Venting Friendship is so complicated

[eatantz]

I want a perfect person, but people will always have flaws. I know this. But things about my friends irritate me so much that I regret speaking to them in the first place. I hate how my friends will have other friends, it's childish but it's a real nightmare for me. I have an extreme fear of abandonment and I'm so emotionally sensitive that even a change in tone on a text will cause a meltdown.
Everything human is so hard for me. I need people to survive this society but I hate them.

I hate existence because I'm not in control, nothing exists in the way I want.
I had a sleepover with my "best friend" and now I feel ruined. It's been about 2 months since I spent time with a friend and I've realised again why I hate it.

The truth is I find making friends very easy, you just smile and laugh at there jokes. You listen to them, compliment them, show off some edgy humour and pretend to understand them. It's all empty to me. Making friends is easy because I know the formula of basic social interactions, the issue is keeping friends.

I go from obsession to hate so easily, and since I started homeschooling I've found that I'm happier without people. I've always believed that human interaction is something I crave (I'm so desperate for love and attention that even the most abusive racist Incel can still make me flustered) but it's not. I need freedom, and my version of that is being away from people, away from everything.

I know now more than ever that all my problems are people and existing. If I could be trapped in my mind where all my dreams could be reality I would experience constant happiness. But the harsh reality is, before I die I'll keep searching for friends and for someone to love me because I'm a slave to my trauma and upbringing.

 

[dyingslowly]

I do feel that making friends is worthless since I was always the backup friend, no body really liked me at all and mostly my one two friends were social misfits like people from minority in the society (who later when they moved away never texted or anything back) and people who do make friends see some kind of utility in me, also anxiety of oversharing is real and I have a history of friends becoming enemies and taking advantage. I do crave for love and attention [I am a fucking man but can say this here since nobody knows me lol gotta act strong in rl] but I know deep down the time I will show my soft side to people will be the time horse shit will hit the fan. Being around people takes my energy away and I need hours and hours in isolation to recharge. I can relate in a sense to many of the things you said above but not sure I actually relate or not. I hate to say it but I have told and made peace with myself on things that I will never find love, true affection or true friendship and I have to wait it out till 50s and survive by making enough money that I can stay alive have healthy amount of savings and investments that I don't have to go to fking work, after 50s one shotgun and two shells will do the final job. This thinking might have been the most toxic thing you have came across but It is as real as it gets. Maybe I might die early due to all this toxicity of mine. I hope this helps.

 

[bearbrikk]

I am experiencing the exact same. If I feel a connection with someone I instantly go to obsession and then they are all I think about. I think about how I can keep them in my life, how they would like me to be and behave. But it always ended it pain and disappointment. I always felt that I loved the person more than they loved me. My therapist told me though that I feel emotions 1000% harder than normal people would so I would give my all to someone within an instant. But for the normal person, my 50% is their 100% effort so I always felt like they didn't care as much as me but that was their best. And for the normal person it, unfortunately, takes time to grow a connection with you.

 

[Linda]

I want a perfect person, but people will always have flaws. I know this. But things about my friends irritate me so much that I regret speaking to them in the first place. I hate how my friends will have other friends, it's childish but it's a real nightmare for me. I have an extreme fear of abandonment and I'm so emotionally sensitive that even a change in tone on a text will cause a meltdown.
Everything human is so hard for me. I need people to survive this society but I hate them.

I hate existence because I'm not in control, nothing exists in the way I want.
I had a sleepover with my "best friend" and now I feel ruined. It's been about 2 months since I spent time with a friend and I've realised again why I hate it.

The truth is I find making friends very easy, you just smile and laugh at there jokes. You listen to them, compliment them, show off some edgy humour and pretend to understand them. It's all empty to me. Making friends is easy because I know the formula of basic social interactions, the issue is keeping friends.

I go from obsession to hate so easily, and since I started homeschooling I've found that I'm happier without people. I've always believed that human interaction is something I crave (I'm so desperate for love and attention that even the most abusive racist Incel can still make me flustered) but it's not. I need freedom, and my version of that is being away from people, away from everything.

I know now more than ever that all my problems are people and existing. If I could be trapped in my mind where all my dreams could be reality I would experience constant happiness. But the harsh reality is, before I die I'll keep searching for friends and for someone to love me because I'm a slave to my trauma and upbringing.

Is this what psychistrists call, rather unkindly, Borderline Personality Disorder? If it is that, or something like it, it would be a good idea to get therapy. You will probably find it difficult to deal with on your own.

 

[eatantz]

I hate to say it but I have told and made peace with myself on things that I will never find love, true affection or true friendship and I have to wait it out till 50s and survive by making enough money that I can stay alive have healthy amount of savings and investments that I don't have to go to fking work, after 50s one shotgun and two shells will do the final job. This thinking might have been the most toxic thing you have came across but It is as real as it gets. Maybe I might die early due to all this toxicity of mine. I hope this helps.

I relate to you, I don't think ill ever find real love or relationships but it will be my fault. I'm selfish and toxic so I can only blame myself and my past. I'm glad that I'm not a man in all honesty, bottling up emotions sounds like hell. I have a similar plan to you, I'm going to work shitty jobs till I can afford SN and get the fuck out of here, hopefully before I reach 25. I wish you the best dude!

I am experiencing the exact same. If I feel a connection with someone I instantly go to obsession and then they are all I think about. I think about how I can keep them in my life, how they would like me to be and behave. But it always ended it pain and disappointment. I always felt that I loved the person more than they loved me. My therapist told me though that I feel emotions 1000% harder than normal people would so I would give my all to someone within an instant. But for the normal person, my 50% is their 100% effort so I always felt like they didn't care as much as me but that was their best. And for the normal person it, unfortunately, takes time to grow a connection with you.

Holy shit my therapist told me the exact same thing!!! It destroyed me since I was like 16 and all I cared about was dating/romance [i still do]