TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
Initially I was planning to ctb on 14th February, Valentine's Day. However, after a series of disappointments, on top being the failure resulted from trying to act upon one of my last wishes, to talk with a certain person, but he refused to, I decided to do it earlier. Because, I'm not worth anything and I also realized that I was prolonging my suffering for nothing.
Then, I decided to do it on a whatever day seemed fit to ctb one week before 14th. Again, big mistake. I can't prolong my suffering anymore even for days, let alone weeks. Plus, there were many signs these days that pointed towards to that I should suicide.
And so, here I am, earlier, and a bit unexpected, but I got to do it.
One of the main reasons I'm going to do it is poverty and the inevitable situation of becoming homeless.
Another main reason that I'm going to do it is because of humans, my main source of suffering. I've been trampled on over and over again by them. I was betrayed, exploited, tortured, traumatized, bullied, let down, had my heart broken billion of times, used, made fun of, ostracized. And it all started from the very first people that I met in this cursed life: my "parents".
The last top reason is loneliness. I've experienced loneliness about 98% of my life. It's beyond awful to be the odd one out there no matter what, to see how other people get along well with each other and are loved, cared for, appreciated and worshipped. While I'm here left wondering what did I do? It's as if I committed every crime possible, but I didn't! What's wrong with me? Why can't I have what everyone else has?
There were about 3 exceptions in my life, but all short lasting and each of them ended tragically. Last one really impacted me and even to this day I feel beyond empty. He was my spiritual twin and I've been thinking about him every single day since then.
Even if it's not Valentine's Day, my statement still stands. My ctb is a statement of how "loved" I was in this life. It's a statement of how constantly ostracizing a person who did nothing wrong can affect them in such a way that they lose their mind and can barely do anything anymore. It's a statement of how little to no love and care does to someone. A statement of what happens when you keep telling a person "You're not entitled to/ go to therapist" when they tell you they want someone to talk to/ be cared for/ be loved, because these are so essential just like food and water.
All of these will be lost to me soon. And I can't believe it. No more suffering, no more humans, no more grief, no more nothing. I will escape. I will be saved. I'll have my hand taken by the sweet warm death. I'll be comforted. I'll be at... at home.
I will still miss my kitty. Also thunderstorms.
I hope that one of these scenarios will happen after I die: eternal sleep or an afterlife with no pain and suffering where I will meet him.
Besides a statement, this post is also meant to document CTB with SN method, one in which I won't use AE, but will use an antacid that isn't on the recommendation list. We need more documentations like this because not everyone has access to what's recommended, so they have to resort to alternatives.
Here's my plan in summary.
So I fasted for 8-9 hours, no liquids two-three hours before taking SN (except for when I take the meds).
20 minutes before taking Paracetamol I tested the two SN that I have by doing the blood test. For the first SN that I ordered, the blood turned dark brown in less than 30 seconds on all tries. The second one though, the results varied. First time the blood turned dark brown in less than 30 seconds, but for the next tries it took much more time for the blood to turn dark brown. So I'm going with the first one.
At 16:00 (4 PM) my time I took 1000mg of paracetamol.
16:15: pass because I have no AE (initially ordered Meclizine which was the only available for me but it was arriving way too late so I gave up on it)
16:30: 3 x Rennie antacid
17:00: Party
How do I plan the SN drinks: I will drink two and will have a third as a backup. First one will have 30g in 50ml water (I know that recommended is 25, but I'm fat as fuck so I want to be sure), the other two 25g in 50ml water. I will drink it with a straw and will suck on a chocolate in between. If I throw up a lot I'll drink from the third one too.
Before I will also take some security and privacy measures such as deleting my browser history everywhere, chats where I talked about ctb etc.
I also wrote a IRL note where I just said that I want to be cremated after.
If I don't have any kind of activity for weeks it means I'm officially dead.
Here's hoping that I succeed.
Thanks.
PS: writing this on the go so first update after I drink the SN will be here before actually posting and then I'll keep updating.
Update: took the two cups later than expected cause I had rphlems with dissolving. Taste isn't that bad , just as if you ate a whole pack of salt. Rn my heart beats fast and I'm dizzy and a bit nausepus
Update 2: I feel like throwing up so much
Then, I decided to do it on a whatever day seemed fit to ctb one week before 14th. Again, big mistake. I can't prolong my suffering anymore even for days, let alone weeks. Plus, there were many signs these days that pointed towards to that I should suicide.
And so, here I am, earlier, and a bit unexpected, but I got to do it.
One of the main reasons I'm going to do it is poverty and the inevitable situation of becoming homeless.
Another main reason that I'm going to do it is because of humans, my main source of suffering. I've been trampled on over and over again by them. I was betrayed, exploited, tortured, traumatized, bullied, let down, had my heart broken billion of times, used, made fun of, ostracized. And it all started from the very first people that I met in this cursed life: my "parents".
The last top reason is loneliness. I've experienced loneliness about 98% of my life. It's beyond awful to be the odd one out there no matter what, to see how other people get along well with each other and are loved, cared for, appreciated and worshipped. While I'm here left wondering what did I do? It's as if I committed every crime possible, but I didn't! What's wrong with me? Why can't I have what everyone else has?
There were about 3 exceptions in my life, but all short lasting and each of them ended tragically. Last one really impacted me and even to this day I feel beyond empty. He was my spiritual twin and I've been thinking about him every single day since then.
Even if it's not Valentine's Day, my statement still stands. My ctb is a statement of how "loved" I was in this life. It's a statement of how constantly ostracizing a person who did nothing wrong can affect them in such a way that they lose their mind and can barely do anything anymore. It's a statement of how little to no love and care does to someone. A statement of what happens when you keep telling a person "You're not entitled to/ go to therapist" when they tell you they want someone to talk to/ be cared for/ be loved, because these are so essential just like food and water.
All of these will be lost to me soon. And I can't believe it. No more suffering, no more humans, no more grief, no more nothing. I will escape. I will be saved. I'll have my hand taken by the sweet warm death. I'll be comforted. I'll be at... at home.
I will still miss my kitty. Also thunderstorms.
I hope that one of these scenarios will happen after I die: eternal sleep or an afterlife with no pain and suffering where I will meet him.
Besides a statement, this post is also meant to document CTB with SN method, one in which I won't use AE, but will use an antacid that isn't on the recommendation list. We need more documentations like this because not everyone has access to what's recommended, so they have to resort to alternatives.
Here's my plan in summary.
So I fasted for 8-9 hours, no liquids two-three hours before taking SN (except for when I take the meds).
20 minutes before taking Paracetamol I tested the two SN that I have by doing the blood test. For the first SN that I ordered, the blood turned dark brown in less than 30 seconds on all tries. The second one though, the results varied. First time the blood turned dark brown in less than 30 seconds, but for the next tries it took much more time for the blood to turn dark brown. So I'm going with the first one.
At 16:00 (4 PM) my time I took 1000mg of paracetamol.
16:15: pass because I have no AE (initially ordered Meclizine which was the only available for me but it was arriving way too late so I gave up on it)
16:30: 3 x Rennie antacid
17:00: Party
How do I plan the SN drinks: I will drink two and will have a third as a backup. First one will have 30g in 50ml water (I know that recommended is 25, but I'm fat as fuck so I want to be sure), the other two 25g in 50ml water. I will drink it with a straw and will suck on a chocolate in between. If I throw up a lot I'll drink from the third one too.
Before I will also take some security and privacy measures such as deleting my browser history everywhere, chats where I talked about ctb etc.
I also wrote a IRL note where I just said that I want to be cremated after.
If I don't have any kind of activity for weeks it means I'm officially dead.
Here's hoping that I succeed.
Thanks.
PS: writing this on the go so first update after I drink the SN will be here before actually posting and then I'll keep updating.
Update: took the two cups later than expected cause I had rphlems with dissolving. Taste isn't that bad , just as if you ate a whole pack of salt. Rn my heart beats fast and I'm dizzy and a bit nausepus
Update 2: I feel like throwing up so much
