more survivable, if paths of life that were otherwise blocked might now be open, there's a chance of moving forward. It's the relief of not being cornered: you know you now have an escape route if you need it. It's damned difficult not taking that escape route, because it's a much shorter path, but accepting that it's the lifeboat, not the ship itself, is a mark of your integrity. Kudos to you for acknowledging that.
Goodness you have a beautiful turn of phrase!
