(for trans people) would you ctb or detransition?

[monetpompo]

to be honest, i've barely transitioned. i don't take hrt or have had any surgery, and most people that don't know me assume i'm a cis girl anyways. but i'm only really friends with people who accept me for being trans, since most people in texas have never met a trans person or understand why a girl would want to transition to a guy. it's like, "why would you not want to be a girl when you're so cute?". shut up. i used to get asked all kinds of weird sexual questions to people that didn't understand me when i was trying to be more open about being trans, so i don't tell most people now. i hate being asked stuff about my body because it turns people on.

i feel like if i just detransitioned and became a normal girl, people would like me more. i would just have to cut off the friends that know i'm trans and make new ones who i say that i'm a girl to. i really want to be normal and to be actually liked by people instead of have people not understand me. i spend a lot of my time alone because i'm worried that my whole identity is a joke or a fetish to people and no one understands why i can't just be happy with being a girl. i've had people say that i'm attractive and that they like me, but no one ever stays in my life because i can't connect with anyone. i want to die because that's the only way that i can feel less lonely about no one wanting to spend time with me.

i know detransitioning would never make me happy and i'll just end up dying anyway, because i have a planned date. it's pretty fruitless to think about. i feel way better putting my head in a noose then when i do thinking about how my future is supposed to look as a friendless, unemployed trans loser. i'm everything people don't want. i feel like just existing makes people uncomfortable and they would rather not think of me because happier trans people are way less depressing to be around. i don't seem to fit into any niche. i feel like a person like me deserves to die if i'm not wanted by anyone at all. i've never been apart of a community because i don't belong anywhere. i really just want to be liked by others instead of be seen as a sad burden. i wish that i died younger than this. my parents would rather have me die instead of be forced to listen to me talk about how they're the reason i'm depressed. i wish i wasn't such a weird freak.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

To give my own insight, I don't know if I'll ever get to transitioning phase, if I do I will probably not detransition back , I'm not going to stay a certain way because of people who don't give a shit about me, they are all so shallow and understanding nothing, they see our pain as a fetish or something sexual, they can eat their own cock, maybe if they learn how to do that, they'd stop bothering us.

You said you had people tell you that you're attractive? I did too , it kind of pissed me off, they saw me for what I was not, I don't want this body so why would they? Am I nothing more than an object for some people? probably, but they are nothing to me too, I don't value them, I shouldn't.

You don't deserve to die because you don't fit in with people, never tell yourself a lie like that ever again. I don't belong to any community, I don't have any meaningful relationships of friendship or family, I quite literally don't give a crap anymore. I don't care about what people want for me , they didn't care about my wants, they just took from me , from when I was a sweet child, they turned that child inside out.

I understand why you can't be happy as a girl because I know why I can't be happy/wasn't happy as a boy and now as a man. I also know what you meant to say about happier trans people, I am anomaly, the question you put out like that would be shot down in the community but is it illegal to be trans and have more package with you? Is it illegal to want a better life and to search for one? is it illegal to say things that might not be favorable in a certain community? Many people have this toxic positivity because even trans spaces are not a monolith, nobody is.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like transitioning or detransitioning isn't making any changes to your situation as it is, considering you have a fixed date and all that in mind.

I understand wanting to go back into the closet, wanting to be a ""normal""(cis) girl. But as someone who tried: you can't. You can't close that can of worms again. You can't go back, unrealise that about you. Oh sure, you can pretend you aren't who you are but it will come back to haunt you one day. There's only misery to be found in the closet. There's only an increasingly miserable world out there.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

I'd much rather ctb , I'm not changing who I am for anyone .

 

[monetpompo]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like transitioning or detransitioning isn't making any changes to your situation as it is, considering you have a fixed date and all that in mind.

I understand wanting to go back into the closet, wanting to be a ""normal""(cis) girl. But as someone who tried: you can't. You can't close that can of worms again.

earlier i was pulling at my hair because i felt incredibly miserable about no one wanting to spend time with me, and was thinking about how much better things would be if i was born not constantly wishing to be seen as a guy by others. it feels more like i'm a puppet trying to pull my own strings because i see myself as something others don't. i fantasize about being normal (not myself) because my sister is normal (cis) and she's super happy with herself. she found community with straight people and she has almost no knowledge on gay people or trans people, because she doesn't need to know. at 18-20 years old i was exploring my identity and trying to find people that would accept me. my whole life has been very enmeshed with being gay and trans, compared to her, so it's made my life more lonely. it really sucks to not be understood by normal people and having to hide your identity because it could lead to you being discriminated against.

i see my sister as someone i really want to be because she knows that she means something to people and she's happy that she was born, even if our parents see us as burdens for being alive. i've always thought that being born the youngest makes me the worst and most stupid child, because my parents never had any time to take care of me so my sister had to raise me. i was mostly phrasing the question in an alternative reality way, where it's asking if you had a choice to repress your identity earlier on or kill yourself the way you are in the present. i always thought about ctb when i was younger because i kept wanting to be someone besides myself. i can't ever escape the body i was born into.

I also know what you meant to say about happier trans people, I am anomaly, the question you put out like that would be shot down in the community but is it illegal to be trans and have more package with you? Is it illegal to want a better life and to search for one? is it illegal to say things that might not be favorable in a certain community?

thanks for your reply. earlier on in my transition, i would constantly deadname myself and say that i was a girl, because i figured that it was what i was "meant" to do. i hate that i'm such a negative trans person, because it means that it's hard for me to get along with trans people that actually like being themselves, even if they don't pass or are pre-hrt. i deal with internal transphobia a lot because being trans just sucks a lot. i hate my identity. i never asked to be myself, but people want me to be more positive about a situation that only happened because i was born "wrong". it feels like trans or queer people aren't even supposed to talk about disliking their identities because it goes against being LGBT, even though internalized transphobia or homophobia is really common, especially with people who had religious upbringings. people should be allowed to talk about their real feelings towards their identities, even if it's negative.

 

[LadyPoulenc]

to be honest, i've barely transitioned. i don't take hrt or have had any surgery, and most people that don't know me assume i'm a cis girl anyways. but i'm only really friends with people who accept me for being trans, since most people in texas have never met a trans person or understand why a girl would want to transition to a guy. it's like, "why would you not want to be a girl when you're so cute?". shut up. i used to get asked all kinds of weird sexual questions to people that didn't understand me when i was trying to be more open about being trans, so i don't tell most people now. i hate being asked stuff about my body because it turns people on.

i feel like if i just detransitioned and became a normal girl, people would like me more. i would just have to cut off the friends that know i'm trans and make new ones who i say that i'm a girl to. i really want to be normal and to be actually liked by people instead of have people not understand me. i spend a lot of my time alone because i'm worried that my whole identity is a joke or a fetish to people and no one understands why i can't just be happy with being a girl. i've had people say that i'm attractive and that they like me, but no one ever stays in my life because i can't connect with anyone. i want to die because that's the only way that i can feel less lonely about no one wanting to spend time with me.

i know detransitioning would never make me happy and i'll just end up dying anyway, because i have a planned date. it's pretty fruitless to think about. i feel way better putting my head in a noose then when i do thinking about how my future is supposed to look as a friendless, unemployed trans loser. i'm everything people don't want. i feel like just existing makes people uncomfortable and they would rather not think of me because happier trans people are way less depressing to be around. i don't seem to fit into any niche. i feel like a person like me deserves to die if i'm not wanted by anyone at all. i've never been apart of a community because i don't belong anywhere. i really just want to be liked by others instead of be seen as a sad burden. i wish that i died younger than this. my parents would rather have me die instead of be forced to listen to me talk about how they're the reason i'm depressed.

I would ctb. 100% of the time

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know that your question as posed makes sense. Posed as "would you de-transition or commit suicide" sounds like those are opposing choices, but the way the OP writes doesn't feel like that is the actual truth.

It sounds to me like he wants to be a he, but is constantly bombarded with people seeing a woman... which makes him feel like he is failing at transitioning, and that leads to depression. But de-transitioning would result in him living what he believes to be a lie, just because that is what makes others around him feel more comfortable... and that too seems like it is going to lead to the same depression.

Just from limited knowledge and the original post, it feels like to me that any repression of his true self is going to lead to depression. Being unable to present as your true self, be your true self, and live your true life seems like it would be hell. I say that not understanding at all from first-hand experience since I am very much a cis-man. But from the transgender people I know, they all speak as though truly being able to embrace who they really are was freeing to them, even when met with resistance from others.

It seems like to me, the lesser hurt comes from being yourself even if others don't understand or support you. Having "support" of you only when you pretend for them isn't real support.

And, yeah, especially here in the US I know a lot of places around the country treat transgender people horribly and are not at all supportive of them. I hate that. And I know being oppressed or hated or abused is not fun... but if you are going to be depressed either way, I feel like being your true self is better for you than masking to appease others.

All that said... where does suicide come in? I feel like repressing your true self is going to lend to being more suicidal because no matter how people treat you, you will be miserable and feel fake and resent them for making you be someone you are not. Embracing your true self, even in the face of all you might suffer to do so... could still be depressing, I grant you... but you at least will have yourself inside to feel like you are you... and there is at least the possibility of meeting people who will embrace you as you see yourself and want to be seen.

I hope something in there is helpful.

 

[VoidBlessed]

100% CTB. I couldn't imagine going back to he/him. Yuck. For me a big part of wanting to CTB though is that I'll never be able to pass or be beautiful the way I desperately need to be. But I would rather die as myself than go back in the closet. I was less than nothing back then.

 

[Scythe]

I choose CTB, being not on HRT is detrimental to my mental state and I don't want to go through it again. I don't think I'll ever get to having surgeries with my current position in life and CTB planned for next year but that's okay.

I'm not out irl, family won't be happy and it's not a conversation I can see myself having, ever. So it won't, and that's okay, people read me as a man, and that's enough. My family isn't too bothered with correcting them for whatever reason, whether from awkwardness or just not caring enough. So there's also that.

Everyone online knows though, never got a bad response from someone transphobic yet. Most spaces I frequent are small communities where shit humans are removed fast or mentally ill spaces with an unfortunate amount of LGBT ppl cause the world just doesn't like us sometimes.

I also confess to having violent desires of self mutilation because I can't get surgeries.

 

[leloyon]

I honestly don't know anymore.

I got to this point because living as a... member of the male sex, shall we say, grew to be unbearable, and the prospect of seeing myself only become more masculine and less feminine as the years went by was and still is absolutely horrific to me.

That being said, sometimes I just feel like some big joke, or embarrassment. That I should just man up and try to repress and fight these thoughts. Even if I see other trans women as women, and don't doubt that for a second, it is hard to shake off the self-doubt, as well as what is discussed in the OP. Yeah, I might not feel as alienated if I just live as a cis male. Even if I'm a cis male with boobs, I could just excuse it as some condition or a result of poor diet or something, if anyone even notices them.

As much as a part of me wants to fight, to yell that fuck you, I just want to live my life in peace, and for people to just fuck off and leave me alone to go do that... I've been fighting for too damn long, boss. Even before I accepted myself as trans, I've just been fighting over other shit, but it all still boiled down to "my right to exist in peace without being harmed". I'm tired of fights that seemingly go nowhere, and only result in me crawling out more hurt.

I feel like I just don't fit in with other trans people. LGBTQ+ culture goes beyond just being LGBTQ+ alone, at least from what I've seen, and it feels like I'm stuck between a cis society that fundamentally wants me dead, and a society of people I am supposed to relate to, yet apart from two parts of my identity that I had no choice in possessing, I have zero in common with.

And yet, the prospect of being a male horrifies and disgusts me more than anything. It feels unliveable. I haven't come out to my family and I feel a loud scream from deep within whenever they refer to me. I don't know how I could live like this without the few scraps of hope that one day I'll only be known as a woman.

I just wish I was born as a cis girl. I have no trans pride, I just wish I was born cis.

I'm not even sure why I'm responding to this thread, as clearly I have fuck all to say in regards to my answer.

 

[BradGuy123]

I am a cisgender man. I can't relate to what transgender people are going through. I've met a few transgender people in person and have heard their stories. I know trans people face massive discrimination in my country (the USA.) They are ostracized by society and go through a lot of emotional turmoil. I want you to know you have an ally in me. If you live in a big city like me, there is probably a network of trans people who you can meet and offer you support. If you live in a small city, I'm sure there are online communities of trans people who can relate and offer you insight. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You can't help who you are.

 

[monetpompo]

I'm not even sure why I'm responding to this thread, as clearly I have fuck all to say in regards to my answer.

i really do appreciate your and everyone else's response to this post, even if they think they don't have anything to say!! the post question/topic is super personal to me in a rhetorical, self loathing way where i know that i would kill myself if i detransitioned either way. i'm glad that other people are able to feel the same way i feel. it seems so complex to cis people to hate the way you are, but to keep going even if you hate the way you are and while no one even takes you seriously. you just have to keep going because i don't see any alternative besides death. it's really morbid, but normie trans people don't think the way i do.

That being said, sometimes I just feel like some big joke, or embarrassment. That I should just man up and try to repress and fight these thoughts. Even if I see other trans women as women, and don't doubt that for a second, it is hard to shake off the self-doubt, as well as what is discussed in the OP. Yeah, I might not feel as alienated if I just live as a cis male. Even if I'm a cis male with boobs, I could just excuse it as some condition or a result of poor diet or something, if anyone even notices them.

this is what i was hoping to hear when i made my post. i just feel like an embarrassment to the people who know i'm trans, to the people that clock me, and the people that misgender me. i feel like i'm not enough for anybody. my anger's been getting really bad lately and i've started pulling my hair/punching myself in the head/banging my head against the wall. i don't know how to cope with feeling so inadequate and being so invisible to everyone around me. and it's not like talking to people will make it any better, because they'll just say, "don't hurt yourself!! that's bad! your identity is valid!". shut up. i'm always going to want to self harm because i hate my body.

i'm literally a loser and when i look in the mirror i see a loser no one likes. it feels like being trans is a choice i'm making, like i could stop at any time and be "normal" the way i want to be, because people love girls and they don't understand trans men. i'm not masculine enough to be a guy, so they assume i use they/them or are one of those tiktok kids that think they're trans. i hate the stereotype of people like me. i see myself as weak and insignificant and i imagine people hurting me because i'm so incapable of standing up for myself that it'd literally just let it happen. to be honest, a part of me wants to be prejudiced against, because at least i'd feel like a "real" trans person instead of one that doesn't even pass. i respect every trans person and i respect women, but i hate that i was born so sensitive and small. i hate being seen as younger than i am because my voice is high and my face is round and babyish. i hate that i can't ever be anyone but myself.

i have such a deep craving to be normal that it makes me resent my friends and the people around me. i see how they go about their life and i want to know why they see any point in it. i feel like i'm trying so hard to set myself apart from everyone else by saying that i'm the worst one and the most unwanted one. i feel completely undesirable to everyone besides chasers. i can't seem to get anyone to want to be friends with me and i feel so jealous of normie cis people that don't have fantasize about mutilating themselves and don't have to deal with gender and body dysmorphia. i hate that i'm in a girl's body but i don't even look like a girl, i look like some fucked up, androgynous halfway version. i just want to scream and hit my head and be able to connect with people. why do i have nothing in common with anyone at all?