Sylveon
Mage
- Oct 10, 2023
- 529
Can't believe it's been over a year since I joined this forum. I was 18 when I first registered, and now I'm going to be 20 in the next six months. So many people that I rooted for to recover are no longer in this world while I'm still here living by the day; maybe suicide really isn't a choice as we make it out to be; if I really suffered enough, I wouldn't be here right now writing this, right?
When I first joined this forum, I wasn't even thinking about immediately ending it all; I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere before coming to a decision. Fast forward to the day of writing this, and I can safely say that I did feel like I belonged somewhere where I could express myself without putting on a mask. Without getting too parasocial, I'll say that I didn't interact much in recent times because it felt genuinely painful knowing that someone I had looked up to just no longer exists in this world, and that and the fact that I barely get to breathe, lol.
Again, most of this is just me rambling yet again as I still don't have an answer to my "why do you really want to die?" Even when I aborted my attempt a couple of months earlier, there was something that stopped me, and it wasn't SI.
As for the present me that is writing this, I'm slowly but surely losing my sense of self; moving cities has been nothing but painful. I'm just painting over my fake self each passing day; I smile, I laugh, but I still hate it; this is not who I wish to be; I want to be happy but not like this; sometimes I cut to ground myself, but even that doesn't work anymore; and when my friends pointed out those cuts, I had no choice but to run away. I even told my family about my ideas, and not a day goes by where I don't wish that I hadn't.
P.S. This is a scheduled post; I may or may not be there to reply.
When I first joined this forum, I wasn't even thinking about immediately ending it all; I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere before coming to a decision. Fast forward to the day of writing this, and I can safely say that I did feel like I belonged somewhere where I could express myself without putting on a mask. Without getting too parasocial, I'll say that I didn't interact much in recent times because it felt genuinely painful knowing that someone I had looked up to just no longer exists in this world, and that and the fact that I barely get to breathe, lol.
Again, most of this is just me rambling yet again as I still don't have an answer to my "why do you really want to die?" Even when I aborted my attempt a couple of months earlier, there was something that stopped me, and it wasn't SI.
As for the present me that is writing this, I'm slowly but surely losing my sense of self; moving cities has been nothing but painful. I'm just painting over my fake self each passing day; I smile, I laugh, but I still hate it; this is not who I wish to be; I want to be happy but not like this; sometimes I cut to ground myself, but even that doesn't work anymore; and when my friends pointed out those cuts, I had no choice but to run away. I even told my family about my ideas, and not a day goes by where I don't wish that I hadn't.
P.S. This is a scheduled post; I may or may not be there to reply.
