Venting A Dark Return: Death Notes – Psych Ward – Rehab

[Hysteria]

It pains me deeply to write this. I've let you down. I promised to share the outcome of my CTB attempt, but here I am – it failed, and in many ways, so did I.

In January 2024, I tried Night Night, hoping it would end everything. Instead, I found myself barely conscious, shaking and nauseous. In that state, I answered a call from my partner. Desperate and defeated, I let her convince me to seek help. I checked myself into the psych ward.

The psych ward was a mixed bag. I found a strange peace in the medications they gave me, which helped me through opioid withdrawal. I never thought I'd survive that, but somehow, I did. The journey wasn't easy – the injections brought no comfort, only calmness as I endured. Yet, the psych ward saved me in ways I hadn't expected.

After three months, they recommended drug rehab. Grateful to be free of my opioid dependence, I agreed. Rehab, however, was an entirely different ordeal. Five months of no music, no movies, no privacy – just work I despised and moments of abuse. It was unbearable, so I left.

I only wish living life could be as simple. But for now, I'm still here, with you. If you've thought of me, thank you.

Regards,
Hysteria

 

[nir]

I found your profile because it was linked in the thread of suspected successful CTBs. I'm so sorry to hear of your experience in rehab :( How is your opioid dependence now?

 

[Erring]

Sad to hear about the rehab, no activities sounds awful. I'm not a professional, so don't take my comment as anything of value, but that feels... weird.

 

[Hysteria]

I found your profile because it was linked in the thread of suspected successful CTBs. I'm so sorry to hear of your experience in rehab :( How is your opioid dependence now?

My opioid dependence is gone. I've been clean straight for nine months. My doctor said the withdrawal was a week, and clearance was three months. Practically, my symptoms lasted longer because my opioid dependence wasn't only fentanyl but also methadone. However, under nine months, my methadone dependence was resolved, too. I mean the physical symptoms. Mental symptoms remain like the temptation to use them again. But my will persists against the temptation. I know where a solo attempt would take me, and I won't go there. Withdrawal was worse than any pain I've ever experienced. I even tried to end it by killing myself, but the assistants stopped me at the psych ward. No, I won't buy a second ticket to this bus. I'm waiting for a different kind of bus.

Unfortunately, my opioid dependence is gone, but I'm afraid I became addicted to Pregabalin (Lyrica) now, a medication doctors used to treat my opioid dependence and anxiety. I couldn't buy my monthly box in time because the pharmacy didn't have it, and we had to order it, and the time until it arrived felt like a nightmare. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with withdrawal anymore.

I'm tired. I often feel the cycles will never end.

Sad to hear about the rehab, no activities sounds awful. I'm not a professional, so don't take my comment as anything of value, but that feels... weird.

Of course, your opinion has value. Professional or not, we happened to be on the same topic for a reason. The rehab was weird. I felt awful. I use various techniques like ASMR to cope with life. Splitting me from what tiny bit I could enjoy from life was disastrous.

 

[nir]

My opioid dependence is gone. I've been clean straight for nine months. My doctor said the withdrawal was a week, and clearance was three months. Practically, my symptoms lasted longer because my opioid dependence wasn't only fentanyl but also methadone. However, under nine months, my methadone dependence was resolved, too. I mean the physical symptoms. Mental symptoms remain like the temptation to use them again. But my will persists against the temptation. I know where a solo attempt would take me, and I won't go there. Withdrawal was worse than any pain I've ever experienced. I even tried to end it by killing myself, but the assistants stopped me at the psych ward. No, I won't buy a second ticket to this bus. I'm waiting for a different kind of bus.

Unfortunately, my opioid dependence is gone, but I'm afraid I became addicted to Pregabalin (Lyrica) now, a medication doctors used to treat my opioid dependence and anxiety. I couldn't buy my monthly box in time because the pharmacy didn't have it, and we had to order it, and the time until it arrived felt like a nightmare. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with withdrawal anymore.

I'm tired. I often feel the cycles will never end.



Of course, your opinion has value. Professional or not, we happened to be on the same topic for a reason. The rehab was weird. I felt awful. I use various techniques like ASMR to cope with life. Splitting me from what tiny bit I could enjoy from life was disastrous.

I'm sorry to hear about the Lyrica dependency now :( I am very happy to hear that the opioid dependency is over with though! That's a very large step that a lot of people never get to. You should be proud!