Venting Fully relapsed after less than a month

[willitpass]

It's been less than a month since I've been home. The ketamine miracle has already finished. I've been in a gradual downward decent for a few weeks now and it's reaching a bad spot. I've returned to weighing myself every morning. I bought laxatives today. I've been more and more restrictive with food. And I'm lying to people about how I'm doing. The degree of self worth I had accumulated is dwindling back down to zero. CTB is on my mind more and more. I'm glad ketamine allowed me the chance to come back home. I got some time to experience the things and people I love for a little bit after 6 months away. And I knew it wasn't a forever cure, but fuck why did it have to be such a short time?

 

[maniac116]

 

[willitpass]

I'm so ready to let go. I'm not yet ready to actively CTB, mentally just not at a low enough point to be able to do it. But I am at a low enough point to wish I was.