Venting Tired of being sick and tired

[heliophobic]

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with yet another autoimmune illness, something I can stack on top of the things I have to take daily medications for and that has me feeling exhausted, amongst other things, every single day. I first had thoughts of wanting to die when I was 7, I still remember it all clearly, followed by my first inpatient stay when I was 11 and that was also when I was first put on a psych med: Prozac. Since then, it's been 32 years of a multitude of medications and hospital stays. Suicide attempts and a multitude of scars on my arms and legs from when I s/h in high school. There was a period between 2017 and 2022 where I had no worries about winding up in the hospital but I had something to stuck around for: my soulcat Paddy. He showed up in my life when I needed him the most, during one of the darkest periods ever for me. A close friend of mine had od'd on Valentine's Day 2017 and on March 16, he jumped onto my lap. But then on December 29, 2022, Paddy passed away while I rocked him in my arms and sang to him. When your purpose for living is gone, what then? When your body has rebelled against you for decades, what then? I'm tired of surgeries. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of family and apartment management scolding me for not having an immaculate apartment because I'm too exhausted and in pain to keep an immaculate apartment...(but I'm too young and not sick enough to qualify for an aide). I'm just so tired. I want an exit bag because for once I just want something where there's no more pain. I'm tired of the masks and the lies of "I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm having a good day" because telling the truth leads to conversations you don't want to have or it irritates people because they don't understand why you aren't better yet. I'm tired of missing all of my friends that have passed away since I was a little kid. I've jokingly called myself a professional widow because I'm constantly losing friends and boyfriends. I'm 43 and too young to feel so old. I'm used to talking people out of ctb, and the whole time I'm barely holding on myself. Thanks for reading.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

i'm sorry to hear about all your illnesses. It sounds like you have been through a lot and from a very young age and I feel for you. I am 44 And sometimes shocked I lasted this long, I can't imagine having physical health problems on top of everything. I am sure it must be exhausting.

 

[heliophobic]

Thank you. Yeah, I'm shocked I've lasted this long too. I used to think I would go out at 27, the rock star death age...but that was another failed aspiration. Lol
I didn't even live the Who aspiration...but then, they didn't either. Well, I'm not THAT old.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you feel so tired, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I find it cruel how there's all this suffering, I also just wish for peace and to never feel pain. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[heliophobic]

I understand why you feel so tired, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I find it cruel how there's all this suffering, I also just wish for peace and to never feel pain. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you. It had always been my plan to wait until my mom wasn't around anymore before I ctb, because I've always known that that I would...it was just a matter of WHEN. As time goes on, it's getting harder to keep going because more and more health issues come into my lives, and more losses that I struggle with pile up. It's HARD.