Venting Going nowhere, haven't done anything, and not wanting to be anything

[graveflower]

anyone else struggling with the realization that not only have they not accomplished anything, they are also seriously behind in life and not ever going to do anything meaningful? as of late its become more apparent to me how far behind i am on important developmental milestones, and how i am stuck working a low-end job that i have no plans to get out of. still living with a parent. dropped out of college. never had a proper irl boyfriend or any real dating experience- lacking a proper social circle, and i only really have one or two people that i can actually talk to about more casual things. otherwise i am a low-level shut-in. i have no prospects. its not like i dont have interests. i do. but those are seeming more lackluster everyday and i kinda just don't want to be anything in my life. nothing has been fun for me in years and i dont have any motivation. i just don't want to participate in any of it. its tiring and feels meaningless and the realization of how inconsequential i am to those who i had initially presumed to care about me has made me finally grasp: "fuck, i really dont have a thing."- but i guess i've secretly known that for a while.

I just don't see a future where I am a proactive, contributing adult doing things that i used to think i wanted. sick and tired of wasting resources and existing, suspended in nothing and just getting older. I wish I had never been born so that I wouldn't have ever had the concept of death. it still frightens me a bit, but I think I'm slowly getting over it. the one thing that brings me peace of mind is being out in the woods, and all I think I really want to do is to die where i'm content and become "one" with it, I guess. I'm a tree-hugger.

i feel like a husk that's just going through the motions and doing what i need to get to the next rare social outing or whatever will bring me temporary gratification. there were once things that i thought maybe could've been a direction, but i just don't want to anymore.

im sick of being isolated and alone but i don't want to be bothered. sick of having to commit to expectations that i never asked to have. i know i need to make myself do something meaningful, but i just don't want to do it. i don't see a future for myself. any concept of myself in a few years from now is black. i've come to understand and accept that i'm something that's mostly tolerated but not really liked. there are people who say they like me or they care about me, but it doesn't ever seem to be as much as i do for them. i'm always disposable, never the "favorite" anything or anyone's first pick. the second its more convenient to throw me under the bus, people do so- and i wonder if maybe i'm somehow the one that's at fault for it. even in scenarios where i know very well that i behaved fairly. i also know im not perfect but neither is anyone else and i give so much benefit-of-the-doubt to people that i shouldnt. i like to think i have a large emotional capacity but in reality its always just a low, steady and painful hum in my background. im growing to resent everything around me. i don't think any amount of therapy is going to change my line of thinking. i've already talked to, against, around, above, and below my own thoughts related to this kind of thing and I still don't see any point in going forward. i've heard every typical argument for why i need to keep going or why things aren't so bad, yada yada. i just exist until something takes me out. i think i want tonight to be the night, but don't take that sentiment too seriously because i'm a chicken shit about this kind of thing even though it crosses my mind every day.

if anyone took the time to read all of this rambling, i do appreciate it- thank you.

 

[LastPenance]

I relate, I also haven't really accomplished anything, and I'm seriously behind in life. I dropped out of school and I've never had a job, failed almost all my classes most of highschool, and got held back several times. Not in college either. I can also relate to not having a proper social circle, as I have no friends in real life. I hope that things get better for you eventually, or that you find peace. I wish you luck

 

[Wojaczek]

same, i don't want to accomplish or be anything in this world, why am i not allowed to do that?

 

[graveflower]

same, i don't want to accomplish or be anything in this world, why am i not allowed to do that?

haha, hey there. i chickened out (go figure). i guess the general observation i've made is that we're all kinda expected to function in the big societal machine to keep it running. i can't act like i'm entirely against the idea and on better days, i find that being in the service of others also brings me some shred of happiness. but when someone just simply doesn't wanna participate in that, there must be something wrong with them. i understand their logic, or why they come to that conclusion about those people, but its so frustrating when none of us really asked to be put on this planet. i understand why they simply just can't let us disengage from society entirely but i wish they would. the pressures that are put on us are heavy and it seems that a lot of our value on a societal level comes from what we can provide and how much we can do for others. but just doing stuff for others isn't enough- and that's why some people feel okay shitting on those who work lower-end jobs...even though they are providing a role in society. reporting to work is getting more difficult. if i still had passion in myself, i'd just want to exist and be valued on the basis of being a person alone. not what utilities i can provide or how functional i am.

I relate, I also haven't really accomplished anything, and I'm seriously behind in life. I dropped out of school and I've never had a job, failed almost all my classes most of highschool, and got held back several times. Not in college either. I can also relate to not having a proper social circle, as I have no friends in real life. I hope that things get better for you eventually, or that you find peace. I wish you luck

I'm sorry to hear that you're in the position you're in. it doesn't feel sustainable to carry on like this. i wish you the best of luck as well- and that we both can find one way or another to move on from stagnating like this, however that might be.

 

[PanaxMan]

anyone else struggling with the realization that not only have they not accomplished anything, they are also seriously behind in life and not ever going to do anything meaningful? as of late its become more apparent to me how far behind i am on important developmental milestones, and how i am stuck working a low-end job that i have no plans to get out of. still living with a parent. dropped out of college. never had a proper irl boyfriend or any real dating experience- lacking a proper social circle, and i only really have one or two people that i can actually talk to about more casual things. otherwise i am a low-level shut-in. i have no prospects. its not like i dont have interests. i do. but those are seeming more lackluster everyday and i kinda just don't want to be anything in my life. nothing has been fun for me in years and i dont have any motivation. i just don't want to participate in any of it. its tiring and feels meaningless and the realization of how inconsequential i am to those who i had initially presumed to care about me has made me finally grasp: "fuck, i really dont have a thing."- but i guess i've secretly known that for a while.

I just don't see a future where I am a proactive, contributing adult doing things that i used to think i wanted. sick and tired of wasting resources and existing, suspended in nothing and just getting older. I wish I had never been born so that I wouldn't have ever had the concept of death. it still frightens me a bit, but I think I'm slowly getting over it. the one thing that brings me peace of mind is being out in the woods, and all I think I really want to do is to die where i'm content and become "one" with it, I guess. I'm a tree-hugger.

i feel like a husk that's just going through the motions and doing what i need to get to the next rare social outing or whatever will bring me temporary gratification. there were once things that i thought maybe could've been a direction, but i just don't want to anymore.

im sick of being isolated and alone but i don't want to be bothered. sick of having to commit to expectations that i never asked to have. i know i need to make myself do something meaningful, but i just don't want to do it. i don't see a future for myself. any concept of myself in a few years from now is black. i've come to understand and accept that i'm something that's mostly tolerated but not really liked. there are people who say they like me or they care about me, but it doesn't ever seem to be as much as i do for them. i'm always disposable, never the "favorite" anything or anyone's first pick. the second its more convenient to throw me under the bus, people do so- and i wonder if maybe i'm somehow the one that's at fault for it. even in scenarios where i know very well that i behaved fairly. i also know im not perfect but neither is anyone else and i give so much benefit-of-the-doubt to people that i shouldnt. i like to think i have a large emotional capacity but in reality its always just a low, steady and painful hum in my background. im growing to resent everything around me. i don't think any amount of therapy is going to change my line of thinking. i've already talked to, against, around, above, and below my own thoughts related to this kind of thing and I still don't see any point in going forward. i've heard every typical argument for why i need to keep going or why things aren't so bad, yada yada. i just exist until something takes me out. i think i want tonight to be the night, but don't take that sentiment too seriously because i'm a chicken shit about this kind of thing even though it crosses my mind every day.

if anyone took the time to read all of this rambling, i do appreciate it- thank you.

This is gonna be me pretty soon. For some reason I don't feel the same way as you do. Maybe it's cuz I'm extremely lazy due to extreme burnout in my childhood. It's nice to know that there are other people like me although I do know there are hundreds maybe even hundreds of thousands of clones of myself out there in the big blue ball we all exist in.