mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 158
I tried my absolute hardest to get better. I even felt better. But now reality is just crushing me again.
After my CTB attempt back in September last year, I decided that maybe I really wanted to live. I accepted all help I could get, started taking my meds consistently, got a bunch of new diagnoses. Been seeing my psychiatrist, trying to push the negativity away and surround myself with positivity.
It's no fucking use. How many times have I told myself it'd get better, how many times have I refused to lose hope. I've been lying to myself this whole time. Even when I felt "happy", I still wanted to kill myself. I had hoped these feelings would fade eventually. Of course they didn't, they never do. They're a part of me after all.
I'm so tired. Every time I start to feel a tiny bit better, life reminds me over and over again why my life is fucked and always will be. I'm weak. I can't handle most shit that comes my way. I don't think that'll ever change.
When I sought help from professionals, even went to the mental hospital to get myself admitted because I was genuinely a danger to myself I was turned away. The reasoning was that they don't take in patients with BPD because that wouldn't be of any help. Thanks, I guess.
Three years ago I chose the 16th of December 2026 as my date. Well, it's been on my mind constantly for those three years. I'll really do it. There's no purpose for me in this life.
After my CTB attempt back in September last year, I decided that maybe I really wanted to live. I accepted all help I could get, started taking my meds consistently, got a bunch of new diagnoses. Been seeing my psychiatrist, trying to push the negativity away and surround myself with positivity.
It's no fucking use. How many times have I told myself it'd get better, how many times have I refused to lose hope. I've been lying to myself this whole time. Even when I felt "happy", I still wanted to kill myself. I had hoped these feelings would fade eventually. Of course they didn't, they never do. They're a part of me after all.
I'm so tired. Every time I start to feel a tiny bit better, life reminds me over and over again why my life is fucked and always will be. I'm weak. I can't handle most shit that comes my way. I don't think that'll ever change.
When I sought help from professionals, even went to the mental hospital to get myself admitted because I was genuinely a danger to myself I was turned away. The reasoning was that they don't take in patients with BPD because that wouldn't be of any help. Thanks, I guess.
Three years ago I chose the 16th of December 2026 as my date. Well, it's been on my mind constantly for those three years. I'll really do it. There's no purpose for me in this life.
