getting shit done

[decafcoffee]

I was just sitting around, as usual, thinking about how I have a big list of things I could spend time doing that may improve my life, but here i am, in a frozen state. its like my misery paralyzes me. not unusual, i know. but, ive had productive days and i know they make things better. one big issue is my city's awful public transportation system that makes me feel like i am already in hell. but, its also the only time i read my books. ive put things off for so long that i shouldnt have. being socially isolated with abusers doesnt help, but goddamn. ive been struggling so long and doing nothing only makes the suffering worse. i have the idea to mentally yell at myself until i get up and do it. nobody cares about me, so i have to care. ive gotten away with being so lifeless because i have no friends and nobody ever asks to spend time with me. yikes. who the hell knows how far i could get if i simply DID EVERYTHING ON MY LIST INSTEAD OF PUTTING IT OFF and doing something here or there, but always making sure most of my time isnt productive at all.

i finally got a better laptop and ordered a different ipod that i trust not to be fucked up like my last ones were. i havent been able to load any new music or podcasts to listen to except on a very shitty little player, and thats bad. those really help when i am walking or running because i always feel better listening to something. come to think, maybe my first ipod could still work on itunes. cant believe i didnt think of that before now.

i feel like its just a matter of literally forcing myself and being unforgiving about pushing through, because sitting around all day really makes everything worse and i dont feel good while im doing it. i wont blame myself for the way things are, just hoping theres a chance i can become a productive and functional person if i set new patterns of behaviour. i love productivity, funnily enough.

issues with self confidence plummeted me deeper a while ago, but i need to see a dermatologist before i lose all hope. meanwhile, another barrier, so i guess that helps explain it. but goddamn, i was never a fully functioning and productive person. i guess i need to overcome the imaginary barrier.

forcing myself should turn into habit as brain patterns change.

those are my rambling ass thoughts for this evening.

 

[Jean4]

Congratulations! I know how difficult it is.

It takes 30 days to develop a regular routine.

You have demonstrated how much inner strength you have. Probably more than you know.

The struggle is real and you proved it can be done.

 

[decafcoffee]

Congratulations! I know how difficult it is.

It takes 30 days to develop a regular routine.

You have demonstrated how much inner strength you have. Probably more than you know.

The struggle is real and you proved it can be done.

yes, it certainly is real. ive come to realize all the motivation and planning and shit mean nothing without facing the pain of following through with it and meaningfully changing my life. i guess its the setbacks that cripple me, just adds to the difficulty. however, when its not impossible, its possible. i know i deserve a better life, and damn it, do i want to experience what other people have. will have to put off hateful thoughts about my appearance to get things done, at least for now, but hell... i look fine from a distance haha. i think i will suffer no matter what, may as well try to change my life so it could one day be worth living.

and if i get out and do things, i will not be in a toxic environment for the day. works a lot better for my health. i used to have my own apt and it was certainly cozier, but still i felt the need not to isolate myself there.

i took a whole peer support training thing for people struggling with mental illness, and the brain patterns thing was most impactful and insightful for me. it has been a long time since then, but i never managed to meaningfully change my brain patterns as bad things kept happening and halting any possible progress. healthy people can handle these no problem, whereas people like me take it as a sign to give up. again, if all ive known is suffering... why not try to make the suffering productive at least?

 

[Jean4]

yes, it certainly is real. ive come to realize all the motivation and planning and shit mean nothing without facing the pain of following through with it and meaningfully changing my life. i guess its the setbacks that cripple me, just adds to the difficulty. however, when its not impossible, its possible. i know i deserve a better life, and damn it, do i want to experience what other people have. will have to put off hateful thoughts about my appearance to get things done, at least for now, but hell... i look fine from a distance haha. i think i will suffer no matter what, may as well try to change my life so it could one day be worth living.

and if i get out and do things, i will not be in a toxic environment for the day. works a lot better for my health. i used to have my own apt and it was certainly cozier, but still i felt the need not to isolate myself there.

i took a whole peer support training thing for people struggling with mental illness, and the brain patterns thing was most impactful and insightful for me. it has been a long time since then, but i never managed to meaningfully change my brain patterns as bad things kept happening and halting any possible progress. healthy people can handle these no problem, whereas people like me take it as a sign to give up. again, if all ive known is suffering... why not try to make the suffering productive at least?

One step at a time. I make a small list every day. I start with take a shower and brush teeth. Something so simple, and people don't think twice. To me, it's an accomplishment.

 

[decafcoffee]

One step at a time. I make a small list every day. I start with take a shower and brush teeth. Something so simple, and people don't think twice. To me, it's an accomplishment.

youre right. i figure just picking something doable and doing it is a way to go. after getting ready, which, lately, is much more miserable of a process. but yeah, it has to be done. may as well do it asap and feel better after.

 

[Jean4]

youre right. i figure just picking something doable and doing it is a way to go. after getting ready, which, lately, is much more miserable of a process. but yeah, it has to be done. may as well do it asap and feel better after.

Start small. I have found that after showering and brushing my teeth, sometimes I feel ok. Instead of going back to bed, I will wash the dishes which wasn't on my list.

Start small. Build up.