brokenwaves
i need to cross a border that’s hard to define
- Feb 19, 2021
- 118
found my old journal that i wrote in sporadically from ages 16-19. god it's horrible reading through it all and hearing about all the pain i was experiencing even at 16, same shit that i'm still experiencing today. i really don't know how the fuck i made it this far, i should have given up a long long time ago. one entry that really got to me was written after an attempt to ctb, i'm left in the "care" of a useless psych. it reads:
Such bullshit, psych asks me if I feel like hurting myself - I tell him I always feel like hurting myself, he just moves on to the next question. I tell him I tried to kill myself recently, that I'm losing my mind...and he doesn't say shit. Like how many cries for help are necessary to finally get a response? I need help soon or I'm going to kill myself.
what the hell??? it's so depressing reading this because i remember this feeling, i've experienced it every time i've been in contact with a mental health "professional" - how on earth can you leave a patient feeling more suicidal after the appointment than they were before? this was especially a horrible experience as it was my first time attending a psych after an attempt like that, and I naively had a little hope that they would be able to maybe even help me. i've never felt more dehumanised in my life than when sitting in front of a psychiatrist
Such bullshit, psych asks me if I feel like hurting myself - I tell him I always feel like hurting myself, he just moves on to the next question. I tell him I tried to kill myself recently, that I'm losing my mind...and he doesn't say shit. Like how many cries for help are necessary to finally get a response? I need help soon or I'm going to kill myself.
what the hell??? it's so depressing reading this because i remember this feeling, i've experienced it every time i've been in contact with a mental health "professional" - how on earth can you leave a patient feeling more suicidal after the appointment than they were before? this was especially a horrible experience as it was my first time attending a psych after an attempt like that, and I naively had a little hope that they would be able to maybe even help me. i've never felt more dehumanised in my life than when sitting in front of a psychiatrist