skeletontree
ēæ¼ćę¬²ćć...
- Aug 6, 2023
- 23
I've often wondered whether there are others who feel or have had a similar experience when it comes to their existence and their reasons for wanting to ctb. It's the first time I'm trying to write down what I actually feel from the perspective of my internal world (it's a bit abstract, but I think you might get the idea). Feel free to respond, or if you have questions or can relate to aspects.
---
There used to be a child who grew up without a safe space, a safe person, or even a safe state. Instead, it faced violence, neglect, and abuse (sexual and psychological). When that child turned 13, the violence culminated (that's when the sexual abuse happened), and it killed the child; it was gone forever (psychological/ego death?). No one witnessed it, no one even knew that it "died". But the body remained, hollow and poisoned. So whatever might emerge or inhabit the body from that moment on would be poisoned too.
And then, out of all that violence, like a byproduct, something different emerged: a ghost-like entity (me). It was not the child, nor did it feel any connection or continuity with the child. Some broken fragments of the child were inherited by the ghost, but without the emotions or fears attached to them. It felt more like archive material, the story of someone else (identity built upon dissociation / split identity as a defensive mechanism?).
The ghost carried this "I'm already dead" feeling from the moment it was born out of violence. But that was not all. The ghost was also trapped between two worlds: an internal world ("ghost-like / already dead") and a social world ("masking / body as a container / living beings perceiving me as just another human"). The ghost made sure that the world of the living (the social world) would not crash into the internal one, because that would pose a risk or threat to the only mission/desire it has: to end this existence permanently, to complete or finish the story of the child. Not only is the outcome important, but also the "how", the method.
That is: to ctb as peaceful as possible (eg. SN): to leave quietly, deliberately, without chaos. It will still be painful (mentally) and rough to get through, but it is exactly what I want. With all the consequences (no return/no more chances/participation/existence). That is what everything is about for me (the ghost), what keeps me away from disintegrating or stagnationā¦ my whole identity, the only thing I want to do. Authorship of the ending, not of existence, not of life, but the ending. A self-chosen tragic ending. That is also what I've been training and rehearsing for, over and over again. Or to make it more poetic: I did not choose the beginning. I only want to choose the last page.
The ghost is highly analytical (while also carrying empathy and some emotions, but only outward, not inward toward itself) and has a fully functioning, closed-loop structure. There is even an internal hierarchy that prioritizes different aspects. It looks something like this:
The ghost also learned mimicry (language, social identity, behavior, etc.) as a tool to minimize potential interference. It is not driven by pain or the wish for "relief" through death, but by the desire to finish a story. It is highly aware of all the different paths and possibilities (and different possible future versions) that might exist, but it rejects all of them because it rejects life/existence (positive, neutral, or negative participation) in its entirety. Life/existence is not black and white, and neither are death and everything else, from the ghost's perspective.
The ghost is also aware that it is not "literally already dead." It understands how traumatic experiences work and how they caused all of this, but that knowledge does not change anything for the ghost. There is only one exact way it wants the story to end: to achieve "death" through its own actions, as peacefully as possible.
It carries no desire for life, survival, joy, or happiness. This also meant that whenever society tried to "fix" the ghost through therapy (nine years, various forms), it always ended with the same result: no change. Therapy can only work in certain cases, and usually only when both sides genuinely work together.
The goal/mission (ctb and the possibility of it) functions like a stabilizer, but it has also become the only drive, purpose, or pivot of the identity.
-> "The system achieves stability by sacrificing the subject. It prevents harm replication outward, at the cost of self-erasure inward."
It is like an internal mythology (a defensive mechanism) that developed after the child "died." The ghost also has small rehearsal rituals (e.g., self-written songs and tattoos) to reinforce its fortress and pave the path toward the goal. Writing things down (like this text) is one way to speed up time, but also kinda a ritual itself?
Now, shifting from the analytical perspective to the emotional side: the effects of trauma on the body are persistent: exhaustion, pain, flashbacks, intrusions, and so on. So yes, there is a lot of pain, extreme pain, which of course plays a key role in how and why the ghost became what it is.
I think one of the most exhausting parts is masking all the time, to be hyper-vigilant 24/7: scanning every room, every tone shift, every micro-expression. Smiling at the right moment. Nodding when expected. Saying "I'm fine" with the correct intonation. Performing "aliveness". It's like another nightmare, draining energy, but not enough to make me change course/direction.
But most of that happens in the social world. The internal world feels more like calm, numb, clear, analytical. Inside, there is no noise. No one else. Only structure.
It's like an entirely different ontology, with its own values and structure. And also with sidequests (for as long as they don't interfere with the main one): supporting others (animals/friends/people with similar experience) and reducing as much violence in the social world as possible. -> I prevent harm from spilling outward = If it must exist, I will not replicate the violence I came from.
But yeah, the act of ctb could also be defined/seen as one act of violence (depending on your ontology/value-system). But in my case it has one specific distinction: it is self-chosen and directed inward. That also means: I try to minimize the impact of my "death" as much as I can, without falling for the illusion, that it won't create new pain or trauma (for friends or others). My (ghost) existence = my decision to end or continue it.
---
Is there anyone here who has a similar internal world/feeling/identity/story? If so, have you ever told anyone about it before? When did you realize you were stuck between two worlds? And how does it feel? Does yours feel coherent internally? Mine for example kinda feels coherent, but I also wouldn't care if it were incoherent or deemed wrong by others.
(P.S. The word "ghost" is just one attempt to describe this identity/internal world. There are no real words that can 1:1 describe how it actually feels to me.)
---
There used to be a child who grew up without a safe space, a safe person, or even a safe state. Instead, it faced violence, neglect, and abuse (sexual and psychological). When that child turned 13, the violence culminated (that's when the sexual abuse happened), and it killed the child; it was gone forever (psychological/ego death?). No one witnessed it, no one even knew that it "died". But the body remained, hollow and poisoned. So whatever might emerge or inhabit the body from that moment on would be poisoned too.
And then, out of all that violence, like a byproduct, something different emerged: a ghost-like entity (me). It was not the child, nor did it feel any connection or continuity with the child. Some broken fragments of the child were inherited by the ghost, but without the emotions or fears attached to them. It felt more like archive material, the story of someone else (identity built upon dissociation / split identity as a defensive mechanism?).
The ghost carried this "I'm already dead" feeling from the moment it was born out of violence. But that was not all. The ghost was also trapped between two worlds: an internal world ("ghost-like / already dead") and a social world ("masking / body as a container / living beings perceiving me as just another human"). The ghost made sure that the world of the living (the social world) would not crash into the internal one, because that would pose a risk or threat to the only mission/desire it has: to end this existence permanently, to complete or finish the story of the child. Not only is the outcome important, but also the "how", the method.
That is: to ctb as peaceful as possible (eg. SN): to leave quietly, deliberately, without chaos. It will still be painful (mentally) and rough to get through, but it is exactly what I want. With all the consequences (no return/no more chances/participation/existence). That is what everything is about for me (the ghost), what keeps me away from disintegrating or stagnationā¦ my whole identity, the only thing I want to do. Authorship of the ending, not of existence, not of life, but the ending. A self-chosen tragic ending. That is also what I've been training and rehearsing for, over and over again. Or to make it more poetic: I did not choose the beginning. I only want to choose the last page.
The ghost is highly analytical (while also carrying empathy and some emotions, but only outward, not inward toward itself) and has a fully functioning, closed-loop structure. There is even an internal hierarchy that prioritizes different aspects. It looks something like this:
- Autonomy / Authorship: Absolute priority; interference is perceived as violence/threats.
- Ending on One's Own Terms (suicide): Ensures control and completion; tightly bound to identity. Control is deliberately surrendered in the final moment (suicide/death).
- Stability / Mental Integrity: Analytical clarity, planning, and controlled emotional engagement. Only needed to complete the story/mission (ctb/permanent non-consciousness).
- Ongoing Life: Lowest or no priority; actively undesired unless unavoidable (maintenance of minimal bodily functions to reach the main mission/goals).
The ghost also learned mimicry (language, social identity, behavior, etc.) as a tool to minimize potential interference. It is not driven by pain or the wish for "relief" through death, but by the desire to finish a story. It is highly aware of all the different paths and possibilities (and different possible future versions) that might exist, but it rejects all of them because it rejects life/existence (positive, neutral, or negative participation) in its entirety. Life/existence is not black and white, and neither are death and everything else, from the ghost's perspective.
The ghost is also aware that it is not "literally already dead." It understands how traumatic experiences work and how they caused all of this, but that knowledge does not change anything for the ghost. There is only one exact way it wants the story to end: to achieve "death" through its own actions, as peacefully as possible.
It carries no desire for life, survival, joy, or happiness. This also meant that whenever society tried to "fix" the ghost through therapy (nine years, various forms), it always ended with the same result: no change. Therapy can only work in certain cases, and usually only when both sides genuinely work together.
The goal/mission (ctb and the possibility of it) functions like a stabilizer, but it has also become the only drive, purpose, or pivot of the identity.
-> "The system achieves stability by sacrificing the subject. It prevents harm replication outward, at the cost of self-erasure inward."
It is like an internal mythology (a defensive mechanism) that developed after the child "died." The ghost also has small rehearsal rituals (e.g., self-written songs and tattoos) to reinforce its fortress and pave the path toward the goal. Writing things down (like this text) is one way to speed up time, but also kinda a ritual itself?
Now, shifting from the analytical perspective to the emotional side: the effects of trauma on the body are persistent: exhaustion, pain, flashbacks, intrusions, and so on. So yes, there is a lot of pain, extreme pain, which of course plays a key role in how and why the ghost became what it is.
I think one of the most exhausting parts is masking all the time, to be hyper-vigilant 24/7: scanning every room, every tone shift, every micro-expression. Smiling at the right moment. Nodding when expected. Saying "I'm fine" with the correct intonation. Performing "aliveness". It's like another nightmare, draining energy, but not enough to make me change course/direction.
But most of that happens in the social world. The internal world feels more like calm, numb, clear, analytical. Inside, there is no noise. No one else. Only structure.
It's like an entirely different ontology, with its own values and structure. And also with sidequests (for as long as they don't interfere with the main one): supporting others (animals/friends/people with similar experience) and reducing as much violence in the social world as possible. -> I prevent harm from spilling outward = If it must exist, I will not replicate the violence I came from.
But yeah, the act of ctb could also be defined/seen as one act of violence (depending on your ontology/value-system). But in my case it has one specific distinction: it is self-chosen and directed inward. That also means: I try to minimize the impact of my "death" as much as I can, without falling for the illusion, that it won't create new pain or trauma (for friends or others). My (ghost) existence = my decision to end or continue it.
---
Is there anyone here who has a similar internal world/feeling/identity/story? If so, have you ever told anyone about it before? When did you realize you were stuck between two worlds? And how does it feel? Does yours feel coherent internally? Mine for example kinda feels coherent, but I also wouldn't care if it were incoherent or deemed wrong by others.
(P.S. The word "ghost" is just one attempt to describe this identity/internal world. There are no real words that can 1:1 describe how it actually feels to me.)
