Getting closer to the edge

[Boots2Scoots]

Finally getting over the guilt of how everyone will feel if I ctb. Why should any human being allow themselves to keep going if they have no sense of worth? There was a point when I had it all. Technically I still do for now and that's just supposed to make things better. Wish I had a time machine and could change it all.

Either way when people truly find out about my past, it's going to cause immense grief and pain. So why not save them that pain and substitute it with another? I don't know how or why I let myself stoop to this low. I've been battling addictions and demons for the majority of my life. If I was anybody else, I'd agree they should be chained to a car and drug through the streets until they were skinned. So why be a hypocrite? I know I'm mostly a good person but that doesn't count for anything anymore. I just want it to all be over. I keep hanging on for the people in my life but if they knew it all, or if they were carrying this weight, I can guarantee they would've already ctb. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm paranoid, and I have no desire to keep pushing onwards.

The thought of everyone continuing on to make memories in this pointless rat race called life lowkey kills me because I was supposed to be doing it all with them. But when there's no joy left to be had.... when everyday feels like a struggle -- like I'm carrying a 1000lb weight in my chest.... why tf am I still going? The human brain sucks for this reason. I just want to ctb in peace.
Bottom line is... I'm a f***ing idiot. Destroyed my life over things that make me sick to my stomach. Guess I was always meant to fail... but why'd it have to be when I finally got to a point where I was happy? AND WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?! Had 2 good years out of 28. Now I'll never have another second of being blissfully happy. It's all fake smiles and laughs. People think my humor is just dry but it's not humor. None of it is jokes anymore... it's just foreshadowing so people aren't caught off guard when I'm gone. Everyone wants to tell me to keep giving it a chance and that everything will get better. It won't though. If they could be in my mind just a minute... they'd get it.

 

[_D_]

In your note or whatever you leave behind just detail everything you've done wrong and the reasons why you're killing yourself. Then when you kill yourself and people read it they will probably understand and move on, that way you can die without feeling any guilt. That will be what I do btw.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wish to be gone as well and I really understand feeling so tired of suffering but anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the peace you are looking for.