J
jolongone
Student
- Feb 24, 2023
- 148
GTook SN. Gonna listen to music and go to sleep
Goodbye and l hope you have a peaceful journeyI'm going tonight. I planned on leaving my house and doing this around some woods, but right as I was about to leave I felt all this panic. Typical. I'd be walking 1.5 miles in the open with this bulky sleeping bag on my back and even though I'm sure no one is out driving right now I feel like I'm going to get stopped by the police for looking suspicious and end up back in the hospital. I am positive I am dying tonight, I've fasted for 3-4 days, got my SN and back up SN mixed and sitting next to me, but I feel stuck. I don't know why I keep thinking I'll be able to do things outside of my room. Being like this is the reason why I'm doing it. I can't stand myself. In my final hours I'm not even going to try to be a little considerate of my family members who live here. I'm selfish. I'm too anxious to go outside alone, it's cold out, and I don't want to stumble around a dark trail, I want to go to sleep in my bed. I know my mother is going to find me and I know I'm a terrible person. Maybe some would argue a random stranger finding me is worse than a family member? Probably not. Maybe I shouldn't have to go pick a hole to die in for making my own life choice and be allowed to die comfortably. I'm sure at least one of my other family members will die in this house and that's not upsetting. I mean that they will die in the house, not that the death wouldn't be upsetting. I guess it's just the act of killing yourself or murder that makes a place creepy. The realtors don't have to disclose that though lol. I'm awful, I've known my whole life and so has everyone else, it only makes sense that the last thing I do is a huge dick move. I guess since I'm doing it here I might wait until my mom leaves for work because I know if I don't read her happy birthday text to me she'll probably find me too soon. Everyone knows birthday season is suicide season, I'm very predictable lol. Literally doing this to take all the problems away and yet every aspect of it causes me stress just like everything else in the world, but not doing it will only cause more stress and pain in the long run and I don't want to be here. I was feeling so good all day looking forward to this, checking everything off my list and then I freeze at the most important part. My mood is probably dropping too because I'm tired and just want to get this over with and I want food. Fuck it, I'm doing it here. I'll drink the SN around 6/7am.
Goodbye everyone. I was never very active on here, but whenever I did post I got some of the kindest, most understanding replies in comparison to what I've heard my whole life. Wishing you all the best.
