illvoid
he/it
- Aug 11, 2022
- 152
Had the worst psychotic episode of my life about 2 weeks ago and had to push through it and "function" anyway, today would have been my sister's birthday if she was still here, I had to leave my home behind a few months ago and have since moved across the country, and my old roommate from Job Corps was killed in a hate crime earlier this year which caused me to fully feel and process grief for the first time.
I'm a trans man, but I have pretty much detransitioned despite still fully seeing myself as a man, because I don't have the fucking energy to essentially come out a second time in a new place where I can count on one hand the number of people I know. I felt an abstract fear before when it came to being trans, and while I was never naive enough to think that violence wasn't a possibility, it's different when that violence takes someone you truly cared about. It's not abstract anymore, it's no longer a vague threat of losing access to medications or having to leave the South behind. My friend is dead. I fear for my fiancee's life now. I don't fear for my own, I know I'm unlikely to ever be targeted as a white trans man who no longer looks "queer" in any way, that's why I have detransitioned. It's not as if I no longer deal with dysphoria, and I am still out to the people closest to me, but I am no longer outwardly myself. As hard as that is, it was the best decision for me at this time.
I finally got a job or whatever, it's a shitty fast food job and I somehow manage to be terrible at it even though it should be easy. Bills get paid, albeit barely, but I'll call that good. I am barely holding it together enough to hold down this job, but I'm trying. I've been drinking heavily, which I know is not healthy but it's better than getting back on benzos. I don't know who I am or what to do anymore. I will never see my sister at age 30, and six years ago when she died I was so emotionally blunted that I could not feel that grief. It wasn't until my friend died earlier this year that something changed, it felt like something in me snapped under the pressure. Like I had no room left to keep repressing those feelings, and I am feeling them for the first time as a grown adult like some kind of fucking alien creature. I can't do this, I feel like I'm drowning in my own brain. At least with things being the way they are right now, my schizophrenia feels almost like a footnote. That's new.
I'm a trans man, but I have pretty much detransitioned despite still fully seeing myself as a man, because I don't have the fucking energy to essentially come out a second time in a new place where I can count on one hand the number of people I know. I felt an abstract fear before when it came to being trans, and while I was never naive enough to think that violence wasn't a possibility, it's different when that violence takes someone you truly cared about. It's not abstract anymore, it's no longer a vague threat of losing access to medications or having to leave the South behind. My friend is dead. I fear for my fiancee's life now. I don't fear for my own, I know I'm unlikely to ever be targeted as a white trans man who no longer looks "queer" in any way, that's why I have detransitioned. It's not as if I no longer deal with dysphoria, and I am still out to the people closest to me, but I am no longer outwardly myself. As hard as that is, it was the best decision for me at this time.
I finally got a job or whatever, it's a shitty fast food job and I somehow manage to be terrible at it even though it should be easy. Bills get paid, albeit barely, but I'll call that good. I am barely holding it together enough to hold down this job, but I'm trying. I've been drinking heavily, which I know is not healthy but it's better than getting back on benzos. I don't know who I am or what to do anymore. I will never see my sister at age 30, and six years ago when she died I was so emotionally blunted that I could not feel that grief. It wasn't until my friend died earlier this year that something changed, it felt like something in me snapped under the pressure. Like I had no room left to keep repressing those feelings, and I am feeling them for the first time as a grown adult like some kind of fucking alien creature. I can't do this, I feel like I'm drowning in my own brain. At least with things being the way they are right now, my schizophrenia feels almost like a footnote. That's new.
