Venting FUCK

[agony1996]

I don't know why the universe hates me so much I feel like the more emotional pain I am in the more pleasure it gets out of watching me suffer.I'm so angry I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
I have a date that I feel like I have to ctb by but the closer it gets the more terrified I am but I know I can't live after that certain date in these circumstances with this pain so it's unbelievably hard so many things to think about, pain I'll cause my loved ones, the absolute fear of dying.
I'm so fucking angry I have to go through all this, it's like the universe won't let me live and won't let me die.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
I'm sorry for being so vulgar but that's the only thing thing that's coming out of my mouth I'm so fucking angry!!!!!!!

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

It really doesn't sound like you want to kill yourself. You don't have to kill yourself by a certain date, that just puts immense pressure on yourself and there's no need to.

If you don't want to kill yourself, you don't have to.

Always good to weigh up your options - sometimes we feel that our only option is suicide, when in reality there are other ways, and we just need an outsiders perspective

I don't see anything vulgar about your post or are you referring to the word "fuck"? It's merely a word. It's an adult word, who cares. Adults swear. If someone is offended by the word "fuck", tell them to go fuck themselves. Simple.

Thoughts and feelings can become habitual, and we don't realise that until we're literally confronted with it. Difficult to get out of that mindset, I know, I've dealt with it my entire life - but it was put to me recently (thoughts and feelings becoming habitual) and it makes sense.

We can have too much negativity and too much positivity - it's about finding a middle ground, and I know how tough that is. Imagine how long it would take for the thoughts to ease, given you've had them likely, years on end.

I hope things ease for you and you stay a bit longer, because based on what you wrote, you definitely don't want to kill yourself. That's the impression you give off anyway

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's so terrible and dreadful how there's all this suffering in existing, existence really is too cruel. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[agony1996]

It really doesn't sound like you want to kill yourself. You don't have to kill yourself by a certain date, that just puts immense pressure on yourself and there's no need to.

If you don't want to kill yourself, you don't have to.

Always good to weigh up your options - sometimes we feel that our only option is suicide, when in reality there are other ways, and we just need an outsiders perspective

I don't see anything vulgar about your post or are you referring to the word "fuck"? It's merely a word. It's an adult word, who cares. Adults swear. If someone is offended by the word "fuck", tell them to go fuck themselves. Simple.

Thoughts and feelings can become habitual, and we don't realise that until we're literally confronted with it. Difficult to get out of that mindset, I know, I've dealt with it my entire life - but it was put to me recently (thoughts and feelings becoming habitual) and it makes sense.

We can have too much negativity and too much positivity - it's about finding a middle ground, and I know how tough that is. Imagine how long it would take for the thoughts to ease, given you've had them likely, years on end.

I hope things ease for you and you stay a bit longer, because based on what you wrote, you definitely don't want to kill yourself. That's the impression you give off anyway

You're right I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to die, I'm afraid of dying but at the same time I feel like I have no choice, I can't bear this pain any longer and my current circumstances, which are hard to explain and you're also spot on about the immense pressure and anxiety I feel as the date I would like to not be around anymore is approaching. I just have so many different emotions and different thoughts going through my mind and there are so many complications surrounding ctbing.
Thank you though for taking the time to respond.

 

[Bleh61]

You're right I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to die, I'm afraid of dying but at the same time I feel like I have no choice, I can't bear this pain any longer and my current circumstances, which are hard to explain and you're also spot on about the immense pressure and anxiety I feel as the date I would like to not be around anymore is approaching. I just have so many different emotions and different thoughts going through my mind and there are so many complications surrounding ctbing.
Thank you though for taking the time to respond.

I don't know what you are dealing with. I suffer from psychological trauma. It started in early childhood and lasted for many years. I know all about feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you suffer from long term psychological abuse there are some good Facebook groups you might want to check out. 1 living with Complex PTSD and 2 Survivors of Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD differs from PTSD in that it's not caused by one incident, but rather a series of incidents over many years. I hope that helps.

 

[badtothebone]

I second that

 

[agony1996]

I don't know what you are dealing with. I suffer from psychological trauma. It started in early childhood and lasted for many years. I know all about feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you suffer from long term psychological abuse there are some good Facebook groups you might want to check out. 1 living with Complex PTSD and 2 Survivors of Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD differs from PTSD in that it's not caused by one incident, but rather a series of incidents over many years. I hope that helps.

I did have some abuse in childhood and I've always said that it didn't have any impact on me as a teenager and adult but now I'm realizing that that abuse played a big role in forming who I am now and some feelings of not being good enough.
I've actually had several things happen to be as an adult as well but I don't know if that qualifies as ptsd.
But really bad things that keep happening to me, which put me in my current situation and emotional pain, are the reason why I keep thinking that universe hates me and why I feel so angry.
I'm so sorry for the traumatic experiences you went through and for your suffering.
It just don't think it's fair that good hearted people have to endure so much pain. I appreciate your suggestions

 

[Bleh61]

I did have some abuse in childhood and I've always said that it didn't have any impact on me as a teenager and adult but now I'm realizing that that abuse played a big role in forming who I am now and some feelings of not being good enough.
I've actually had several things happen to be as an adult as well but I don't know if that qualifies as ptsd.
But really bad things that keep happening to me, which put me in my current situation and emotional pain, are the reason why I keep thinking that universe hates me and why I feel so angry.
I'm so sorry for the traumatic experiences you went through and for your suffering.
It just don't think it's fair that good hearted people have to endure so much pain. I appreciate your suggestions

Do you mind if I ask, how old are you?

 

[hydrangea74]

I don't know why the universe hates me so much I feel like the more emotional pain I am in the more pleasure it gets out of watching me suffer.I'm so angry I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
I have a date that I feel like I have to ctb by but the closer it gets the more terrified I am but I know I can't live after that certain date in these circumstances with this pain so it's unbelievably hard so many things to think about, pain I'll cause my loved ones, the absolute fear of dying.
I'm so fucking angry I have to go through all this, it's like the universe won't let me live and won't let me die.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
I'm sorry for being so vulgar but that's the only thing thing that's coming out of my mouth I'm so fucking angry!!!!!!!

Wishing you all the best and hope you can find a way through if that's what's meant for you. Try to do simple things in the moment and take it from there.