Venting Preparing for Suicide, Distance from Friends & Family

[MrSuicide]

I cut off all of my friends and completely avoid my family.


They were online friends which I hope will hurt them less. I'm sure my family is disappointed too but they haven't completely lost me yet. The reason I did was because I was getting ready to die, so keeping them close to me would have made them hurt harder after death. However I'm still coping with feelings of regret/guilt over this decision. I didn't give them any reason for why I was leaving (or never responding/spending time with my family). One still has contact with me but I've been ignoring them. I don't feel good about not giving them an explanation either, I wasn't sure what to say, how to face their reactions like a coward. I considered saying I had an illness and that I wasn't going to live longer so we should part ways but does that count if it's a mental illness? Isn't that terminology for something physical like cancer? It felt like I was lying.


It felt like I was lying about a lot of things actually, like they never really connected with the real me. Suicide is an instrinsic part of me now, a pattern in my brain. Whenever some bullshit is happening in my life I can look down and think "at least I'll be dead". While I was hiding my suicide, I felt senseless anger and despair towards them. How dare they be happy while I'm suffering, were they mocking me? How could they not notice my pain? Did they even care? And a lot of other garbage. I lashed out at a couple of them. The reality is that they were always better off without someone like me in their lives, even if they didn't realize it at the time. I just wish I could have done more to guarantee they wouldn't miss me. I considered becoming actually meaner towards them so they would have a reason to hate me after I leave but that felt like a shitty thing to do so I just didn't. I made everything worse though. I ruined everything.


Has anyone done something similar to this? I think my logic is (shitty but) logical. As logical as suicide can be anyways.


This post wasn't organized I apologize if things don't make sense

 

[astr4]

yes. quit my job quit therapy cut off friends ghosted people etc. still here for some stupid reason? it just made the interim shittier? idk man pros and cons, half a year ago i maybe would have said differently but idk. i really thought i could force my own hand ha but i'm still stuck in limbo.

 

[lnlybnny]

I'm not really emotionally connected towards family, I feel they're not family/relatives. Marority of them make me feel like an alien. Still I tried to be polite most of the times and visit some elderly ones, or ask how another one is doing, greetings and stuff. However lately I've been withdrawing even more. I always isolate but now it's definitely more intense. I feel a bit of guilt, it's a little unsettling but I'm trying not to care. I don't feel anyone truly cares about me anyway (not enough to care about my mental state) so why bother?

 

[SixNeufUn]

Yup. Ever since I was 18 I have been distancing from them, cutting off ties with my only friends. Since I am going to ctb I spoke about it to my online friends, with whom I spent my happiest moments in my life. I told them how much they meant for me and am always grateful for that. I have already told them I am going to ctb Idk if they think I am joking or not but its fine like that.


I don't expect them to understand me anyway since I have never talked about it for years and only recently. They have seen my behavior worsen over the years and even let me know, and some even ghosted me and I can understand since they weren't the only ones to tell me that.


I don't think I will miss that many people anyway. Or maybe, as they say "We notice the value of something only when we've lost it."

 

[needthebus]

completely understand. and it's one of those awful things: you may decide not to do it, and then you have to live with the consequences of having distanced yourself, even if you did it to be a good person

it's really hard, being sad is hard

i think whatever happens, give yourself some sympathy because i'm sure you're doing the best you can