Veraz
Member
- Feb 23, 2023
- 38
I hesitated to make this post because I'm fully aware how pathetic it's going to make me sound. Well, I guess I kind of am pathetic lol, but still... I was having a really good time lately, getting out of the house more and the past week or so had seen a vast improvement in my mood. Today though I was feeling a little down for no real reason, so I thought "Oh yeah, it's Wednesday morning... my favorite Vtuber usually does her karaoke streams today, I'll go see what she is singing this time..." only to type her name into Youtube and discover that apparently... she got terminated from her agency a month ago.
I don't really know how to explain all of the torrent of complex emotions going through my head when I found out her channel is just... gone. All of those memories, every video, every livestream, the community she built... all of it is just gone. Forever.
Even now it doesn't feel real. I keep finding myself doubting that it's not just some kind of bad dream or something. I always tuned into her streams when I was feeling down, and her naturally upbeat attitude and phenomenal singing voice got me through some really hard times in my life. I guess I hadn't realized it had turned into a sort of parasocial relationship until she was gone.
It hurts a lot. I'm worried all of the progress I have made lately is going to relapse completely. I feel worse today than I have all week. I've been fortunate enough to never experience grief in my life before this point... but I imagine this must be what it feels like. I feel ashamed that losing a connection (that wasn't even real) to a person I had never actually met could make me feel this way... but I can't pretend like it doesn't. Let this be a reminder to anyone reading this, that parasocial relationships are a dangerous thing, and can happen even without you realizing it.
I don't really know how to explain all of the torrent of complex emotions going through my head when I found out her channel is just... gone. All of those memories, every video, every livestream, the community she built... all of it is just gone. Forever.
Even now it doesn't feel real. I keep finding myself doubting that it's not just some kind of bad dream or something. I always tuned into her streams when I was feeling down, and her naturally upbeat attitude and phenomenal singing voice got me through some really hard times in my life. I guess I hadn't realized it had turned into a sort of parasocial relationship until she was gone.
It hurts a lot. I'm worried all of the progress I have made lately is going to relapse completely. I feel worse today than I have all week. I've been fortunate enough to never experience grief in my life before this point... but I imagine this must be what it feels like. I feel ashamed that losing a connection (that wasn't even real) to a person I had never actually met could make me feel this way... but I can't pretend like it doesn't. Let this be a reminder to anyone reading this, that parasocial relationships are a dangerous thing, and can happen even without you realizing it.