I will CTB today. Goodbye.

[Kokonoe]

Most important person in my life for so long finally cut me off today. It has broken me. It feels so cruel. Recently I realized she has been abusing me for as long as I've known her and it's hurt so badly. I finally had the courage to bring it up. She finally decided to cut me off after that. It hurts so badly. I can't understand any of what she did. It all feels so cruel. I'll never understand it.
I knew this was going to happen but it still hurts just as bad as i feared. It honestly might hurt even worse than that. I can't handle it.
I'm currently lying in bed with the noose above me. I tested it. It should work. At least I hope it does. I gave myself a small taste of FSH, just stepped off and back onto the ladder to see what it feels like. It really, really fucking hurts. But not enough to stop me. I can't live with the hurt that she has cursed me with. I can't live knowing everything she did. I just can't do it. I have to die today. I'm so, so sorry.

Goodbye forever friends. I hope you all find peace.

 

[geepeedee]

goodbye and good luck.

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm sorry you've been through all this. I hope you find inner peace and relief.

 

[interna]

safe travels. i hope death is kinder to you than life was

 

[fishperson]

We are all here for you. Whatever u decide to do , I hope u get to find peace at the end.

 

[iveseenfootage]

Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

I was in love once. She didn't reciprocate my feelings. It absolutely broke me and I don't think I'll be able to love again.

But this way years ago.. if I think about her I don't feel anything. No love, nothing.
I know its a cliche but with time it heals, or stings a little bit less, and less until it doesn't sting anymore.

Please give it time. You don't have to rush anything.
The bus can wait.. or rather it can go fuck off

 

[ilovenewyork]

I agree, maybe give it a day or two before taking action. I know it hurts

 

[Yaalya]

like abyss dweller sayd. give you time. pls dont impulsive ctb. this person betrayed you and u think there is no other options atm but ur life can change positive without this abusive person, but u need move forward to recognize how this change will affect ur life.

 

[Warum]

hey. the same thing happened to me.every morning it would be my first thought and every night my last, them. i know the sheer pain you are in. because of that, let some time pass. impulsively ending it is not a good idea. everyone has a choice but that choice should be thought about deeply and reflect upon ones life quality without any extrem recent biases. please do not ctb just now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find freedom from suffering.

 

[msds]

Most important person in my life for so long finally cut me off today. It has broken me. It feels so cruel. Recently I realized she has been abusing me for as long as I've known her and it's hurt so badly. I finally had the courage to bring it up. She finally decided to cut me off after that. It hurts so badly. I can't understand any of what she did. It all feels so cruel. I'll never understand it.

I know this feeling. It's happened to me several times. Finding out that your FP is just abusing you will never not be a shock. I'm so sorry you've had to go through it.

But, I also agree with Abyss Dweller, give it some time. I might be being a little hypocritical here since all in all, those past instances are why I am currently planning my attempt. But I don't think you should do something rash. If you still feel like attempting in a few days, then go for it.

Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

 

[kovinskin]

I hope you find freedom from suffering.

Bruh you genuinely only contribute to potentially impulsive suicides

 

[fishperson]

Bruh you genuinely only contribute to potentially impulsive suicides

Pro choice website dweller when someone is pro choice

 

[eladeselasol99]

goodbye bro and fly high from the suffering

 

[Warum]

Pro suicide website dweller when someone is pro suicide

there is a big difference between pro suicide and pushing suicide. just because we are pro choice does not mean we approve of a thrown away life. people need to read the room sometimes!

 

[dewdfish]

I hope you find peace, Koko. It was nice having you around. See you on the other side soon

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Pro suicide website dweller when someone is pro suicide

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/dismantling-the-allegation-that-were-pro-suicide.157256/

 

[Cyc]

I hope you find peace <3

 

[bakenohana]

i hope you find peace

 

[Kokonoe]

she called an ambulance on me. im fucked. i dont want to live like this. why does she have to hurt me one more time.

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry for your situation,
however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find relief from suffering

 

[Deer_Dairy]

Dying because of someone is not good idea (if it is not dying to save someone).
It should always be resolution you made because of yourself, not influenced by any other person.
She betrayed you. It is sad, it hurts, it feel like the end of the world. But it is not.
If this is a reason for welcoming death, it is bad one.
Everyone can be replaced (only exception I can think of is member of family).
Yes, everyone.
There are plenty of reasons to ctb, but this is not the case.

 

[RootenTomato]

Screw that person... screw all of them. If they just walk out on you like that, if she was the most important person in your life, it means you were never that important to her. They're not worth it.

 

[Kokonoe]

Update: I ended up in the hospital, psych ward specifically, I wasn't physically injured.
Just got out today.
I do honestly feel a lot better, at least for now. I'm not sure if I would have rather died on sunday like I wanted to or have kept living and allowed things to feel a bit more hopeful now.
The first couple days of hospitalization was horrible. I spent 24 hours in the waiting room to get admitted. Even after that, all I did for like 2 days was cry from how much everything about my situation hurt, and how I couldn't stop focusing on it all despite everything I tried.
Eventually though I started attending the group therapies, and from past experience I expected it to be all things I knew and I didn't think it would help. But being refreshed on CBT/DBT helped me a *lot*, I started using the skills again immediately, and it has helped me process everything and get through each moment of the day, even if it still hurts. I can just accept it better now.
I think the thing that was really nice though was seeing everyone in that ward be so compassionate to each other. For a long time now I have given up on people as a whole and felt it was hopeless to even try to talk to anyone at all, assuming they'd all abuse me the same like everyone in the past has done to me. But watching everyone who was struggling so much themselves still try to help the people around them, and to even just say hi to me every now and then and ask how i'm doing, tell me about their cats, just anything at all. It made me remember that everyone is just doing the best they can. I was able to stop being so closed off and start talking to the people around me and enjoy just being in the same room as other people. It was nice.
I got visited every day. By my parents of course. But my best friend drove an hour 3 days in a row to come visit me, despite being constantly busy with work and school. That made me so happy.
The girl I said hurt me so much in my original post visited me twice as well. That meant a lot to me. I was so scared I would never see her again. But she came straight to see me despite working 10+ hours the day before and all day the first day she came to visit. She still made time for me because she cared.
The second day she visited she stayed the full 2 hour visiting period. I had a nice time.
She came to visit a bit after I got out today, too, and tomorrow she wants to take me to her favorite bar and wingman for me, lol.
I think I had been in such crisis lately I forgot that she still cared as much as she does. Maybe not the perfect way I wanted her to, but she does still care, and she does love me, even if she has made mistakes and hurt me along the way. She's never going anywhere. And I'm so grateful she's in my life.
I have a lot of followups after getting out of the hospital that make me feel a bit more secure, too. Starting an IOP next week so that at least gives me something to just do throughout the week. And got set up with some other reason I think will help.
We'll see how long I can keep this up, and keep things positive. But no matter what I'll keep trying my best.

TL;DR: didn't die, got hospitalized instead. it gets better :)

 

[Matchaaa]

Update: I ended up in the hospital, psych ward specifically, I wasn't physically injured.
Just got out today.
I do honestly feel a lot better, at least for now. I'm not sure if I would have rather died on sunday like I wanted to or have kept living and allowed things to feel a bit more hopeful now.
The first couple days of hospitalization was horrible. I spent 24 hours in the waiting room to get admitted. Even after that, all I did for like 2 days was cry from how much everything about my situation hurt, and how I couldn't stop focusing on it all despite everything I tried.
Eventually though I started attending the group therapies, and from past experience I expected it to be all things I knew and I didn't think it would help. But being refreshed on CBT/DBT helped me a *lot*, I started using the skills again immediately, and it has helped me process everything and get through each moment of the day, even if it still hurts. I can just accept it better now.
I think the thing that was really nice though was seeing everyone in that ward be so compassionate to each other. For a long time now I have given up on people as a whole and felt it was hopeless to even try to talk to anyone at all, assuming they'd all abuse me the same like everyone in the past has done to me. But watching everyone who was struggling so much themselves still try to help the people around them, and to even just say hi to me every now and then and ask how i'm doing, tell me about their cats, just anything at all. It made me remember that everyone is just doing the best they can. I was able to stop being so closed off and start talking to the people around me and enjoy just being in the same room as other people. It was nice.
I got visited every day. By my parents of course. But my best friend drove an hour 3 days in a row to come visit me, despite being constantly busy with work and school. That made me so happy.
The girl I said hurt me so much in my original post visited me twice as well. That meant a lot to me. I was so scared I would never see her again. But she came straight to see me despite working 10+ hours the day before and all day the first day she came to visit. She still made time for me because she cared.
The second day she visited she stayed the full 2 hour visiting period. I had a nice time.
She came to visit a bit after I got out today, too, and tomorrow she wants to take me to her favorite bar and wingman for me, lol.
I think I had been in such crisis lately I forgot that she still cared as much as she does. Maybe not the perfect way I wanted her to, but she does still care, and she does love me, even if she has made mistakes and hurt me along the way. She's never going anywhere. And I'm so grateful she's in my life.
I have a lot of followups after getting out of the hospital that make me feel a bit more secure, too. Starting an IOP next week so that at least gives me something to just do throughout the week. And got set up with some other reason I think will help.
We'll see how long I can keep this up, and keep things positive. But no matter what I'll keep trying my best.

TL;DR: didn't die, got hospitalized instead. it gets better :)

I'm glad to see you're feeling better now,
I hope you'll find true freedom and happiness soon,wishing you all the best

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

I am glad that your person is still your person. She sounds like a good one. And so do you. Wishing you better days ahead. <3

 

[purebliss]

Update: I ended up in the hospital, psych ward specifically, I wasn't physically injured.
Just got out today.
I do honestly feel a lot better, at least for now. I'm not sure if I would have rather died on sunday like I wanted to or have kept living and allowed things to feel a bit more hopeful now.
The first couple days of hospitalization was horrible. I spent 24 hours in the waiting room to get admitted. Even after that, all I did for like 2 days was cry from how much everything about my situation hurt, and how I couldn't stop focusing on it all despite everything I tried.
Eventually though I started attending the group therapies, and from past experience I expected it to be all things I knew and I didn't think it would help. But being refreshed on CBT/DBT helped me a *lot*, I started using the skills again immediately, and it has helped me process everything and get through each moment of the day, even if it still hurts. I can just accept it better now.
I think the thing that was really nice though was seeing everyone in that ward be so compassionate to each other. For a long time now I have given up on people as a whole and felt it was hopeless to even try to talk to anyone at all, assuming they'd all abuse me the same like everyone in the past has done to me. But watching everyone who was struggling so much themselves still try to help the people around them, and to even just say hi to me every now and then and ask how i'm doing, tell me about their cats, just anything at all. It made me remember that everyone is just doing the best they can. I was able to stop being so closed off and start talking to the people around me and enjoy just being in the same room as other people. It was nice.
I got visited every day. By my parents of course. But my best friend drove an hour 3 days in a row to come visit me, despite being constantly busy with work and school. That made me so happy.
The girl I said hurt me so much in my original post visited me twice as well. That meant a lot to me. I was so scared I would never see her again. But she came straight to see me despite working 10+ hours the day before and all day the first day she came to visit. She still made time for me because she cared.
The second day she visited she stayed the full 2 hour visiting period. I had a nice time.
She came to visit a bit after I got out today, too, and tomorrow she wants to take me to her favorite bar and wingman for me, lol.
I think I had been in such crisis lately I forgot that she still cared as much as she does. Maybe not the perfect way I wanted her to, but she does still care, and she does love me, even if she has made mistakes and hurt me along the way. She's never going anywhere. And I'm so grateful she's in my life.
I have a lot of followups after getting out of the hospital that make me feel a bit more secure, too. Starting an IOP next week so that at least gives me something to just do throughout the week. And got set up with some other reason I think will help.
We'll see how long I can keep this up, and keep things positive. But no matter what I'll keep trying my best.

TL;DR: didn't die, got hospitalized instead. it gets better :)

This is amazing to read <3
I am so happy you didn't just throw your life away
There can be true happiness in life as much as there can be true happiness in death

But you do not have to actively try to throw it away
Hope you will find a good future soon <3

 

[Kokonoe]

I'm already suicidal again..
It's really hard to find a method again now that my family won't give me any space or privacy really since my attempt. I don't know when I'll get my next chance, if at all.
They took away some of the stuff I needed for my hanging attempt, too. Like my ladder. And added locks to the doors downstairs where they kept that stuff anyways. So I can't even hang..
I'm going to just use the excuse that I'm going for a walk tomorrow and use that time to see if I have it in me to jump. I have a bridge picked out already. I hope I can do it. I don't want to keep living.

 

[fightclub17]

I'm already suicidal again..
It's really hard to find a method again now that my family won't give me any space or privacy really since my attempt. I don't know when I'll get my next chance, if at all.
They took away some of the stuff I needed for my hanging attempt, too. Like my ladder. And added locks to the doors downstairs where they kept that stuff anyways. So I can't even hang..
I'm going to just use the excuse that I'm going for a walk tomorrow and use that time to see if I have it in me to jump. I have a bridge picked out already. I hope I can do it. I don't want to keep living.

Please don't jump, jumping has a low mortality rate you could end up worse off with physical disabilities/lifealtering injuries.

I think take some time to see how you feel in a month or so. Don't be impulsive and try to ctb because of a single person no matter how cruel they are.