Venting Goodbye

[1000YellowDaffodils]

I'm going tonight. I planned on leaving my house and doing this around some woods, but right as I was about to leave I felt all this panic. Typical. I'd be walking 1.5 miles in the open with this bulky sleeping bag on my back and even though I'm sure no one is out driving right now I feel like I'm going to get stopped by the police for looking suspicious and end up back in the hospital. I am positive I am dying tonight, I've fasted for 3-4 days, got my SN and back up SN mixed and sitting next to me, but I feel stuck. I don't know why I keep thinking I'll be able to do things outside of my room. Being like this is the reason why I'm doing it. I can't stand myself. In my final hours I'm not even going to try to be a little considerate of my family members who live here. I'm selfish. I'm too anxious to go outside alone, it's cold out, and I don't want to stumble around a dark trail, I want to go to sleep in my bed. I know my mother is going to find me and I know I'm a terrible person. Maybe some would argue a random stranger finding me is worse than a family member? Probably not. Maybe I shouldn't have to go pick a hole to die in for making my own life choice and be allowed to die comfortably. I'm sure at least one of my other family members will die in this house and that's not upsetting. I mean that they will die in the house, not that the death wouldn't be upsetting. I guess it's just the act of killing yourself or murder that makes a place creepy. The realtors don't have to disclose that though lol. I'm awful, I've known my whole life and so has everyone else, it only makes sense that the last thing I do is a huge dick move. I guess since I'm doing it here I might wait until my mom leaves for work because I know if I don't read her happy birthday text to me she'll probably find me too soon. Everyone knows birthday season is suicide season, I'm very predictable lol. Literally doing this to take all the problems away and yet every aspect of it causes me stress just like everything else in the world, but not doing it will only cause more stress and pain in the long run and I don't want to be here. I was feeling so good all day looking forward to this, checking everything off my list and then I freeze at the most important part. My mood is probably dropping too because I'm tired and just want to get this over with and I want food. Fuck it, I'm doing it here. I'll drink the SN around 6/7am.

Goodbye everyone. I was never very active on here, but whenever I did post I got some of the kindest, most understanding replies in comparison to what I've heard my whole life. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Viranamari]

Goodbye. I hope things work out the way you want them to work out. Also, you might want to rethink your choice of CTB. But either way, your choice is respected. I hope you get your deserved freedom.

 

[missingpeace]

I don't blame you for not wanting to do it out in the woods, a place needs to feel comfortable, I'm thinking of doing it at home, too.. I'm sorry life has brought you to this point, I hope that your transition will be peace.

 

[EmptyCatalyst]

farewell, I hope you don't feel much discomfort and things go as you hope. I pray you find peace on the other side

 

[Caoine01]

You may find more peace when you have found the place where you want to find your death. I wish for you you should have an easy and carefree transition. I wish you that you can be satisfied in the next life.

 

[devoutweiss]

I'm going tonight. I planned on leaving my house and doing this around some woods, but right as I was about to leave I felt all this panic. Typical. I'd be walking 1.5 miles in the open with this bulky sleeping bag on my back and even though I'm sure no one is out driving right now I feel like I'm going to get stopped by the police for looking suspicious and end up back in the hospital. I am positive I am dying tonight, I've fasted for 3-4 days, got my SN and back up SN mixed and sitting next to me, but I feel stuck. I don't know why I keep thinking I'll be able to do things outside of my room. Being like this is the reason why I'm doing it. I can't stand myself. In my final hours I'm not even going to try to be a little considerate of my family members who live here. I'm selfish. I'm too anxious to go outside alone, it's cold out, and I don't want to stumble around a dark trail, I want to go to sleep in my bed. I know my mother is going to find me and I know I'm a terrible person. Maybe some would argue a random stranger finding me is worse than a family member? Probably not. Maybe I shouldn't have to go pick a hole to die in for making my own life choice and be allowed to die comfortably. I'm sure at least one of my other family members will die in this house and that's not upsetting. I mean that they will die in the house, not that the death wouldn't be upsetting. I guess it's just the act of killing yourself or murder that makes a place creepy. The realtors don't have to disclose that though lol. I'm awful, I've known my whole life and so has everyone else, it only makes sense that the last thing I do is a huge dick move. I guess since I'm doing it here I might wait until my mom leaves for work because I know if I don't read her happy birthday text to me she'll probably find me too soon. Everyone knows birthday season is suicide season, I'm very predictable lol. Literally doing this to take all the problems away and yet every aspect of it causes me stress just like everything else in the world, but not doing it will only cause more stress and pain in the long run and I don't want to be here. I was feeling so good all day looking forward to this, checking everything off my list and then I freeze at the most important part. My mood is probably dropping too because I'm tired and just want to get this over with and I want food. Fuck it, I'm doing it here. I'll drink the SN around 6/7am.

Goodbye everyone. I was never very active on here, but whenever I did post I got some of the kindest, most understanding replies in comparison to what I've heard my whole life. Wishing you all the best.

I hope its relaxing, easy, and comforting. See you soon.

 

[Shivali]

Good luck

 

[1000YellowDaffodils]

Took SN. Gonna listen to music and go to sleep.

 

[Amakishiyo]

Hope you fall asleep fast and peacefully, my heart goes out to you.

 

[stoopid]

May death comforts you, good ride
Good luck, we see us all on the other side

 

[Venus13]

May this be a soft transition and peaceful rest for your thoughtful soul.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[lukas19]

Took SN. Gonna listen to music and go to sleep.

x

 

[nance]

Hope you find peace.

 

[ctbforme]

Best of luck hope you find the peace you were looking for

 

[FuneralCry]

Goodbye and best wishes, I hope that you find freedom from all suffering.

 

[booplesnoot34]

Remember it's never too late to change your mind if you come to feel it's not your time yet. Maybe still try to go to the woods if you can muster up the strength.

 

[Tartuffe]

❤

 

[SilentSadness]

Sounds like your mind is troubled, I hope you find peace in your choice.

 

[Ruma]

Good luck for a swift and peaceful passing x

 

[AngryDog]

Took SN. Gonna listen to music and go to sleep.

If you are still here and there's a tiny part of you that still wants to live, you can pm me if you want.

 

[LateForTheBus]

These posts make me sad. Even though we're all here for the same reason....even though I myself will be making a goodbye post sooner rather than later....I'm still sad when any one of us actually ends it.

Safe travels. I hope you find the peace you seek (and deserve.)

 

[outrider567]

Think she's gone...peace to her

 

[RichardFirst]

I hope that you find the peace that you seek.

 

[AVeryLazySloth]

May you rest in peace

 

[zeenatax]

RIP

 

[philia]

rest well, friend

 

[Source Energy]

OP is in the light now...good for them. Though so sad, the entire thing, our lives, the suffering, the ending...RIP.

Encouraging to read another successful ctb with SN. I'll have a bye thread myself probably before the summer...

 

[thevaccumguy]

You deserved better. Goodbye. Hope you find peace.

 

[Octavia]

Clear skies.