itbelikethat
Member
- Feb 6, 2025
- 37
I had a good job, I bought a house, and i could have afforded it. But I was smoking delta 8 heavily to cope with loneliness and some fucked up things that happened in my life. Im going to be ruined financially, Ive got ways to cheat a drug test but I cant trust it enough to pass a DOT drug test, if I get caught cheating my cdl will be useless. I should have never smoked in the first place. Im shooting for non dot positions until I know i can piss clear.
But even before all that, I was a self destructive idiot that pushed all my friends away. I havent been ok for as long as i can remember.
I had a great, beautiful woman in my life, but i let it go cause I couldnt handle it when she had an episode.
I accused my best friend of being a manipulative asshole, when it was really me who was the asshole.
Im going to lose my home, I'll see how my job prospects are but its not looking good.
My sister died in a car accident and the person who killed her got off scott free. My mother died shortly after, thankfully my mother died before the trial so she didnt have to see that.
The last thing I said to my sis was, "yea, once I got away from yall I started doing good". She kept me isolated for two years in order to watch her kid. I havent seen my niece in years, and i dont plan too. But I realize now that shes human, and she made mistakes just like everyone else, just like myself. I regret not trying to reconcile with her, but i was so angry at her.
I had a dog that I loved to death, and I let him out despite the neighbor threatening to shoot him if he kept fucking the neighbors dog. And he shot him. I loved that dog so fucking much and I basically murdered him, because i was angry about a fucking Bluetooth speaker breaking.
I dont want to start over, im so tired, and i have no one in my life. Except my sister, who said i couod stay with her if I lost the house. But I think i should end my life before that happens. I dont want to destroy her life and do damage to her and her kids.
Theres something deeply wrong with me and I cant even hide it anymore.
I was also awful to the first person I was in a relationship with, actually assaulted her before we was in a relationship, and i was too stupid to realize what I had done was assault until years later.
Im evil, I deserve to die, I want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die.
All I can do today is sit and think about all this shit. I deserve to feel this awful. I wish I could call someone but I have no one. My sister isn't even picking up the phone and I dont know why. Why would she? I went no contact and blamed her for how fucked I am. I blamed my whole family. But really I came out all fucked up.
I cant even laugh or cry, im so fucking numb, im evil and stupid and so godamned numb.
I dont believe in God or an after life, but if there is one my mother would be ashamed of me. She should be.
But even before all that, I was a self destructive idiot that pushed all my friends away. I havent been ok for as long as i can remember.
I had a great, beautiful woman in my life, but i let it go cause I couldnt handle it when she had an episode.
I accused my best friend of being a manipulative asshole, when it was really me who was the asshole.
Im going to lose my home, I'll see how my job prospects are but its not looking good.
My sister died in a car accident and the person who killed her got off scott free. My mother died shortly after, thankfully my mother died before the trial so she didnt have to see that.
The last thing I said to my sis was, "yea, once I got away from yall I started doing good". She kept me isolated for two years in order to watch her kid. I havent seen my niece in years, and i dont plan too. But I realize now that shes human, and she made mistakes just like everyone else, just like myself. I regret not trying to reconcile with her, but i was so angry at her.
I had a dog that I loved to death, and I let him out despite the neighbor threatening to shoot him if he kept fucking the neighbors dog. And he shot him. I loved that dog so fucking much and I basically murdered him, because i was angry about a fucking Bluetooth speaker breaking.
I dont want to start over, im so tired, and i have no one in my life. Except my sister, who said i couod stay with her if I lost the house. But I think i should end my life before that happens. I dont want to destroy her life and do damage to her and her kids.
Theres something deeply wrong with me and I cant even hide it anymore.
I was also awful to the first person I was in a relationship with, actually assaulted her before we was in a relationship, and i was too stupid to realize what I had done was assault until years later.
Im evil, I deserve to die, I want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die.
All I can do today is sit and think about all this shit. I deserve to feel this awful. I wish I could call someone but I have no one. My sister isn't even picking up the phone and I dont know why. Why would she? I went no contact and blamed her for how fucked I am. I blamed my whole family. But really I came out all fucked up.
I cant even laugh or cry, im so fucking numb, im evil and stupid and so godamned numb.
I dont believe in God or an after life, but if there is one my mother would be ashamed of me. She should be.
